It's over

Fire and Rain, by James Taylor
(changed lyrics appear in parentheses)

Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone.
(Ingrid), the plans they made put an end to you.
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song,
I just can't remember who to send it to.
I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again.

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus, You've got to help me make a stand.
You've just got to see me through another day.
My body's aching and my time is at hand and I won't make it any other way.
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again.

Been walking my mind to an easy time, my back turned towards the sun.
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around.
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come.
Sweet dreams and (toys and books) in pieces on the ground.

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
but I always thought that I'd see you baby, one more time again, now.

Thought I'd see you one more time again.
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now.
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you, fire and rain, now.




Goodbye to you, by Michelle Branch
Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last (fourteen months) were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star



Goodbye to you, by Patti Smyth
(Yes, I know it's really a break-up song. Lyrics still fit.)

Those times I waited for you seem so long ago
I wanted you far too much to ever let you go
You know you never got by your fear to choose
And I guess I never could stand to lose
It's such a pity to say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

Could I have loved someone like the one I see in you
I remember the good times baby now, and the bad (agency) times too
These last few (months) of holding on
The days are dull, the nights are long
Guess it's better to say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

'Cause baby it's over now
No need to talk about it
It's not the same
My love for you's just not the same
And my heart, and my heart
And my heart can't stand the strain
And my love, and my love
And my love won't stand the pain
And my heart, and my heart
And my heart can't stand the strain
And my love, and my love
And my love...

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

Now, could I have loved someone like the one I see in you
Yeah, I remember the good times baby now, and the bad (agency) times too
These last few weeks of holding on
The days are dull, the nights are long
Guess it's better to say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

Goodbye baby
So long darling
Goodbye to you

She finally admitted that Ingrid cannot be adopted. Not by me, not by anyone. She admitted the other case is stuck with no end in site. She will not give me another referral. I've NEVER said what agency I used on this blog. NEVER publicly said my agency, since all of the lies and everything else happened. I never said the name of the person who has been intimidating me since July, when she found out I hired Adoption Supervisors. I do not hold her or Thanassis (yes, the banned facilitator) responsible for not being able to bring Ingrid home to me. I understand that sometimes unexpected things like this happen when you're dealing with international adoption. I understand that I took a risk. I do not blame anyone for that.

I do blame people for not being able to facilitate an adoption for me. I paid an attorney, who it turned out what not really an attorney but rather a banned facilitator that I would have NEVER consented to working with. The facilitator matched me with a child when it was unclear if that child could have been adopted or not. I do blame the facilitator for not checking that this child could be adopted before she was referred.

I paid an agency to facilitate an adoption. They were supposed to work with reputable attorneys in Guatemala. They did not. They were supposed to communicate with me on the adoption process. They did not. They were supposed to visit Guatemala every four weeks (according to their own website). They did not. They were supposed to help me with my homestudy. They did not. As a matter of fact, they tried to sabotage my homestudy update. There were many things they should have done, but did not do. If you've followed my blog, even since I've had to hide most details after the intimidation techniques used after I hired Adoption Supervisors, you know how terribly I've been treated during this process. I do blame the agency for not being able to facilitate an adoption for me, which is what I paid them to do. I do blame them for intimidating me. I do blame them for what has happened since they have known about the two cedulas.

This has been the WORST year of my life. My mother died when I was 13, and I watched her suffer for 13 years. This is worse. My father died of a brain tumor. He suffered almost an entire year, it was horrible, but this is worse. I have been made to feel crazy, unstable, unreasonable, impatient, pushy, irresponsible, unethical, and WRONG. Well, I'm not. I haven't been wrong. The ONLY thing I did wrong was trust this agency.

What do I have to lose? I've already lost Ingrid. I've lost thousands of dollars to the agency, as well as a Homestudy, a homestudy update, two adoption physicals, fingerprinting fees, INS fees, dossier authentication and certification and blessing-by-the-Pope. I spent money traveling to Guatemala in February, car service, airfare, hotel, food. I lost money when my May trip was cancelled three days before I was to leave. I bought gifts for 9 trips the agency took and mailed the packages across the country so they would get there. I bought gifts for my own two trips. I hired Adoption Supervisors because I didn't trust the agency, and that turns out to have been the best (and least expensive) thing I did in relation to this adoption.

And I'm heartbroken. And what will happen to Ingrid? At the end of the e-mail from the agency, they remind me how bad they feel for Ingrid. It seems like they are trying to tell me I shouldn't be selfish and think about all the money I've lost for this adoption, but remember that a little girl's future is at stake. There's no need to remind me of that. THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY DAUGHTER. In my heart, she's still my daughter.