February 9
Yesterday was another bad day for me. Yes, you know that. You read the blog. Some days are just harder than others. There hasn't been an "easy" day for me since February 21, 2006. That was the day I woke up with Ingrid and fell asleep with her. The only complete 24 hour period I had to be her mother. Kind of ironic that on February 21, 2007, I will defend my dissertation proposal and move to another stage in my process. (At least ONE process for me has moved along!)
So I checked the blog for last year at this time. This was my entry for February 9, 2006:
Blogger Buddies
I have the BEST blogger buddies imaginable! Thank you so much for helping me remember I'm not alone in all of this. Thanks for your supportive comments and your encouragement, and most of all your friendship. I can't wait until ALL of our children are home!
All of your children are home now.
And then I checked the blog for the previous post, to see why I would have needed support and encouragement. (But then again, really, when have I NOT needed support and encouragement when dealing with corruptness?) Seems that I had posted one of the e-mails from the agency and made comments about the e-mail. It was about how it was 2 months since I sent in my DNA and I was still waiting for authorization. And then some stuff about the lines at the embassy and blah blah. Eh, who cares if the agency doesn't like it. They sure won't yell at me if I repost it, since THEY WON'T ACKNOWLEDGE ME! And please remember, I AM STILL THEIR PAYING CLIENT. P-A-Y-I-N-G C-L-I-E-N-T. Like in the e-mails that she would send to Adoption Supervisors, admonishing them for conning me. (No, AS did NOT con me. AS showed me the truth that the agency was conning me.) I love it when Joanne's words come back to bite her in the butt.
OK, let's repost the e-mail from February 8. (Told ya, I save everything.) The comments are NOT the original comments I posted last year. They are with the advantage of hindsight. And of knowing I wasn't overanxious needlessly - I was RIGHT to be concerned because the agency was LYING.
I will send you the Traveling to Guatemala email again. Sorry you did not get it the first time. That's cause you never sent it the first time.
We are all anxious to get the DNA test authorization and every attorney has been screaming to get the Embassy to work faster. We have a messenger that stands in line all day long hoping to get in to the Embassy to submit the papers. The E is not consistent at all with the number of cases they accept each day. Usually they have the messengers sign on a log the day before to get a number to be seen the following day. Well last week they barely got through the numbers for Tuesday by Friday! So this week they gave out all the numbers for the entire week on Monday. We are number 80 and they were only on number 30 as of yesterday! We are calling the messenger at least 5 times a day asking what number they are on, I am sure we are driving him crazy. Someone even brings him lunch in the line every day!!!! OF course the agencies are ready to storm the Embassy. It is taking 5 days to get a Pink Slip (at the end of the case so the family can travel) when it is suppose to only take two. The list of issues is endless but right now we just need your DNA authorization. This part is true. Confirmed by AS that there were changes and lines and chaos at the Embassy around this time. We have five other clients that are waiting waiting waiing. I have no way of knowing how many clients were really waiting. However, I do know I was not one of the waiting clients. The sister's case had already been kicked out for the two cedulas. The agency, or at least Thanassis, already knew there was a problem. Therefore, I was not waiting. Additionally, we now know my Power of Attorney had not been registered yet. Therefore, I was not waiting. I am sorry that we did not keep you informed of the long lines etc, of course we kept thinging manana, manana we will have the DNA auth. You did not keep me informed of more than the long lines. You did not keep me informed of the problems with this case. It's a little nauseating now to realize how much you had me conned. How I believed that you really felt like I would have DNA authorization manana. How I really thought you were looking out for my interests. You weren't, you were just trying to shut me up and keep off of your back.
You can go and have a nice visit, we have no doubt that all will be fine. This part I said last year, too: "You were also sure I'd have DNA authorization by last Friday. And on the video taken four weeks ago, you said you were getting it. Sure, I trust you. I'm also willing to buy that bridge connecting Brooklyn and Manhattan. " I'm sorry, I'm no longer interested in buying that bridge. I now know the bridge crumbled right after it was built. If you want to wait for the visit you can do that too. We really expect the authorizaiton this week or Monday at the worse case. We expect. Do I really NEED to comment on this part?
