One year in HELL

One year ago from right this minute, I wrote the following post. It was the end of the absolute worst day of my process. Hopefully, the worst day of my life. I can't imagine it gets worse than this. And rereading the post, all I can think of is how little things have changed for me in the past year. Tonight I find myself crying for my present, for this entire past year, for Ingrid, for everything else, and for the pain I'm remembering just 365 days ago.

Serenity

G-d grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Is there anything about the process I can change right now? The way I'm handling it, that's the only thing I can change. I can't make people be honest. I can't make people be ethical. I can't make people do what they're supposed to do. I've accepted that. I don't know what else I can do to ease my suffering right now.

I'm in a really bad way right now. I can't even figure out how I'm feeling. I'm not really mad at the agency - the attorney lied to them. (I don't totally believe that, by the way.) I'm not mad at the attorney - they just found out about the double cedula thing. (Does that mean the birthmother lied to them?) (I don't believe that they just found out, either.) I'm not mad at the birthmother - she's the one who relinquished Ingrid and let me be her real mother. (My complete views on that are being reserved patiently until I see the social worker report, and will then only be shared with appropriate people at appropriate times, definitely not in a public forum like this blog.) I'm not so much mad as I am disappointed. And not so much disappointed (because I had a feeling this was coming) as I am humiliated that I actually kind of believed them. And not so humiliated as I am humbled (why would I get DNA before anyone else). And not so much humbled as I am questioning. And not so much questioning as I am confused. And not so much confused as I am mad. It's just bad.

I'm really questioning His plan right now. Why can't I get things that everyone else has? Everyone else got two healthy parents, not me. Everyone else got four grandparents that adored them, not me. Everyone else has suffering and eventually pays dues and sees some fruition, not me. I've never "gotten" anything. The only things I've actually achieved have to do with schoolwork, things that I worked super hard just to prove I'm smart. Who really cares if I'm smart???? In the meantime I have to fight every year and be sneaky just to do what's right for my students! So what, I'm almost done with my doctorate. I won't get a pay raise, I won't get a promotion, I'll be lucky if I'm even allowed input on my final exam! And those are things I've worked hard to achieve.

Adoption is the "easy" way to have a kid? No way!!! This is NOT easy. Watching Resa suffer through gestational diabetes, one week of bedrest, a preemie, and gall bladder surgery - EASY stuff compared to this emotional turmoil. "Jenna had three bananas for breakfast." Really? I have no idea what my daughter had for breakfast, lunch, or dinner for the past five weeks. Talking to Dawn on bedrest for just about 2 weeks - NOTHING compared to this. Yeah, she's been having contractions for two weeks, but I've been having anxiety attacks about DNA for two months.

I'm seriously doubting that G-d will let me be a mother. And the path then led me straight to Ingrid. Right to her. She's the very first child on the very first website from Guatemala that I saw when I started to think about changing countries. And we weren't matched for about 5 weeks after that. And it's like there's been NO progress in geting her home. Sure, I got the dossier finished. And we're out of family court. But that's it. Nothing else.

I'm thinking about unsubscribing from my e-mail lists. I'm tired of reading about all the babies coming home. I'm happy for the families, I really am. I just don't want to read it anymore because it's making me feel like there's a problem with ME that my daughter isn't coming home. Even reading my friends' blogs is getting too painful.

All I've been doing is crying today. I can't think straight. Today even the smallest of joys has been pushed aside in this misery. I saved the French program for another year, that should make me feel amazing but I really don't care. Bought a two-serving bottle of wine for dinner, didn't even drink half of it. Don't feel like crocheting or knitting. Not watching Lost but typing out my misery instead. Here's the kicker - Ben and Jerry are in my house right now and I'm not interested in socializing with them!!!! I don't know the last time I ignored those guys.

What do I do now? Do I just give up this dream of ever being a mom? Do I decide to switch to a different child with a different attorney who's more trustworthy? Do I switch countries? Agencies? Do I get rid of all the Ingrid pictures from my house, computer, car, classroom, wallet, until there's some progress on this? I can't take looking at her adorable little face and thinking she's never going to be with me. Please, G-d, help me.

2007 Update - Please, G-d, help me.

I can't decide...

...which year-old post I want to repost today. This is the anniversary of the absolute worst day of my entire process. One year ago, I found out that it was all a lie. (Well, I found out some more lies several months later when I hired AS. But today was when I found out that IT was a lie.) These are not the complete posts. They're just the parts where I should have WOKEN UP!

Feel free not to read this. I'm just reliving it. Trying to accept it and move past it. Trying to see why I was SO GULLIBLE that I was so easily scammed. If you get anything from reading my blog, get this: If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's not a chicken in a costume - it really is a duck!

