Montel on repeat

So I finally caught the Montel episode on adoption scams. One word - company. I'm not alone! I'm not crazy in these feelings (not that I ever believed I was). I'm NORMAL, I'm in good company in this misery (unfortunately).

Of course I forgot to set the VCR. Face it, we all knew that would happen. I remembered when I was almost at work, so I called Resa first to see if she could tape or DVR it. No answer. Next I called Sue, who said she'd try to tape it but her VCR doesn't always work. Then I remembered that Doug was going in at 9:00 so he'd be awake, so I called him. He DVR-ed it. We made plans to go to dinner and then watch it together.

Montel, didn't like him. He focused on the money part of it. How much it costs, how these families were out $25,000 and no baby. (Yes, the money is a big part of being scammed. Because it's not like that much money comes easily, most PAPs take out loans or save for years to be able to get that kind of money together. But the real hurt in the scam is that you lose a child, and there's no pricetag to that. Of course, if money weren't an issue, we victims would be able to try again more easily, but it's so not about the money we lost.)

Family who tried to adopt from Guatemala, I think they may be my most favorite people on the planet right now (sorry girls, you know how much I love you all and couldn't be happier that your babies are home). She justified every single thing I've been saying. How it's not just the money, it's about losing your child. How you so much want to believe this is the child for you. How when you're stuck in this nightmare, you stop socializing with your friends. How when this happens to you, you think it may be a sign that you shouldn't be parents. (And to that, Montel very quickly said it wasn't a sign, it was a bad agency.) And by the way, the problem this family had - the signature on the birth mother's cedula. Sound familiar? Any of it? ALL of it? Except for the part that this family chose to stop waiting, where that choice was made for me (not really, I made the choice back in July but the agency chose not to listen to me). Oh, and that very important difference - this family was IN PGN, my POA wasn't even registered yet.

Overall, I was much better than I thought I'd be during the program. I was weeping, sobbing out loud is more like it, nodding in agreement and pointing like a mad woman, the entire time this couple was telling their story about Guatemala. Doug just held me and offered me tissues.

I'm NOT alone. This HAS happened to other families (unfortunately). And my feelings are NORMAL after what I've been through. It's one thing for all of you who've been telling me for so many months that what I've been feeling is normal. It's another thing to actually HEAR THE SAME FEELINGS coming from someone you don't know who's unfortunately experienced the same thing. It's amazingly comforting to know I'm not alone. Unfortunately, I'm not alone.

If you want to know agency names, the agency used by the family on this show is named on Guatadopt.com. You can do a search for it. It's not my agency, which means there are many more crooked people out there.

Another snow day

Which means I'm stuck in the house again. Which means I'll probably blog a lot again today.
* * * * * * * * * *
Protocolo of Good Practices - I know that most of my readers have their children home, so I don't know if you'd keep up with the "news." I find myself doing it less and less these days. But the word this week is that the Protocolo is going to be announced again in congress this week. Some agencies (probably not mine, mine likes to pretend the Internet is a newspaper where you can read but not respond) are sending clients down or bringing attorneys here to sign the Power of Attorney before Thursday. This Thursday. Which means, if I were to get a referral today (not gonna happen) and sent it to one of those places that will notarize and authenticate and everything in one day, there's no way I'd get paperwork filed in time before Friday's announcement. But more importantly, here's yet another scare that Guatemala will stop adoptions. It's terrifying to those people in process, I remember what that's like. When I started this craziness in 05, there was that Oscars Law thing saying that single women wouldn't be allowed to adopt. Then there's the everpresent threat by our own government that they will stop allowing adoptions from Guatemala because of the Hague thing. And of course UNICEF has their hand in there. And Mr. and Mrs. President constantly bringing up this Protocol thing, I can recall it happening four times since the summer. It's like the boy who cried wolf, they keep saying it's happening but it never does so people don't believe it ever will happen. (It's also like that DNA wait I had, the agency kept saying it's happening but it never did, so when I got the authorization and it turned out to be a lie...)

I think adopting from every country has a similar set of risks and rumors. Russia had that when I was looking at Russia. Agencies weren't getting accreditation from the Russian government and there were threats of all Russians hating all adopting Americans and making ugly scenes. China had that when they changed the rules on who they'd permit to adopt. Those rumors were going around for months before they actually said who can and who cannot adopt from China (I can't). Korea has always been very limited on who can and can't adopt, so it seems that's the most stable right now. But there's also the reports that the country is more stable than it was when adoptions first became popular, so there are luckily less children there looking for forever homes. Vietnam always seems to have similar "will-they-won't-they close" situations, families at the mercy of a G&R date (giving and receiving ceremony, which finalizes the adoption in the country). And domestic adoptions have the risks also - will the birth family pick me? Did the birth mother lie about drug and alcohol use during pregnancy? Will someone from the birth family decide to parent 2 years down the road and the child will be taken away?

