Lunar eclipse

I saw a little bit of it, and it was pretty cool. I actually saw it go from about 1/4 to about 3/4, so I guess I saw a lot of it. I remember about 12 years ago there was a solar eclipse and a bunch of us teachers went outside during our prep to watch it.

And then the waterworks started. Not the rain, just my crying. I guess because I saw three people today that I don't see often, and all of them asked what was going on, the emotions were just all bottled up. At least when I started to cry I was alone in the car. (And listening to that Rascal Flatts song I love.) The thought that got the tears a-flowin' - I wish Ingrid were here so I could explain it to her.

Those are the moments I'll never have with her. Sharing a life with a little girl, teaching her all kinds of things, watching her reactions to the world around her, seeing how much she learns as she grows up. I know that she'll still have those moments, and hopefully she'll have all the love and tenderness that goes along with them. And I know eventually I'll be able to have those moments, too. I just won't be able to have them with Ingrid.

I finally got the nerve to watch the final DVD of Ingrid from the agency's November trip. It arrived in the mail the day after I was told she could never be relinquished. (Which means it was mailed the day before I was told, which is just plain cruel, but I'd expect nothing less.) I'm watching it now, just to get my last-ever Ingrid fix. I don't know how long I'll have to watch the other babies until I finally get to Ingrid, so if it gets to be too much I'll just turn it off. There's a real cutie right now, maybe like 7 months old learning to clap and just giggling up a storm. Every time I hear the agency director's voice on the DVD, or she comes over to tickle or cuddle one of the kids, I just get sick. Her comments are innocent enough, until you realize all of the torture she's put me through, before and after this DVD was made. All the time I'm thinking, sure, she's great when the process is going smoothly but once there's a bump she changes. But that's not really what happens on the DVD, the DVD she's the same sticky-sweet for all of the babies. Even the little girl who's been there longer than Ingrid (I've seen her post on one of the forums, she raves about how great the agency director is, now I hear on the DVD that she's friends with and hangs out at home with the agency director...).

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UPDATE after DVD: Yes, I was able to watch it. I'm glad I did. It's amazing how many children just had their parents visit, even three children who were going HOME with their family, that were included on the DVD. I was told I couldn't even get pictures of Ingrid last February because I had visited the previous week. Isn't that the way it is, that no one gets pictures if they've just visited? Or is that another example of no one that conveniently excludes two certain families?

Lots of time of Ingrid singing songs. It's because I complained ON THIS BLOG and nowhere else that there wasn't enough time of Ingrid on the DVD compared to other children. Even one part where the agency director mentions that Ingrid and her foster sister are going to separate families, each family gets their own DVD but they like to do their "routine" together also. NEVER doubt that the agency director reads this blog. I know you do. Thanks for responding, even if it's not to me but to all of your clients. Now, can you please explain why you're scamming me?

Agency director complimented me on my shopping. Yup, she loved the outfit Ingrid was wearing. So did I. That's why I bought it for her. It was supposed to be for her embassy appointment last spring. Or for her first day of school. But instead it's from the last video. Agency director even said she wished she had an outfit just like it - funny, because I saw one in your size and I would have gotten it for you but you won't acknowledge me so you're out of luck.

No mention of height or weight. Remember how many times I was told that she always says the weight on the DVD? Welp, the weight was on the video three times in over one year, and by the way it was always the same weight, which was three pounds less than on her medical report from when she first came into foster care. Oh, and for the record, that outfit was a size 4T, the same size I sent down over a year earlier since she's never gained weight, according to you. That's because I bought that outfit in January 2006!

And Angel, Ingrid even gave a shout out to you! (Well, not really to you. But she sang a song about Pinky Winky. Isn't that the name she gave you? I guess it's a theme song to a cartoon or something.)

And the whole time I watched Ingrid, I kept thinking, she's not supposed to be there! She's supposed to be upstairs right now. Or sitting next to me! She's supposed to be singing her songs from kindergarten. She's supposed to be taking dance classes. She's supposed to be making up new songs and dances with her cousins Jenna and Lexi. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. She's supposed to be my daughter!