March 27, 2006 - Post title: No DNA news again.
Angel posted today that she's worried her lawyer can't get through the Embassy. I tried to respond but it's not working (again, probably something with my school network). Here's my response:
"No need to feel like your attorney is the only one who can't get through. I'm still not 100% sure I have the DNA authorization and it isn't just another delay from the attorney's office intended to stop me from hiring Adoption Supervisors. My agency director said she'd find out for sure today, but she hasn't e-mailed me yet (no surprise there). And there's nothing posted to my credit card, which is what the director said they'd do when they receive the fax so Ingrid's appointment can be scheduled. It's just SO nervewracking. But to be honest, I'm definitely not as anxious about it. I guess you really do "forget" all of this, if I'm more at ease at just the idea of DNA."
That's right, I still haven't heard about the authorization for sure. I'm choosing to believe that I really did get it, even though I don't have any real proof (in the form of someone having seen it, or in a charge to my account to pay for the test). It wouldn't surprise me much if I didn't really have it but the attorney's office is saying I do, because they're trying to stall me. BUT, I'm looking optimistically (for a change) and assuming I have it.
2007 Update - Yes, you do "forget."

March 28, 2006 - Post title: Why haven't I heard anything?
When reading this post, keep in mind that I'm a doctoral student. We research theories. We develop theories. We use theories to support everything we do. These are my theories as to why I haven't heard anything from my agency since Friday, when the last thing said was they'll find out for sure by Monday if not sooner:
Theory #1 - I didn't get DNA. It was a mistake, not my case. Sorry.
Theory #2 - The attorney was just stalling. I didn't get DNA, there's been absolutely no progress on my case for the past three months, and now they're looking for a new and unique way to explain it to me.
Theory #3 - The adoption agency is closed this week because everyone has Spring Fever, so no one was able to find out or return my e-mail. But I did get DNA, they told me not to worry so why was I being so neurotic?
Theory #4 - The agency is annoyed because the attorney is stalling. And no one there wants to deal with me, so they're not answering my e-mail.
Theory #5 - Ingrid is just never coming home, so they're just putting on all of these pretenses and making up more delays that might seem reasonable to someone who doesn't know any better and is desperate to be a mom. Maybe they can put this off for another 13 and a half years, so Ingrid will be 18 and then she can move here herself.
2007 Update - Does anyone else feel sick to their stomach when they read this?

March 29, 2006 - Post title: "When you're negative and you're right, it's called REALISTIC."
Nope, I didn't get the DNA authorization. The attorney lied to the agency. Or the agency lied to me. Or whatever. Bottom line is, NO authorization. Short version is that the birthmother has to cancel an old ID something or other, which may take a week. Longer version is, WHO CARES???? IS MY DAUGHTER EVEN COMING HOME???????????????????????????????? E V E R????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Sorry to sound so pessimistic, but really, this is totally out of hand

DNA

Note: The following is the e-mail I received on March 24, 2006, at 7:48 PM. As you read it, keep in mind that I had mailed in my dossier over 3.5 months previously, I was told to expect DNA authorization by January 10 and had still not gotten it, I had spent several days with Ingrid over a month earlier, the foster mom was afraid to talk to me on the phone because she thought the "attorney" was mad at her, and most importantly it was ONE WEEK AFTER I asked for a specific reason my folder hadn't gotten DNA authorization (and was told the Embassy wanted new lab work on the bmom).

Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2006 19:48:46 EST
Subject: DNA

I am TOLD that we finally finally have the DNA auth for your case. That said, I do not have the fax. The office faxed over a few and we assumed yours was in it, when we called back a few minutes later the office assured us they would fax it again. We do not have it yet but I did talk to the office manager and she assured me that she "had seen it with her own eyes" and would fax it as soon as she went back to the other office. We do not have it yet and have faxed to tell the office that we do not have it yet. We do believe them ......................but until we see it with our own eyes---we do not believe or trust anyone to give us the right information!!!! :)

I will call them again tomorrow and try to hunt someone down. I am sure we have it but..........................................

That said, We will send the Lab the DNA payment form that is in your file and they will send us back a paid receipt and then we fax the paid receipt to the DNA doctor and then and only then will the DNA Dr schedule up an appt for the BM to come in. It usually takes about a week from Monday to get everyone scheduled and in to the Dr office for the quick DNA swab.

I realize that it took much too long to get the DNA auth but we were faced with the Embassy delays, way too long of lines, multiple requests for nonsense documents and then the atty office getting backlogged on DNA auths and the E only allowing 4 files to be submitted every other day by the same office. We kept on them and I am sure that we have yours as you could hear me screaming at the office and messenger all the way in NY I am sure !!!!!

