For the longest time

Today, December 3, is three years since I started my adoption process. THREE YEARS. Oh my goodness, that's a long time. Well, it's not really that long, it's only that long because I never actually STARTED an adoption process. Three years ago I went to an information meeting by a local international adoption agency. The meeting was held about 7 minutes from my house, in the same hotel where I met Doug (at the Speed Dating thing). I figured that place had some kind of good luck.

And after that meeting, I decided that maybe Russia was a more stable option than Moldova, since I couldn't really find out about Moldovan adoptions online (see, I did some research on this and didn't just switch overnight from foster-adopt to IA). And then I found the hosting program, by coincidence there was an information meeting about 15 minutes away from my university that would start 30 minutes after I got out of a seminar. That's got to be a good sign, timing was perfect, right? And just to be sure that was the RIGHT hosting program for me, I did go to an information meeting with another hosting program. When I think about it, I DID more research than I give myself credit for. (Problem is, there is no easy way for people considering adoption to know exactly where the trustworthy information is. And I credit that lack of transparency to the laws that make it so easy for an agency to sue clients for liabel yet make it so hard for clients to sue an agency for UNETHICAL PRACTICES, CHILD TRAFFICKING, and THEFT.)

I decided that YES, I could handle being a parent, but I would be better adopting a young girl who spoke a language I speak. I AM trilingual, after all, so why not adopt from a country where I speak the language? That led me to Haiti, Colombia, Guatemala, and back to foster-adoption.

Foster-adoption was ruled out immediately. The reason I went international was because of the issues in foster care, and it turns out I was matched with a child with similar issues AND the language barrier. Taking away the language barrier leaves the issues that led me outside of the country in the first place. That left Haiti, Colombia, and Guatemala.

Haiti - All of the agencies I found 2.5 years ago were Christian-based agencies that required their clients to have a letter of recommendation from their pastor. That leaves Colombia and Guatemala.

Colombia - Single women must adopt a child age 7 or older. OK, maybe that would work for me, but I'm still a little concerned about that age. I think it would be OK, but let's see what Guatemala has. I only know about infants from Guatemala, like my friend Vicki adopted.

I know what I'll do. I'll join a Yahoo group. They were so helpful to me when I did the National Boards process, and I did find out about some Russian adoption things from a yahoo group, maybe someone knows something about Guatemalan toddlers and preschoolers? My first post asked if anyone knew about children in Guatemala, "I'm thinking about a girl around 4 years old." Next time I checked my e-mail, there was a message saying that this woman's agency (she's a client) had just that morning posted TWO four year old girls on their photolisting. I looked and the first one was Ingrid. SOOOO cute. I remember thinking that she had the cutest smile and chubby little cheeks and a certain something in her eyes, and the other girl seemed to be more fair-skinned and the other girl would probably be matched first because she was so much lighter. I remember looking at that picture and thinking that Ingrid would be the child referred to me, only because her skin was darker and another family probably already requested the fair-skinned girl. No other reason that that. That was my thought process. And then I looked at her picture again and started to think about how cute she is, how GREAT she is and that she's just so much cuter than the other girl that maybe another family would request her before I got all of my paperwork finished so I probably wouldn't be matched with her. (Please don't flame me for suggesting parents only want fair-skinned children. I'm only pointing out my thought process, the thoughts in my head that let me know before I could even realize it that Ingrid WAS my daughter.)

I wrote to three agencies that day to get more information. Two of the agencies I found on rainbowkids.com; this one I got through a recommendation. I contacted all the agencies, spoke with representatives from each. I read the websites, tried to find out things about them (although I never specifically asked the yahoo group for feedback like, "I'm considering agency X, agency Y, and agency Z to adopt a girl around age 4"). I actually DID check the Better Business Bureau on one agency (not Joanne), no idea why I checked on that agency but it came up blank anyway. I ultimately decided to go with Joanne because she seemed so warm and friendly and helpful and supportive. AND she had experience with preschool adoptions, AND she would be there when I visited, AND maybe I could even have contact with the foster family. I did NOT pick Ingrid from a photolisting, I did not choose my agency because I found Ingrid's picture there. It was coincidence that I found Ingrid's picture by being directed to this agency. I was offered two referrals BEFORE I was offered Ingrid. (I just like to clarify that point, knowing all the negativity around photolistings. The photolisting was the suggestion from a "kind-hearted" stranger, but I actually picked the agency for reasons having nothing to do with the photolisting.) (And if she DID come home, it would be a mushy little story that the very first child I saw when I started to look for Guatemalan adoptions turned out to be my daughter.)

We know the rest of the story. I'm on a hiatus, I don't want to rehash the crime committed against me. I can say, though that the other two agencies I contacted also have bad reputations. I now have a better idea how to find out about agencies. I now know HOW to ask for feedback, not just "Tell me about your agency." I now realize that just because an agency is licensed does NOT mean they are professional. I realize that just because someone works in a field that represents compassion (finding homes for orphans), it doesn't mean that's a compassionate person. I now understand that just because someone is banned doesn't mean they don't work, and I understand that just because my government issues a statement doesn't mean the government will follow that statement. I've learned a lot.

Three years. Moldova, to Russia, to Guatemala, to I don't know. Agency 1 to Hosting 1 to Hosting 2 to Agency 2 to I don't know.

Here's what I do know. I'm pretty hard on myself. I DO hold myself responsible for not knowing how to check out these agencies and experiences before hand. I often say that I wish I were strong enough to be "offered" a child through unethical means and STILL say no, but I don't know for certainty that I'm that strong. And I realized, I HAVE proven that I AM THAT STRONG!

1. I did not EVER agree to work with Thanassis.
2. When Joanne promised me a new referral but it had to be through Thanassis, I did NOT accept. She offered, several times, and I said again and again that the only way I'd take a new referral is with a different facilitator. But she insisted it be the same facilitator, and I SAID NO.
3. I did not take the baby from Paraguay, my cousin's nanny's cousin. Paraguay doesn't have an IA program, and I would have had to lie and sneak to get the visa and bring the child here. Yes, it could have been done. It might have taken a few weeks, but it could have been done. But I SAID NO.
4. I did not go down to meet with Thanassis in March when someone else was going down. I wanted to rip his head off, not get a new referral. If I went down there, he might have talked me into working with him. I DID NOT go. He is NOT a good man. I SAID NO.
5. I did not call Big T back this summer, either. Another family, also with Joanne and Big T, was on her pickup trip. She called me WITH Big T in the room and said he wanted to help me and I should call him back. And he'd cut me a deal, so I wouldn't have to repay the money Joanne took on Ingrid's process, just the difference of what I would have owed if Ingrid's case were completed. I sent an e-mail to that family saying I will not work with Thanassis. She said Joanne was NOT involved in this one. And still, I SAID NO.

So there you have it. I say that I don't know if I'm strong enough to hold my ground, to keep my standards, but I'VE DONE IT!!!! And when things started to look bad for Ingrid's process a long time ago, my biggest concern was what would happen to HER, and I said that if she went back with her bfamily I'd be OK with that, and I WAS OKAY WITH THAT (and still am OK with that, they are her FAMILY).

It's been three years today since I jumped in. It's been almost 11 months since I'm sitting poolside, since Joanne never got back to me. I can't believe how long it's been, but I guess that year-of-anxiety and year-of-misery kinda took it's toll on my sense of timing. Three years. Three Christmases, three Chanukahs, three New Years have gone by with me saying "Maybe next year at this time..." I don't say that this year, and it feels weird. But I don't say it because I know a year isn't enough time for me. My "plans" will take more than a year now.