All of these threats are very real. People totally have a right to be scared that the adoption they've planned on and prepared for will not happen. And it's not just the money that's lost, it's your heart that's lost. A good agency will help their client who's in that predicament. Most agencies will help you find a child to adopt, because that is their job and that is their passion. I've said it many times, we all go into an adoption process thinking it can't happen to us. But it has to happen to someone, we just hope and pray (and secretly know) it won't be us.

If you stumbled upon my blog because you heard I had a nightmare story and want to know how to avoid it yourself, you won't find that in my story. If you want to know how to avoid my nightmare, find out the agency I used and stay away from them. There are many sites that have information on which are the good and bad agencies. This blog isn't about my bad agency, it's about my life. How I wanted to adopt a daughter. How I loved a girl in Guatemala. How I tried to adopt her but was misled. And how I'm dealing now that I can't adopt her.

If you stumbled upon my blog because you're trying to get more information on adoption, you won't find that here either. I don't know how to adopt, in spite of reading like every book and website on the topic for years. (Yes, I know the steps. I've memorized the steps to several countries' process. I just can't seem to do it right. 'Cause I picked a bad agency, which is why I'm suggesting you find out about agencies! Don't assume because you don't see anything that all must be good with your agency. If you see nothing, it's probably because an agency is known for bullying clients so that they don't talk about you at all.)

If you're in process now, don't worry about it. It's all going to work out the way it's supposed to work out. That may not be the way you want it to work out (I know for me it's definitely not the way I wanted it), but it will work out the way it should. (And I'm still searching for "the reason" it happened to me, but I know there was a reason for it.) There are always going to be bumps in the road, you're always going to be second guessing your choices until your child actually comes home. And once your child comes home, there's a whole new meaning to "bumps" and "guesses." This is parenting, after all. It's much easier for me to say "don't worry about it" because it's not me, I know that. And I remember how much it infuriated me when people would say not to worry or to put it in G-d's hands or anything else like that, because I desperately wanted some control over what was happening to me. I'm a complete control freak, and adoption (like parenting) is totally out of my control. And if you go through my blog you'll see how disgusted I was that I was being so manipulated by my agency.

That being said, here's my suggestions for getting through the "country will close" threat:
1. Pick a good agency (most important).
2. Read everything you can about the country and process (cause you'll do that anyway).
3. Communicate with your agency often. Ask how things are. Set up a regular schedule of when you'll be in contact, like once a week or once every other week. I'd caution to say contact day will be on Friday or Monday, though. Monday, the agency will just be collecting thoughts from the weekend and you'll have spent the entire weekend stressing. Friday, the agency will be planning on two days off and if the news isn't good it will send you spiraling for a week. I'd suggest Tuesday or Thursday for a regular communication day.
4. If you get "bad" news about the country, remember that this is what's going on in the country. As horrible as it may seem to us, this is a governmental thing. You wouldn't want to interfere with their laws, even if you don't agree with them. (And remember that in 15 years when you have a teenager questioning your laws, you want to say, "Because I said so," and you don't want them to remind you about how you questioned the laws in "their" country.)
5. If you get "bad" news from the agency, make sure the agency is telling you the truth. (See my first suggestion. A good agency will not lie. They will tell you the bad things and not sugar coat.)
6. If the worst happens, it sucks. Find out why the worst happened, if there was anything that could have been done differently, and try to make sure this won't happen again. And know that if the worst happens and you've hired a good agency, they will make it all right in the end.
* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Agency Director

Please stop posting new children on your photolisting as "available" when you know FULL WELL that I am able to adopt those children. I'm continually nauseated by your ongoing display of all of the children age 2-7 that my homestudy says I can adopt, yet you DO NOT refer these children to me. Not a single child has been referred to me since I accepted Ingrid's referral, even though I've asked for a new referral IN JULY. J-U-L-Y!

I asked for, even BEGGED YOU for, a new referral of a child I can adopt. A Guatemalan child, from your agency that "specializes" in Guatemalan adoptions. Why won't you LET ME DO what I want? I PAID for your help in facilitating an adoption from Guatemala. I don't know how to make it more clear.

There is a new little girl on your photolisting. She's two years old. Can I find out more about her? PLEASE????? We all know that I'm not thrilled with you or your practices, and we all know that you don't like me. But we also know that I have a contract with your agency that you will help me adopt a child. PLEASE LIVE UP TO YOUR END OF THE CONTRACT, AS I'VE LIVED UP TO MY END OF IT!