I will confirm the DNA auth by Monday if not sooner!

Is it wrong of me?

So this post on Guatadopt says that in all likelihood, April 1st will be it. The protocolo is back. Well, it never really went away. But it seems that it will be what the rumor was a few weeks ago. That if your Power of Attorney is on file, then you're safe. And if you're POA isn't registered in the Guatemalan legal system, you're not safe. You're not in process if your POA isn't on file.

Which confirms what I've been saying for the past five months. I was never in process to adopt Ingrid because my Power of Attorney was never registered. The agency can say I'm wrong all they like. Say I have some kind of misinformation. Say Adoption Supervisors lied to me. I'm fine with them saying all of that, because I have a document from the Guatemalan courts that confirms my Power of Attorney was never registered. It's a legal document, saying the other legal document which they claim was filed over a year ago was NEVER filed. It's legal proof that they lied to me. And if that rumor about the protocolo is right, it's legal proof that they scammed me.

So, this is my question. Is it wrong of me to hope that the rumor is true? I know that there will be families who will lose their referral because the POA wasn't on file by whatever deadline is decided, and for that I feel absolutely terrible. But I lived for one year thinking my POA was on file when it really wasn't. (Not really. AS told me it wasn't filed in June, just days before I asked for another referral. Remember when I asked for a new referral, in July? When I found out my process had never started. When I found out my case was going through a banned facilitator. So in actuality, I lived for six months thinking it was on file when it really wasn't. And then I lived for another six months hoping AS was wrong, but deep down knowing they were right. Those were a horrible six months, especially the last two after AS told me but before the agency did that Ingrid could never be relinquished. Absolute nightmare.)

I do not ever want to hear about another family having this done to them. I don't want Thanassis to arrange any more adoptions, since the US Embassy has said he is unethical. (Whether he is or not, that's not my problem. The fact remains, it is not permissible for him to facilitate adoptions. Period.) I don't want agencies to work with him, because the US Embassy has forbade it. (And unfortunately, there's no way to ensure agencies do not work with him. Unless strict penalties are imposed. Like no accreditation. And fines.) I don't want families to lose over ten thousand dollars to an unethical bully. I don't want people not to share their stories, for fear of losing a referral. I don't want people falling in love with a child only to find out that child was never going to be theirs.

Remember the absolute fact of my case remains, I was never legally in process to adopt Ingrid. No matter what the agency says, the legal stuff never happened once it left my hands. I paid the fees for a legal process, yet my process was never started. My case wasn't stuck in PGN, the birth sister's case was stuck in PGN. Sad, definitely. And none of it will make Ingrid my daughter. But it isn't right for an agency to take over ten thousand dollars of my money because I wanted to believe them. I wish I had enough money to donate over ten thousand dollars to pay for Ingrid's care, but that's not what I signed up for. I signed up to try and adopt her, and the agency didn't help me do that. They never did what I paid them for.

And if POAs on file is the make-or-break for processes, that shows I wasn't in process. Regardless of how long it all took. It took me six weeks from referral to dossier, it took the agency 53 more weeks to admit the case could never start, and it's taken over three more months for them to make things right with me.

On the media

It seems that many people with adoption horror stories go to the media. I've seen episodes of 20/20, Dr. Phil, and Montel since my process started alone! And just this week there was something I missed on CNN.

And every single newspaper and magazine in the country is now doing stories on adoptions. Poor parents who have paid thousands of dollars and are stuck without a child. Only heartbreak, nothing more to show for it.

Why the interest in adoption stories? I think it's because we all like to see the traffic accident. We don't really want to know anyone died, we just want to see it and gawk. We don't even want to know what happened so we can avoid a similar accident, we just want to sit there open-mouthed.

Some of the stories are heartwarming, so we watch them knowing it's a happy ending. There's always this crescendo, when the viewer thinks nothing else could possibly go wrong but it does, and then all of a sudden there's a miracle and everything works out perfectly in the end. Baby comes home, parents are elated, all is right in the world.

Some of the stories aren't as heartwarming. The family loses the child, the biological family decides not parent (which in itself isn't the heartbreak because at least the child has a loving home, even if it's not with the a-parents), the country laws change, etc. And within minutes after, all is fixed. There is a new referral, or the a-parents get pregnant unexpectedly, or whatever arrangement is made. Why does this happen? No idea. Maybe it's because of negative attention. No one wants negative attention.