If the DNA auth comes this week then we will rush the DNA test. We would rather not do the test when you are there as it takes Ingrid away for almost a whole day. We will work around it. You totally knew I wasn't getting authorization. And I know this part isn't true, either, since my friend's baby was taken for a few hours to have DNA authorization during a visit trip. Same agency. Here you are, lying to me again, trying to show me that you are SO wonderful and SO sympathetic to me that you don't want to take Ingrid away from me for a whole day. I know that's not true - you just didn't want me to think you weren't doing anything to move my case along. And you weren't doing anything to move my case along. As I said, I believe my complete dossier is still in your "office."
I'm constantly torn between my ANGER AND HATRED and my DESIRE FOR REVENGE, compared to my intense DESIRE and NEED to be a mother and LOVE A CHILD that is waiting for a family. Do I expend my energy dealing with YOU and your HORRIBLE ways? Or do I suck it up and delve into another case? Well, the truth is, you've hurt me SO BADLY, you've destroyed my heart so much, you've taken away the trust I had in adoption, so much that I'm TERRIFIED to do this again. I'm TOO AFRAID that another agency will con me like you did. And down inside, my fragile ego is still still saying in a tiny little voice that you did nothing wrong, that it was G-d's plan for me not to become a mother. BUT IN MY HEART I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE. In my HEAD, logically, I know that's not true. This was YOUR fault. YOU did this to me. THANASSIS did this to Ingrid and her birth family.
G-d would NOT have put this love in my heart to watch me suffer like this. G-d led me to Grisha because I needed to see that my child wasn't in Eastern Europe. He needed to show me that I could not just open my heart to a child because the CHILD needed a family. I needed to understand that I had some control, that this was MY family I was creating, and I couldn't just accept a child who needed a family. I had to accept the child that was right for MY family. He wanted me to be a little more selfish than I was being when I started this journey.
And then He led me right to Ingrid. Not right to YOU, and technically not right to Ingrid. But the story goes, I asked about older children (like 4 year old girls) from Guatemala, someone responded that her agency posted two 4-year old girls that very morning. I did NOT sign with you from your photolisting. I didn't even think Ingrid was available when I signed with you anyway. I signed with you because YOU ARE A PHENOMENAL ACTRESS, and you totally had me believing that you love these children and you took pleasure in helping people create their families in Guatemala. I spoke to you for 30 minutes, while I stood outside my school on my cell phone, with tears in my eyes, believing I was talking to the woman who would introduce me to my daughter. YOU CONNED ME. And even then, I still considered OTHER agencies!!! You were not my first choice, but you won me over with your con job. Congratulations, because now I see your joy is not creating families, but in making money. You did that. You got lots of money from me. You should be proud of yourself, since I'm a pretty smart person and you managed to trick me.
So now I have to find my purpose. My first purpose is to try and see that you cannot do this to more families. Potential adoptive parents are just so desperate, and we're unfortunately willing to believe anything an agency tells us. After all, you're the expert, you've done this before and you know what you're doing but I'm totally new to this. And by the time we see a picture (and a video, and more pictures, and more videos, and meet this child, and show the child off to everyone we've ever met, and named the child, and decorated a child's room), we're TAKEN with the idea that THIS IS OUR CHILD. We know that the child is not legally ours, and we realize the birth mother may decide to parent. (And in two years, I've only heard of ONE family that resented the birth mother who decided to parent. Everyone else was heartbroken, but happy for the baby who will grow up with love.) But we're bonding with a picture, and that parental instinct takes over and we are willing to do (and believe) ANYTHING to bring our baby home. That's how you get us to believe your lies, even when your stories don't make any sense. That's how you get us to pay extra surprise fees (or to some people you even call them bribes). That's not acceptable. That's also not legal.
My second purpose is to try and make sure Thanassis can't do this to any more children. I'm not the first person to target him, and unfortunately I know I won't be the last. But I will lend my voice and my story to that fight, to stop this man. (I understand he is quite charming in person, even giving money to the children on the street. But in my heart, I can't help but question him giving money to these children as a way to convince the birth mother to relinquish them. I do think that's how he got Ingrid, but I have no proof of that.)