The last day

I tried to do this post last night, but it hit me very very hard. I cried uncontrollably for a while, the first time that's happened in several weeks. I'm even crying now and I've barely started the post.

So the Wednesday of my trip, I again woke up and wrote in my journal before Ingrid got up. We then did the bath-and-shower bit before breakfast. By now the waiters at the Marriott all knew Ingrid and brought her booster seat and fruit platter. She also had a fried egg, but didn't want the bread this day. On our way our of the buffet, she asked if we could take a yogurt for later. And then she even remembered that she'll need a spoon for the yogurt, and she knew we didn't have one in the room.

Now Wednesday was the hardest for me. Not only in hindsight is it the last time I got to hug and kiss my little girl forever, but that was the day I knew she understood what was going on. Early in the day she said, "I have to go home today." I told her I'd be back again. Several times during the day she asked me questions herself about what life will be like when I'm her mom.

"Es tu casa aqui?" Is this really your house? No, this is my house when I'm in Guatemala, but my house is in America. We have a nice house in America, in New York. You've seen pictures of our house, of our cat, of our car, and of your room. She asked me questions about the house, she liked that she'll have her own room with a nice big bed, but she absolutely loved that there are three bathrooms in the house. She'll have her very own big bathtub, like in the hotel. Oh how she loved that!

We spent a lot of time that day in the family room. Met some other families, sent some e-mails (Doug had e-mailed me every day even though he knew I probably wouldn't be able to respond), but mostly we just hung out and played. They had a great puppet theater, and I showed Ingrid how to make a puppet show. She loved it when the babies came in so she could do puppet shows for the babies. They also had a little rocking horse, which she had so much fun on! One of my favorite pictures of Ingrid is with her hair flying and she's riding this horse with such gusto. She did a little bit of regression, crawled into my lap a little, referred to her sippy cup as her "pacha" (I know all Guatemama's know what a pacha is, for the rest of you it just means bottle), and she wanted to lay on the baby activity mats. Totally normal regression for a four year old, let alone the fact that she was the only preschooler in the room and the room was mostly for babies. We watched Barney and she sung the song and gave me the hug and kiss.

We had lunch out by the pool. Ingrid did tell me she didn't want to eat in the restaurant because she didn't like the waiters, I think she was a little uncomfortable with the attention they were giving her. (Totally understandable because of her previous life, not just stranger anxiety.) She got chicken fingers again and I got mini-hamburgers, which we both shared each others' food. Angel came over and talked with us for a while, and Ingrid had a lot of fun playing with Angel. (They were making up names for each other. I forgot the names, though. I think one was Pinky Winky but I don't remember the other.)

After lunch (or maybe while we were waiting, I know we were sitting outside) Ingrid asked me how I get to New York. I told her I take a plane there, and since every 10 minutes or so a plane went overhead she asked me if that was the plane I took. (In my heart, I wonder if she remembers me when she sees a plane overhead.) She asked me how the plane is able to fly like that, and at first I told her it was magic, but then I reconsidered because I didn't want to make her worried about getting on a plane so I said maybe it was some kind of big machine and I really didn't know.

The time came to meet the fosters. We were in the family room, and I told Ingrid it was time to go downstairs. She did not want to go. I didn't think much about it at the time, I just thought she wanted to keep playing. We got down to the lobby and Ingrid made up an excuse to go up to our room, I think she wanted a bandaid or some typical kid excuse. The family met us in the room. I stayed with the foster mom in the room to pack while Ingrid went with the rest of the family to play in the family room. I cried, she gave me some of her family recipes (they're in Spanish and I can't totally read everything, so I'll have to spend a lot of time translating things; something I knew I'd treasure for Ingrid but didn't really plan on ever making these dishes), we packed all of Ingrid's new clothes in the suitcase I got for her. I gave all of her shampoo and bath toys, the coloring books and story books, all of the medicines I brought down "just in case," almost everything I had I gave to the family.

When Ingrid left, and I know I won't be able to do this part justice, I kept trying to be strong and not cry in front of Ingrid. I just didn't want to worry her at all about anything. Remember at this point I thought I was done with Family Court and I thought I would get DNA any day now, and I knew that once I had DNA authorization Ingrid would have to see her first mom and that would add to her confusion. I'm totally going to breeze right over this description, because the image in my head is as clear as a movie I've seen a million times. When she was leaving, Ingrid was looking back and forth between me and the foster mother. You could totally see what she was thinking, how she was trying to make sense of everything. She knew both of us as Mami now, using our first names with each other but just Mami to oour faces. It was as if she was happy to go back with the fosters, but she was also sad to leave me. She didn't want to displease either of us with her reaction to us, like she didn't want to hug me too much because it would make the f-mom feel bad, and she didn't want to be too happy to leave me because it would make me feel bad. I'm telling you, this was totally my child the way she was more concerned with people-pleasing than in actually feeling anything herself! Ingrid took her foster dad's hand and walked to the elevator, turning to face me and wave the entire way. She kept blowing kisses and smiling. After the elevator went down, I went out on the balcony because I knew I'd be able to see the car. The family saw me and Ingrid waved and blew more kisses. I watched until the car was out of sight, the whole time my heart in my throat because the family was letting Ingrid basically stand with her body out of the car to wave and blow kisses. And then the tears came. (Haven't really stopped since.)