I certainly didn't want negative attention. There was a newspaper story when I was hosting Grisha that I was featured in. The bad part was, it was published on the day he left my home. The reporter kept calling me to do a follow-up, but I wouldn't return the call because I didn't want my "failure" as part of the local paper that my students (and their parents) would be reading. (Yes, my students and parents read the article about Grisha. Being the only French teacher in the school, the kids knew their teacher's name before they even got their schedule. Those are the students I still have now, almost 2 years later.) And after Ingrid's referral was lost, that nethertime in between AS telling me and the agency admitting it, I was asked to be a part of that upcoming Dateline story. I said no, because I didn't want the negative attention. I didn't want the entire country to know that I picked a bad agency. I didn't want everyone to know that I was stupid enough to believe a ridiculous story (only ridiculous in hindsight) as to why my case wasn't moving. I didn't want to look like more of a fool for waiting in April, when I had serious doubts about the case, and I certainly didn't want to look like the complete idiot the agency wants to portray me as for not INSISTING IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND BOLD PRINT that I get a new referral when I did start asking for one, in July.

I don't care if I look stupid anymore. I'm ready to talk. I'll name names, also. And I have records, e-mails and the blogs, things that are dated. From multiple sources, including attorneys and government officials. I may not have the dissertation nailed, but the research is definitely here.

Where in the world is GW?

Guatemala, that's where. He was in Colombia yesterday, hopefully not messing things up there for potential adoptive parents. (Adoption wasn't on his agenda there. Singles who want to adopt from Colombia are given the choice of a special needs child or a child over the age of 7. Shame, because I have a HUGE love for that country. I've taught many, many students, beloved students from wonderful families, who escaped that country. My favorite author, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, is Colombian. My Masters thesis was about Colombian culture, especially the role of Colombia in pop culture in America. A few agencies have hosting programs for children from Colombia, too.)

This is what CNN is reporting as Bush's agenda for tomorrow.
Monday, March 12T
he president has events planned in rural areas outside of Guatemala City, including a visit to a school where the U.S. military provides medical aid and a trip to the Mayan ruins at Iximche.In the afternoon, Bush is scheduled to attend a welcoming ceremony, followed by a meeting and press conference with President Oscar Berger to discuss alternative energy, narco-trafficking, crime and immigration.

Immigration - I guess that's where they will discuss adoption. I don't really know what to make of that. Immigration, the US Embassy requirements, that's not what's keeping Ingrid from my family. PGN, that's where Ingrid's birth sister got stuck for over a year, supposedly because of the now-infamous two cedula issue. In and out and in minors investigation, the bmom isn't a minor. Full investigation or not (agency said it's not a "full" investigation, AS says there's no such thing as a "kind of" investigation), the case has been in and out of PGN for well over a year. You can't say that's normal, that it's a regular process, if it's been in and out for a year. And you can't say everything is fine with the two cedulas and it shouldn't be a problem, because it is a problem. And that's why the sister can't be adopted.

Ingrid, it has nothing to do with the cedula. Ingrid was never in process to be adopted. She was relinquished by her bmom, taken to the doctor on September 13, 2005, got a birth certificate on that same day, and that's all that has ever happened for her. She never dealt with immigration because she was never submitted for DNA authorization. I believe she was NEVER submitted, even though the agency told me for well over two months that there were problems with the Embassy. I contacted my Representative (now no longer a Representative but she is the grandma of one of my students), who told me exactly what I had been reading online. Yes, there were new delays, but these were not new requirements. And on March 17 last year, I got "tough" with the agency and suggested I hire AS to find out why my papers never even made it to the elusive window that supposedly everyone else got turned away from for these new requirements. (Yup, everyone else was told why their paperwork was rejected. I was told my paperwork never made it to the window.) I couldn't even imagine what the truth would be, that my paperwork was never even waiting in line for DNA, that the agency already knew about the two cedulas but didn't tell me! At any rate, as soon as I suggested AS, the agency told me that the Embassy asked for another copy of some bmom paperwork, I think it was a new medical report or something. I do have the record of what the excuse was, but I'm too lazy right now to look it up. Doesn't really matter, anyway. As we now know, whatever the excuse was, it was a LIE, since you need to have the POA on file before you get DNA authorization, and I have a document from Guatemala that shows my POA was never on file.

So it's not immigration that stopped my process. Ingrid can't be my daughter for nothing to do with US law, but beause of Guatemalan law. Fine. She's Guatemalan. I get that. The country can make their own laws as they see fit, even if it bothers me to no end. But please let's find some kind of solution for all of the other children in this country.

