Perceived changes

That's the topic for my next essay in the internship program. Perceived changes in our identity since we started the internship. This one goes beyond how I used to have friends and I used to eat lunch in the faculty room and people didn't use to stop talking when I came around. This one is about how I view myself differently since beginning the internship.

Some ideas I'm floating around:

• People are intimidated by me. I notice that the people who ask me for advice are willing to accept their own weaknesses. They come to me and explicitly ask for help because they can't do it on their own. When I go to other people for help (those people who do not explicitly ask me), they often act like I'm supposed to know everything. I've even gotten that comment from people, "I thought you knew everything." My response is always, I know NOTHING. I'm still learning everything." I think people are afraid that if they admit weakness, others will think they are stupid. I feel quite the opposite. I feel like those who are strong enough to admit they need help are the ones who are actually much more competent. (Then again, I've also been accused of being "too reflective," but I believe that reflecting upon one's professional practice makes one a better teacher.)
• There are serious climate issues going on in my school, and I don't mean the fact that my heater is blowing cold air into my classroom in late November. I've said it before, teachers are very antagonistic. I think it's true of teachers everywhere, to an extent, but in 17 years I've never seen people go at it so much. Lots of people (not just me) are being accused of "spying," there's talk of "the sorority" who get whatever they want from the administration, and there's an overall feeling of "divide and conquer." It makes me very uneasy. I don't know if I'm seeing it differently because I'm no longer just a teacher (but remember that I'm NOT an administrator), but I don't like what I see or hear. It worries me. I wonder how long it will be before students catch on. (I finally found a school climate survey that I can use to find out if my hunches are truly what's going on. My principal will let me administer the survey. I'm hoping to do this in January when we have shortened teaching days for state exams.)
• Some teachers think I'm a spy. Some teachers think I'm in "the sorority" (which I am definitely NOT in, by the way). Some teachers think I'm still the "pet" of central office staff (but the administrator whose "pet" I was retired 2 years ago and I definitely represent the old administration). Some teachers think I would be a better representative to our teacher union than our current representatives. How's THAT for dichotomy? Today was our union representative election, eight candidates running for six slots. Four people asked me yesterday why I'm NOT running. (I ran three years ago, everyone knew I was very anti-union and not supportive of what they were doing, and I got the most votes in the school. Almost every single teacher who voted in that election voted for me. Hmmfph. I was a union representative for a year and the other reps made me cry every. single. week. because I was trying to promote school safety and school responsibilty and they were just looking to make sure teachers were working not one single second more than they were required to.)
• I love the research end. I love seeing a problem, noticing that things aren't right in a situation, finding some research theory that may explain what's going on, and then figuring out a way to test if that's really what's happening. I'm loving that! Regular teachers don't do that kind of thing. Instructional leaders do that. Professional researchers do that. Wow. (Work Jackie was helping me recode my dissertation data, basically showing that what I view as differentiation she also views as differentiation using my definition. She said that my whole face changed when we were discussing my research, when I was explaining what to do, when things worked out the way they were supposed to. She said it was obvious how much I love this stuff. And the best part - 100% reliability!!! 80% the same answers is considered acceptable, but we had 100% Woo hoo.)
• I have outgrown this school. I've outgrown this position. If I felt I could stay here and continue to grow as a professional, to influence future initiatives in our school, to make a difference to more students, I would. I don't feel that way. I feel like this is going to be the end of my tenure here. I need to move to a leadership position, not only because I have the education and knowledge, but because it will be healthier for me to know I am putting my skills to good use.