* * * * * * * * * *
Thursday morning. Breakfast alone. Packed and ready to go. Confirmed my flight. Did all that boring stuff.

After breakfast, though, an incredible thing happened. I know I've talked about this before, and it's hardly at all my story to tell. I was talking to Angel, basically still crying about not having DNA authorization after so long and not knowing when I'd get it (she didn't have it yet either and was having the same problems as me, or so we thought). Tears dripping down my face, tears in her eyes, and this woman comes over to us and asks if we're Stacy and Angel. It was Betsy, who Angel and I had both planned on meeting anyway. It was just such an incredible moment in my adoption process. I had followed both of their stories. I found Betsy's blog early in my process, before I even picked an agency after I changed countries. She hadn't even met Queen Savanna yet, that would be happening soon. Angel and I met on one of the Yahoo groups, both adopting non-babies. I had kept my blog for a few weeks but didn't give out the address, and I remember being so inspired by Angel's first trip to meet Zoe that I started to give out my blog (and I'm so grateful I did). That moment, standing with two other women who knew exactly what I was going through, and myself knowing exactly what they were going through, it still overwhelms me.

After breakfast I tried calling the foster family. No answer. I called again and again for over an hour. Then I called Doug (he wanted me to call collect, but I didn't; I had to get one of those calling cards to call the family anyway). I was telling him all about Ingrid, how the visit had been perfect and nothing like the summer (although it was not easy taking care of a 4-year old, it was better than I expected all around, every little bit of everything until this point). I told him how he's going to absolutely melt when he meets her, how her personality was such that she simply would not allow him to not fall in love with her. Honestly, this child was meant to be my daughter. While I was on the phone with him, I saw Betsy meet Savanna for the first time. I had seen several families meeting their baby over the previous three days, but this one was special. It's another moment I'll always remember.

After about 90 minutes of calling the fosters, no answer and no machine and no nothing, I finally got through. No, they would not be coming to the hotel. She said that she asked Ingrid if she wanted to go to the hotel to say good-bye to me and Ingrid said no. I did talk to Ingrid on the phone. I asked her if there was anything special she wanted me to send her, and she just told me "regalos" (presents). The last present I sent her was in November. (Remember that by November, I already knew Ingrid couldn't be relinquished even though the agency didn't admit it for another month. There was no way I was going to deprive Ingrid of her presents that I promised her! If the agency would let me, I'd STILL send her presents even though I'll never be able to adopt her. But the agency won't answer me, let alone let me DO anything to help a child!) Several things about that phone call bothered me. First, every bit of my visit, every second with Ingrid, everything was perfect. The tiniest hint that Ingrid wasn't happy is a COMPLETE insult to me and to Ingrid. Angel saw us together, everything was GREAT. Second, if Ingrid didn't want to come back to the hotel it's because she didn't want the anxiety she had in leaving the previous day. She was visibly upset by it, even though she didn't say anything. She was confused. Who was her mother? Why can't she stay with me? Is this Mami Stacy's house or not? What's going on? Totally understandable that given the choice, she's not going to pick a repeat of anxiety! Third, this little girl was four years old. Who offers that kind of choice to a four year old? A four year old, any four year old, is going to just read the cues of the adults around them. Fourth, if Ingrid didn't want anything to do with me, if it was a personal thing, then why would Ingrid WANT to talk to me on the phone? Why would she send kisses like that?

I don't look through my Guatemala journal because I know what I wrote after that phone call. I know how I questioned SO MANY things about the visit. SO MANY things about the foster family, who was petrified to talk with me again because of the "attorney." SO MANY things about my process. I don't want to read that journal, because that last entry is FILLED with things I was starting to see. I listed all of the things that the agency told me that turned out to be lies, or not-really-truths. And that was before the DNA Lie! Before I found out the truth about Family Court. Before I knew the POA was never filed. That's when I started to think this adoption was doomed, sitting in the Guatemala City airport surrounded by the smell of Pollo Campero.

