One year in HELL

One year ago from right this minute, I wrote the following post. It was the end of the absolute worst day of my process. Hopefully, the worst day of my life. I can't imagine it gets worse than this. And rereading the post, all I can think of is how little things have changed for me in the past year. Tonight I find myself crying for my present, for this entire past year, for Ingrid, for everything else, and for the pain I'm remembering just 365 days ago.

Serenity

G-d grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Is there anything about the process I can change right now? The way I'm handling it, that's the only thing I can change. I can't make people be honest. I can't make people be ethical. I can't make people do what they're supposed to do. I've accepted that. I don't know what else I can do to ease my suffering right now.

I'm in a really bad way right now. I can't even figure out how I'm feeling. I'm not really mad at the agency - the attorney lied to them. (I don't totally believe that, by the way.) I'm not mad at the attorney - they just found out about the double cedula thing. (Does that mean the birthmother lied to them?) (I don't believe that they just found out, either.) I'm not mad at the birthmother - she's the one who relinquished Ingrid and let me be her real mother. (My complete views on that are being reserved patiently until I see the social worker report, and will then only be shared with appropriate people at appropriate times, definitely not in a public forum like this blog.) I'm not so much mad as I am disappointed. And not so much disappointed (because I had a feeling this was coming) as I am humiliated that I actually kind of believed them. And not so humiliated as I am humbled (why would I get DNA before anyone else). And not so much humbled as I am questioning. And not so much questioning as I am confused. And not so much confused as I am mad. It's just bad.

I'm really questioning His plan right now. Why can't I get things that everyone else has? Everyone else got two healthy parents, not me. Everyone else got four grandparents that adored them, not me. Everyone else has suffering and eventually pays dues and sees some fruition, not me. I've never "gotten" anything. The only things I've actually achieved have to do with schoolwork, things that I worked super hard just to prove I'm smart. Who really cares if I'm smart???? In the meantime I have to fight every year and be sneaky just to do what's right for my students! So what, I'm almost done with my doctorate. I won't get a pay raise, I won't get a promotion, I'll be lucky if I'm even allowed input on my final exam! And those are things I've worked hard to achieve.

Adoption is the "easy" way to have a kid? No way!!! This is NOT easy. Watching Resa suffer through gestational diabetes, one week of bedrest, a preemie, and gall bladder surgery - EASY stuff compared to this emotional turmoil. "Jenna had three bananas for breakfast." Really? I have no idea what my daughter had for breakfast, lunch, or dinner for the past five weeks. Talking to Dawn on bedrest for just about 2 weeks - NOTHING compared to this. Yeah, she's been having contractions for two weeks, but I've been having anxiety attacks about DNA for two months.

I'm seriously doubting that G-d will let me be a mother. And the path then led me straight to Ingrid. Right to her. She's the very first child on the very first website from Guatemala that I saw when I started to think about changing countries. And we weren't matched for about 5 weeks after that. And it's like there's been NO progress in geting her home. Sure, I got the dossier finished. And we're out of family court. But that's it. Nothing else.

I'm thinking about unsubscribing from my e-mail lists. I'm tired of reading about all the babies coming home. I'm happy for the families, I really am. I just don't want to read it anymore because it's making me feel like there's a problem with ME that my daughter isn't coming home. Even reading my friends' blogs is getting too painful.

All I've been doing is crying today. I can't think straight. Today even the smallest of joys has been pushed aside in this misery. I saved the French program for another year, that should make me feel amazing but I really don't care. Bought a two-serving bottle of wine for dinner, didn't even drink half of it. Don't feel like crocheting or knitting. Not watching Lost but typing out my misery instead. Here's the kicker - Ben and Jerry are in my house right now and I'm not interested in socializing with them!!!! I don't know the last time I ignored those guys.

What do I do now? Do I just give up this dream of ever being a mom? Do I decide to switch to a different child with a different attorney who's more trustworthy? Do I switch countries? Agencies? Do I get rid of all the Ingrid pictures from my house, computer, car, classroom, wallet, until there's some progress on this? I can't take looking at her adorable little face and thinking she's never going to be with me. Please, G-d, help me.

2007 Update - Please, G-d, help me.