And all of the children around the world (including the US) who cannot be adopted because of the laws in their own country. Remember that baby from Paraguay I was offered? My cousin's nanny's sister. Paraguay doesn't permit international adoptions; I would have had to establish residency for one year in order to adopt that baby. I still don't even know if it was a boy or a girl, just that it was a healthy and beautiful baby who was mine if I wanted it, but I think about that baby every single day. What became of this baby? Did it go to an orphanage? Did the bfamily decide to parent? Do they have enough money to meet the baby's needs? Did I make another mistake by not trying to manipulate the system so I could try to adopt that baby? Again, that's not an "immigration" issue.

If it's the policy of the country people are coming into, it's called immigration. If it's the policy of the country people are leaving, it's called emmigration.

Lunar eclipse

I saw a little bit of it, and it was pretty cool. I actually saw it go from about 1/4 to about 3/4, so I guess I saw a lot of it. I remember about 12 years ago there was a solar eclipse and a bunch of us teachers went outside during our prep to watch it.

And then the waterworks started. Not the rain, just my crying. I guess because I saw three people today that I don't see often, and all of them asked what was going on, the emotions were just all bottled up. At least when I started to cry I was alone in the car. (And listening to that Rascal Flatts song I love.) The thought that got the tears a-flowin' - I wish Ingrid were here so I could explain it to her.

Those are the moments I'll never have with her. Sharing a life with a little girl, teaching her all kinds of things, watching her reactions to the world around her, seeing how much she learns as she grows up. I know that she'll still have those moments, and hopefully she'll have all the love and tenderness that goes along with them. And I know eventually I'll be able to have those moments, too. I just won't be able to have them with Ingrid.

I finally got the nerve to watch the final DVD of Ingrid from the agency's November trip. It arrived in the mail the day after I was told she could never be relinquished. (Which means it was mailed the day before I was told, which is just plain cruel, but I'd expect nothing less.) I'm watching it now, just to get my last-ever Ingrid fix. I don't know how long I'll have to watch the other babies until I finally get to Ingrid, so if it gets to be too much I'll just turn it off. There's a real cutie right now, maybe like 7 months old learning to clap and just giggling up a storm. Every time I hear the agency director's voice on the DVD, or she comes over to tickle or cuddle one of the kids, I just get sick. Her comments are innocent enough, until you realize all of the torture she's put me through, before and after this DVD was made. All the time I'm thinking, sure, she's great when the process is going smoothly but once there's a bump she changes. But that's not really what happens on the DVD, the DVD she's the same sticky-sweet for all of the babies. Even the little girl who's been there longer than Ingrid (I've seen her post on one of the forums, she raves about how great the agency director is, now I hear on the DVD that she's friends with and hangs out at home with the agency director...).

* * * * * * * * * *
UPDATE after DVD: Yes, I was able to watch it. I'm glad I did. It's amazing how many children just had their parents visit, even three children who were going HOME with their family, that were included on the DVD. I was told I couldn't even get pictures of Ingrid last February because I had visited the previous week. Isn't that the way it is, that no one gets pictures if they've just visited? Or is that another example of no one that conveniently excludes two certain families?

Lots of time of Ingrid singing songs. It's because I complained ON THIS BLOG and nowhere else that there wasn't enough time of Ingrid on the DVD compared to other children. Even one part where the agency director mentions that Ingrid and her foster sister are going to separate families, each family gets their own DVD but they like to do their "routine" together also. NEVER doubt that the agency director reads this blog. I know you do. Thanks for responding, even if it's not to me but to all of your clients. Now, can you please explain why you're scamming me?

Agency director complimented me on my shopping. Yup, she loved the outfit Ingrid was wearing. So did I. That's why I bought it for her. It was supposed to be for her embassy appointment last spring. Or for her first day of school. But instead it's from the last video. Agency director even said she wished she had an outfit just like it - funny, because I saw one in your size and I would have gotten it for you but you won't acknowledge me so you're out of luck.

No mention of height or weight. Remember how many times I was told that she always says the weight on the DVD? Welp, the weight was on the video three times in over one year, and by the way it was always the same weight, which was three pounds less than on her medical report from when she first came into foster care. Oh, and for the record, that outfit was a size 4T, the same size I sent down over a year earlier since she's never gained weight, according to you. That's because I bought that outfit in January 2006!

And Angel, Ingrid even gave a shout out to you! (Well, not really to you. But she sang a song about Pinky Winky. Isn't that the name she gave you? I guess it's a theme song to a cartoon or something.)

And the whole time I watched Ingrid, I kept thinking, she's not supposed to be there! She's supposed to be upstairs right now. Or sitting next to me! She's supposed to be singing her songs from kindergarten. She's supposed to be taking dance classes. She's supposed to be making up new songs and dances with her cousins Jenna and Lexi. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. She's supposed to be my daughter!