One month and one day later I was told I had DNA authorization. Two months and one day later I was told the cedula would be fixed any day. Three months and one day later I was told the b-mom was going to PGN to explain the cedula. Four months to the day later I hired AS. Nine and a half months later (for those people early on who compared an adoption to a pregancy need to take note of THAT) the agency admitted that Ingrid can never be relinquished for adoption. And one year later, the pain is still as real as it was that day.

The best day E.V.E.R.

The Tuesday of my trip was definitely the best day. Ever. I woke up and Ingrid was still sleeping. (The room had two beds, and I had planned on each of us sleeping in a separate bed. I thought she'd love having a nice big bed all to herself, and I knew that at home her bedroom already had the same full size bed, and I was still going back-and-forth about keeping that bed in her room or getting a trundle bed for her. She wanted to cuddle, but that was before she decided not to sleep, so eventually after I rocked her to sleep, I did sleep in the separate bed.) While she slept, I wrote a little in my journal. (By the way, I haven't looked at the journal since my trip home. All of this is completely from my memory. I know I'll cry too much looking at the actual journal.)

She woke up slowly and smiled at me, and I went over to her and she let me pick her up for a big hug. Then, with her head still on my shoulder and in her little sleepy voice, she said, "Quiero ir al bano" (I want to go to the bathroom). Then she took her morning bath (bath #3 of her stay), and she colored while I took a shower. Then we went down for breakfast. The waiters were so nice to her, they brought her a booster seat. She wanted a fried egg and two pieces of bread. After a while, the waitress offered to bring her some fruit and her eyes just lit up at all of that beautiful fruit!

After breakfast we went back to the room to get ready for our outing with the fosters. We waited for them outside the hotel for quite a while, singing every song I knew she knew (only three songs! that she had sung for me on the agency videos and I had memorized so I could sing with her). The fosters showed up when we were taking pictures in her Princess Chair (these big chairs outside the Marriott that look like thrones). I think the foster mom was surprised that Ingrid didn't jump out of the chair to run to her, instead she just finished her little photo shoot and then said hello. By today the foster sister was more comfortable with me and gave me hugs and kisses, so I got lots of fun pictures for her family, too. (By the way, she's still not home either. Previo #5.)

We went to the zoo. It was kind of strange, because Ingrid didn't know who was taking care of her, me or the foster mom. I guess we each took turns with Ingrid, and the dad took care of the foster sister mostly. The best part for Ingrid was the Zaboomafoo animals, you know from the Discovery Kids program? I knew all about the Kroft brothers from Jenna, it's one of her favorite shows also. (The Kroft brothers are speaking in NYC next month, and I was going to go to that conference just to see them, but then I knew I already committed to do another presentation and since Ingrid will never even see the pictures of me with the Zaboomafoo guys it didn't seem to matter as much.)

After the zoo, we met up with the younger bio-daughter and we all went to Pollo Campero. Ingrid could not wait to play in their playground! I watched the way she interacted with the other kids and I thought about how much fun she'd have on the local playgrounds with Lexi and Jenna. And the indoor playground places that are now all popular up here (especially with Jenna, so Resa can read a magazine while Jenna plays dress-up all she wants). During lunch we talked some more about Ingrid's new life in America. I invited the family to her Bat Mitzvah (after I explained what it was), and the foster mother was crying because she was so happy I wanted her to be a part of Ingrid's life. The fosters loved the idea that Ingrid would learn to read Hebrew! I reminded them that Ingrid will always be a Spanish-speaker, she will grow up in a bilingual home with lots of books in both languages, and she'll be able to read (but not converse in) Hebrew. The bio-daughter asked me if I would be coming back for another visit, and I said that the next trip would be to bring her home, and the bio-daughter didn't want to hear any more because she was getting too upset at the idea of Ingrid leaving. This family truly loves Ingrid and her foster sister.

After lunch, we went on a little sight-seeing tour in the city. We went to the Presidential Palace, which the foster mom explained was the site of many protests. Apparently earlier that day there had been a protest of local teachers! (The mom was also a former teacher!) We went to the mercado where I got some Guatemala souvenirs (for my classroom and for Ingrid's room), I got each of the girls a doll, and I got Doug some coffee. Back to the plaza by the Palace so that the girls could try and catch a pigeon. This kind of grossed me out, because in Manhattan the pigeons are considered flying rats, but the mom explained that it's good luck if you catch a pigeon. The bio-daughter even caught one when she was little! I got some great pictures of Ingrid chasing after the pigeons. I figured that would be one of the pictures on her Bat Mitzvah video, imagining 9 years down the road when she was a typical Jewish American Princess, seeing herself chasing these flying rats.

