One year later

This was my post for Monday, January 23, 2006.

The subject was Eres tu mi mama?

Today we had a snow delay. Total frustration, because I was supposed to give a test last Thursday but was told to wait until Monday because of state exams last Tuesday and Wednesday. (I teach 7th grade, 8th grade was still testing on Thursday and Friday, still not totally sure why I couldn't give the test at least on Friday.) Wake up this morning to see snow everywhere, and lots of districts in my area closed altogether. We had a 2-hour delay, which means 30 minute classes. Not enough time for a full period test. I decided not to start the next unit's vocabulary, but to show a video from the next unit instead. The unit is called Descriptions, and I show the video Eres Tu Mi Mama during that unit because there's a lot of vocabulary students will know.

OK, all that is boring stuff. The video is the Spanish version of the classic Dr. Seuss book (really written by P.D. Eastman), "Are you my mother?" Right there in the middle of class, sitting in the back of the room, I pictured Ingrid watching this video (since it's in Spanish) and there's me, her mother. Too much!

I also realized that my final exam for the two courses I'm taking now will be on May 11th. That's the 30-day mark for my child care leave. Again, another thing to worry about IF I'm so lucky to get a date to bring her home!!!!Anyone hear anything about DNA today?

So here it is, Tuesday, January 23, 2007. And what has changed?

Well, last Tuesday and Wednesday the entire school took those state exams. This year I WAS allowed to give my test on Friday of that week.

This morning I woke up to snow. Not much, not anywhere enough to cause a delay. Just a dusting.

Today I start the Descriptions unit (also referred to as Family Unit). Yesterday I showed that Are you my mother video. I didn't sit in the back of the classroom watching it, instead I sat at my desk grading the test. And I didn't picture Ingrid watching it, and I definitely didn't think about being her mother.

I remember that final exam. I cried that day, knowing it was the 30-day mark until the end of school (and I have a friend who went out on maternity leave that day). But at least I had my visit trip to look forward to on that day; the trip wasn't cancelled until two days before I was to leave. And now today I realize there's no way I'll be able to defend my proposal on January 31, like I wanted to. Maybe February 5, but definitely not January 31. I'd have to have the proposal to my other advisors by tomorrow, and I still have a touch more editing to do (two pages to delete from that stupid lit review that took me forever to write in the first place).

And I just got more angry about this process. Anger. No longer anxious, just angry. Angry that the agency doesn't respect me enough to tell me the truth. Angry that they lied to me for months about Family Court. Angry that they just didn't tell me all they knew, for months. Angry that they let me wait, angry that they made me wait, angry that they blamed me for it all. I hired THEM, I hired an adoption agency with years of experience, to help me with this journey. I trusted them. I asked their opinion. And instead, they used it all against me. They told me that I should know better. HOW EXACTLY should I know better? If I asked for your opinion on if I should wait, YOU are the EXPERIENCED professional. YOU knew so much more than you were telling me, but you LET me believe what I wanted to believe. A sin of omission is still a LIE, in addition to your outright lies. Your website is a LIE. You have MANY lies on that website, you may want to cough up some of that money you get from desperate parents at the end of their process (I think you call it a bribe to get the case out of PGN, that's what you say in your mass e-mails that you're not above paying a bribe) and get your website updated with the truth. Including your "new" agency name.

And then I realized how much IN CONTROL I am. You may say I've been too emotional during this process, but I amaze myself at how I've handled your lies and deceptions and intimidations. Let's remember that I believed for 11 months that my Power of Attorney was on file. I believed I was waiting for DNA authorization until the END of March. I believed I was OUT of Family Court from February until June, when I eventually hired AS and found out so many of your lies. I actually believed I was waiting for Ingrid until July. And then I actually believed you would give me another referral until you started this "we can give you a refund" nonsense. Give me a refund already! It's been over a month since you said you would. Now you just ignore me. Apparently your attorney is worse than mine, since he hasn't responded to an e-mail I sent you over two weeks ago YET. An e-mail which provided information from YOUR contract, showing how you did not follow it. An e-mail which included information about how you went against US Embassy mandate by using Thanassis (but then again, you have a history of working with banned people in Guatemala, don't you?). And an e-mail which included a legal document from Guatemala showing how long you've lied to me about the POA. Which part of that did I not get correct, since it was ALL documented? I'm a researcher, honey, I know how to site my sources.