My third purpose is for me. I don't know what that is, but there must be something. The other purposes, they were born out of revenge. They were not born out of my desire to protect children, to love a child like no one else can, to mother a motherless daughter.
So I checked the blog for last year at this time. This was my entry for February 9, 2006:
Blogger Buddies
I have the BEST blogger buddies imaginable! Thank you so much for helping me remember I'm not alone in all of this. Thanks for your supportive comments and your encouragement, and most of all your friendship. I can't wait until ALL of our children are home!
All of your children are home now.
And then I checked the blog for the previous post, to see why I would have needed support and encouragement. (But then again, really, when have I NOT needed support and encouragement when dealing with corruptness?) Seems that I had posted one of the e-mails from the agency and made comments about the e-mail. It was about how it was 2 months since I sent in my DNA and I was still waiting for authorization. And then some stuff about the lines at the embassy and blah blah. Eh, who cares if the agency doesn't like it. They sure won't yell at me if I repost it, since THEY WON'T ACKNOWLEDGE ME! And please remember, I AM STILL THEIR PAYING CLIENT. P-A-Y-I-N-G C-L-I-E-N-T. Like in the e-mails that she would send to Adoption Supervisors, admonishing them for conning me. (No, AS did NOT con me. AS showed me the truth that the agency was conning me.) I love it when Joanne's words come back to bite her in the butt.
OK, let's repost the e-mail from February 8. (Told ya, I save everything.) The comments are NOT the original comments I posted last year. They are with the advantage of hindsight. And of knowing I wasn't overanxious needlessly - I was RIGHT to be concerned because the agency was LYING.
I will send you the Traveling to Guatemala email again. Sorry you did not get it the first time. That's cause you never sent it the first time.
We are all anxious to get the DNA test authorization and every attorney has been screaming to get the Embassy to work faster. We have a messenger that stands in line all day long hoping to get in to the Embassy to submit the papers. The E is not consistent at all with the number of cases they accept each day. Usually they have the messengers sign on a log the day before to get a number to be seen the following day. Well last week they barely got through the numbers for Tuesday by Friday! So this week they gave out all the numbers for the entire week on Monday. We are number 80 and they were only on number 30 as of yesterday! We are calling the messenger at least 5 times a day asking what number they are on, I am sure we are driving him crazy. Someone even brings him lunch in the line every day!!!! OF course the agencies are ready to storm the Embassy. It is taking 5 days to get a Pink Slip (at the end of the case so the family can travel) when it is suppose to only take two. The list of issues is endless but right now we just need your DNA authorization. This part is true. Confirmed by AS that there were changes and lines and chaos at the Embassy around this time. We have five other clients that are waiting waiting waiing. I have no way of knowing how many clients were really waiting. However, I do know I was not one of the waiting clients. The sister's case had already been kicked out for the two cedulas. The agency, or at least Thanassis, already knew there was a problem. Therefore, I was not waiting. Additionally, we now know my Power of Attorney had not been registered yet. Therefore, I was not waiting. I am sorry that we did not keep you informed of the long lines etc, of course we kept thinging manana, manana we will have the DNA auth. You did not keep me informed of more than the long lines. You did not keep me informed of the problems with this case. It's a little nauseating now to realize how much you had me conned. How I believed that you really felt like I would have DNA authorization manana. How I really thought you were looking out for my interests. You weren't, you were just trying to shut me up and keep off of your back.
You can go and have a nice visit, we have no doubt that all will be fine. This part I said last year, too: "You were also sure I'd have DNA authorization by last Friday. And on the video taken four weeks ago, you said you were getting it. Sure, I trust you. I'm also willing to buy that bridge connecting Brooklyn and Manhattan. " I'm sorry, I'm no longer interested in buying that bridge. I now know the bridge crumbled right after it was built. If you want to wait for the visit you can do that too. We really expect the authorizaiton this week or Monday at the worse case. We expect. Do I really NEED to comment on this part?