The foster sister fell asleep in the car on the way back to the hotel, which was good because she had extreme separation anxiety. Ingrid and I tried to get out of the car very quietly, but she woke up and started to cry again when she realized Ingrid was leaving with me. Ingrid just waved and took my hand to walk back to our room. She kept calling it "nuestro apartamento" (our apartment). We ordered room service that night because it took a long time to get table service the night before, and I really wanted to have a more peaceful night so Ingrid could get better sleep than the previous night. She wanted a grilled cheese sandwich with fruit, and I got molletes (rolls with refried beans, that's served with pico de gallo, sour cream, and guacamole). She put ketchup on her grilled cheese, and even wanted to dunk her fruit in the ketchup! I said that was gross and made a face, which just cracked her up like the previous night's open-mouth trick. I think she regretted putting ketchup on the fruit, but ate it anyway. :-) She asked if the green stuff on my plate was avocado and I said yes, but as I was starting to tell her it was mixed with other spices she took a big spoonful and put it in her mouth and realized it was not plain avocado. Spat it up right in my hand. See, who says you don't get to experience all those things when you adopt an older child???

After dinner Ingrid wanted to take another bath. By this time it was already about 9 PM. I said that was OK as long as she promised to go to sleep right after the bath. And she did! After the bath, she put on her pajamas, we read a book, and she got into bed! Now I'm sure that was more the result of a full day on less than a full night's sleep rather than my awesome parenting skills, but it was pretty cool at the time that it worked!

Woke up with Ingrid. Fell asleep with Ingrid. Only day in my life.

Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I met Valerie and Henry. It was at breakfast, they were at the table next to me. (Ingrid had come the previous afternoon with her foster parents, but she didn't stay overnight that first day, she only stayed like 2 hours.) I remember being so excited that they had good plantains and black beans at breakfast, so I was excited because I had a toasted roll with leftover beans for breakfast like every day when I lived in Mexico. The waiter asked if I wanted my coffee "americano," which simply meant if I wanted milk with it. Funny how I can remember the specifics of what I ate last year, but I can barely remember this past Saturday. (Oh, yeah, I remember. That was the day from craft hell.)

After breakfast I went back up to my room to get ready more for Ingrid. Her foster family was coming for lunch, and then Ingrid was going to be staying with me. Ingrid, the foster mom, the foster sister, and one of the family's biological daughters arrived first at like 12:30, and the other biological daughter arrived with the dad a little later. I remember when Ingrid first saw me, she ran to me and jumped into my arms. The foster sister (only 2 years old) kept looking at me strange, like she knew she didn't know who I was but she didn't understand why everyone else was hugging and kissing me hello. I sat next to Ingrid. We all had the buffet. The foster mom picked out Ingrid's food, because she said she knew what Ingrid liked to eat. (She didn't eat a lot, just some soup and a little bit of chicken, but she did enjoy her cake for dessert. The foster sister, on the other hand, ate a lot. She even had seconds! The family called her "la gordita," which sounds really mean but it's a term of endearment.) The biological daughters asked me a lot of questions about what Ingrid's life will be like in America, about school and playing and the house (they had seen the pictures). The foster mom asked me about the snow and how the car is able to start when it's that cold. (I'm so spoiled, only ever had new cars that I purchased. The longest I've ever kept a car is 7 years, never even reached 100,000 miles.) After lunch, the fosters left and Ingrid stayed with me. She was excited to stay.

First thing we did was went up to the room where she checked out all of her clothes. I picked a bathing suit for her (I bought three!), the one with the little hula skirt because I thought it was just so cute. And Valerie had told me it was kind of cold in the pool and I wanted a picture of Ingrid in that suit in case she decided the pool was too cold to go in again. We got to the pool, and who was there but Angel, Kaitlyn, Zoe, and Polka Dot! Ingrid had a hard time with the pool because she wanted to show me her swimming but the pool wasn't really meant for 4 year olds. There was either the baby pool (too shallow for my big girl) or the adult pool (no way for her to stand on her own). Plus, she hated the hula skirt. We stayed at the pool less than half an hour.

Back to the room. She picked out her own outfit, I had gotten her like ten outfits and the first one she chose herself was the pink Yankees outfit. I think it's because it had the most pink, but lets just say it's because it said "Yankees." :-) Back down to the lobby, we were waiting to exchange money and I saw Valerie again. I introduced her to Ingrid (because when we talked during breakfast I was childless). Valerie said, "Oh, you're Waiting for Ingrid?" She had read my blog, and I thought that was just the coolest thing ever.

Ingrid and I played in the room, we colored, we did bubbles, and she took two baths. During the second bath, she wanted me to take pictures because she was having so much fun in a real bathtub! We did bubbles in the bath, she had a bubble bath but wanted me to blow bubbles also because that's what the foster mother called a bubble bath (burbujas = bubbles). We went back down to the restaurant for dinner. Ingrid got chicken fingers (deditos de pollo) and fries. She tried to show me her food to make me laugh, so I told her we were going to pretend we're elegant ladies having dinner (damas elegantes). Ingrid would say, Yo soy una dama elegante, and then show me all of her food in her mouth and giggle. Yes, she was definitely a little parentified in the way she took care of Karen, but she was happily still just a four year old.

After dinner we watched TV and colored some more. She did not want to go to sleep! At one point, she asked me to watch TV. She said, "Quiero ver tele" (I want to watch TV), and I said, "Pues, yo quiero dormir" (well, I want to sleep). She's so smart! She said, "Tu duermes y yo miro tele" (You sleep and I'll watch TV). Eventually I just picked her up and walked her around the room for a few minutes, rocking her. She put her head on my shoulder and fell asleep. A four year old, I got to rock her to sleep. Adopting an older child, I didn't think I'd get that chance, but I did.

* * * * * * * * * *
Good news, Betsy. The "fire" is back.

February 9

Yesterday was another bad day for me. Yes, you know that. You read the blog. Some days are just harder than others. There hasn't been an "easy" day for me since February 21, 2006. That was the day I woke up with Ingrid and fell asleep with her. The only complete 24 hour period I had to be her mother. Kind of ironic that on February 21, 2007, I will defend my dissertation proposal and move to another stage in my process. (At least ONE process for me has moved along!)

So I checked the blog for last year at this time. This was my entry for February 9, 2006:
Blogger Buddies
I have the BEST blogger buddies imaginable! Thank you so much for helping me remember I'm not alone in all of this. Thanks for your supportive comments and your encouragement, and most of all your friendship. I can't wait until ALL of our children are home!

All of your children are home now.

And then I checked the blog for the previous post, to see why I would have needed support and encouragement. (But then again, really, when have I NOT needed support and encouragement when dealing with corruptness?) Seems that I had posted one of the e-mails from the agency and made comments about the e-mail. It was about how it was 2 months since I sent in my DNA and I was still waiting for authorization. And then some stuff about the lines at the embassy and blah blah. Eh, who cares if the agency doesn't like it. They sure won't yell at me if I repost it, since THEY WON'T ACKNOWLEDGE ME! And please remember, I AM STILL THEIR PAYING CLIENT. P-A-Y-I-N-G C-L-I-E-N-T. Like in the e-mails that she would send to Adoption Supervisors, admonishing them for conning me. (No, AS did NOT con me. AS showed me the truth that the agency was conning me.) I love it when Joanne's words come back to bite her in the butt.

OK, let's repost the e-mail from February 8. (Told ya, I save everything.) The comments are NOT the original comments I posted last year. They are with the advantage of hindsight. And of knowing I wasn't overanxious needlessly - I was RIGHT to be concerned because the agency was LYING.
I will send you the Traveling to Guatemala email again. Sorry you did not get it the first time. That's cause you never sent it the first time.

We are all anxious to get the DNA test authorization and every attorney has been screaming to get the Embassy to work faster. We have a messenger that stands in line all day long hoping to get in to the Embassy to submit the papers. The E is not consistent at all with the number of cases they accept each day. Usually they have the messengers sign on a log the day before to get a number to be seen the following day. Well last week they barely got through the numbers for Tuesday by Friday! So this week they gave out all the numbers for the entire week on Monday. We are number 80 and they were only on number 30 as of yesterday! We are calling the messenger at least 5 times a day asking what number they are on, I am sure we are driving him crazy. Someone even brings him lunch in the line every day!!!! OF course the agencies are ready to storm the Embassy. It is taking 5 days to get a Pink Slip (at the end of the case so the family can travel) when it is suppose to only take two. The list of issues is endless but right now we just need your DNA authorization. This part is true. Confirmed by AS that there were changes and lines and chaos at the Embassy around this time. We have five other clients that are waiting waiting waiing. I have no way of knowing how many clients were really waiting. However, I do know I was not one of the waiting clients. The sister's case had already been kicked out for the two cedulas. The agency, or at least Thanassis, already knew there was a problem. Therefore, I was not waiting. Additionally, we now know my Power of Attorney had not been registered yet. Therefore, I was not waiting. I am sorry that we did not keep you informed of the long lines etc, of course we kept thinging manana, manana we will have the DNA auth. You did not keep me informed of more than the long lines. You did not keep me informed of the problems with this case. It's a little nauseating now to realize how much you had me conned. How I believed that you really felt like I would have DNA authorization manana. How I really thought you were looking out for my interests. You weren't, you were just trying to shut me up and keep off of your back.