If the DNA auth comes this week then we will rush the DNA test. We would rather not do the test when you are there as it takes Ingrid away for almost a whole day. We will work around it. You totally knew I wasn't getting authorization. And I know this part isn't true, either, since my friend's baby was taken for a few hours to have DNA authorization during a visit trip. Same agency. Here you are, lying to me again, trying to show me that you are SO wonderful and SO sympathetic to me that you don't want to take Ingrid away from me for a whole day. I know that's not true - you just didn't want me to think you weren't doing anything to move my case along. And you weren't doing anything to move my case along. As I said, I believe my complete dossier is still in your "office."
I'm constantly torn between my ANGER AND HATRED and my DESIRE FOR REVENGE, compared to my intense DESIRE and NEED to be a mother and LOVE A CHILD that is waiting for a family. Do I expend my energy dealing with YOU and your HORRIBLE ways? Or do I suck it up and delve into another case? Well, the truth is, you've hurt me SO BADLY, you've destroyed my heart so much, you've taken away the trust I had in adoption, so much that I'm TERRIFIED to do this again. I'm TOO AFRAID that another agency will con me like you did. And down inside, my fragile ego is still still saying in a tiny little voice that you did nothing wrong, that it was G-d's plan for me not to become a mother. BUT IN MY HEART I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE. In my HEAD, logically, I know that's not true. This was YOUR fault. YOU did this to me. THANASSIS did this to Ingrid and her birth family.
G-d would NOT have put this love in my heart to watch me suffer like this. G-d led me to Grisha because I needed to see that my child wasn't in Eastern Europe. He needed to show me that I could not just open my heart to a child because the CHILD needed a family. I needed to understand that I had some control, that this was MY family I was creating, and I couldn't just accept a child who needed a family. I had to accept the child that was right for MY family. He wanted me to be a little more selfish than I was being when I started this journey.
And then He led me right to Ingrid. Not right to YOU, and technically not right to Ingrid. But the story goes, I asked about older children (like 4 year old girls) from Guatemala, someone responded that her agency posted two 4-year old girls that very morning. I did NOT sign with you from your photolisting. I didn't even think Ingrid was available when I signed with you anyway. I signed with you because YOU ARE A PHENOMENAL ACTRESS, and you totally had me believing that you love these children and you took pleasure in helping people create their families in Guatemala. I spoke to you for 30 minutes, while I stood outside my school on my cell phone, with tears in my eyes, believing I was talking to the woman who would introduce me to my daughter. YOU CONNED ME. And even then, I still considered OTHER agencies!!! You were not my first choice, but you won me over with your con job. Congratulations, because now I see your joy is not creating families, but in making money. You did that. You got lots of money from me. You should be proud of yourself, since I'm a pretty smart person and you managed to trick me.
So now I have to find my purpose. My first purpose is to try and see that you cannot do this to more families. Potential adoptive parents are just so desperate, and we're unfortunately willing to believe anything an agency tells us. After all, you're the expert, you've done this before and you know what you're doing but I'm totally new to this. And by the time we see a picture (and a video, and more pictures, and more videos, and meet this child, and show the child off to everyone we've ever met, and named the child, and decorated a child's room), we're TAKEN with the idea that THIS IS OUR CHILD. We know that the child is not legally ours, and we realize the birth mother may decide to parent. (And in two years, I've only heard of ONE family that resented the birth mother who decided to parent. Everyone else was heartbroken, but happy for the baby who will grow up with love.) But we're bonding with a picture, and that parental instinct takes over and we are willing to do (and believe) ANYTHING to bring our baby home. That's how you get us to believe your lies, even when your stories don't make any sense. That's how you get us to pay extra surprise fees (or to some people you even call them bribes). That's not acceptable. That's also not legal.
My second purpose is to try and make sure Thanassis can't do this to any more children. I'm not the first person to target him, and unfortunately I know I won't be the last. But I will lend my voice and my story to that fight, to stop this man. (I understand he is quite charming in person, even giving money to the children on the street. But in my heart, I can't help but question him giving money to these children as a way to convince the birth mother to relinquish them. I do think that's how he got Ingrid, but I have no proof of that.)
My third purpose is for me. I don't know what that is, but there must be something. The other purposes, they were born out of revenge. They were not born out of my desire to protect children, to love a child like no one else can, to mother a motherless daughter.
posted by Stacy @ 9:09 AM
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