You can go and have a nice visit, we have no doubt that all will be fine. This part I said last year, too: "You were also sure I'd have DNA authorization by last Friday. And on the video taken four weeks ago, you said you were getting it. Sure, I trust you. I'm also willing to buy that bridge connecting Brooklyn and Manhattan. " I'm sorry, I'm no longer interested in buying that bridge. I now know the bridge crumbled right after it was built. If you want to wait for the visit you can do that too. We really expect the authorizaiton this week or Monday at the worse case. We expect. Do I really NEED to comment on this part?

If the DNA auth comes this week then we will rush the DNA test. We would rather not do the test when you are there as it takes Ingrid away for almost a whole day. We will work around it. You totally knew I wasn't getting authorization. And I know this part isn't true, either, since my friend's baby was taken for a few hours to have DNA authorization during a visit trip. Same agency. Here you are, lying to me again, trying to show me that you are SO wonderful and SO sympathetic to me that you don't want to take Ingrid away from me for a whole day. I know that's not true - you just didn't want me to think you weren't doing anything to move my case along. And you weren't doing anything to move my case along. As I said, I believe my complete dossier is still in your "office."

I'm constantly torn between my ANGER AND HATRED and my DESIRE FOR REVENGE, compared to my intense DESIRE and NEED to be a mother and LOVE A CHILD that is waiting for a family. Do I expend my energy dealing with YOU and your HORRIBLE ways? Or do I suck it up and delve into another case? Well, the truth is, you've hurt me SO BADLY, you've destroyed my heart so much, you've taken away the trust I had in adoption, so much that I'm TERRIFIED to do this again. I'm TOO AFRAID that another agency will con me like you did. And down inside, my fragile ego is still still saying in a tiny little voice that you did nothing wrong, that it was G-d's plan for me not to become a mother. BUT IN MY HEART I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE. In my HEAD, logically, I know that's not true. This was YOUR fault. YOU did this to me. THANASSIS did this to Ingrid and her birth family.

G-d would NOT have put this love in my heart to watch me suffer like this. G-d led me to Grisha because I needed to see that my child wasn't in Eastern Europe. He needed to show me that I could not just open my heart to a child because the CHILD needed a family. I needed to understand that I had some control, that this was MY family I was creating, and I couldn't just accept a child who needed a family. I had to accept the child that was right for MY family. He wanted me to be a little more selfish than I was being when I started this journey.

And then He led me right to Ingrid. Not right to YOU, and technically not right to Ingrid. But the story goes, I asked about older children (like 4 year old girls) from Guatemala, someone responded that her agency posted two 4-year old girls that very morning. I did NOT sign with you from your photolisting. I didn't even think Ingrid was available when I signed with you anyway. I signed with you because YOU ARE A PHENOMENAL ACTRESS, and you totally had me believing that you love these children and you took pleasure in helping people create their families in Guatemala. I spoke to you for 30 minutes, while I stood outside my school on my cell phone, with tears in my eyes, believing I was talking to the woman who would introduce me to my daughter. YOU CONNED ME. And even then, I still considered OTHER agencies!!! You were not my first choice, but you won me over with your con job. Congratulations, because now I see your joy is not creating families, but in making money. You did that. You got lots of money from me. You should be proud of yourself, since I'm a pretty smart person and you managed to trick me.

So now I have to find my purpose. My first purpose is to try and see that you cannot do this to more families. Potential adoptive parents are just so desperate, and we're unfortunately willing to believe anything an agency tells us. After all, you're the expert, you've done this before and you know what you're doing but I'm totally new to this. And by the time we see a picture (and a video, and more pictures, and more videos, and meet this child, and show the child off to everyone we've ever met, and named the child, and decorated a child's room), we're TAKEN with the idea that THIS IS OUR CHILD. We know that the child is not legally ours, and we realize the birth mother may decide to parent. (And in two years, I've only heard of ONE family that resented the birth mother who decided to parent. Everyone else was heartbroken, but happy for the baby who will grow up with love.) But we're bonding with a picture, and that parental instinct takes over and we are willing to do (and believe) ANYTHING to bring our baby home. That's how you get us to believe your lies, even when your stories don't make any sense. That's how you get us to pay extra surprise fees (or to some people you even call them bribes). That's not acceptable. That's also not legal.

My second purpose is to try and make sure Thanassis can't do this to any more children. I'm not the first person to target him, and unfortunately I know I won't be the last. But I will lend my voice and my story to that fight, to stop this man. (I understand he is quite charming in person, even giving money to the children on the street. But in my heart, I can't help but question him giving money to these children as a way to convince the birth mother to relinquish them. I do think that's how he got Ingrid, but I have no proof of that.)

My third purpose is for me. I don't know what that is, but there must be something. The other purposes, they were born out of revenge. They were not born out of my desire to protect children, to love a child like no one else can, to mother a motherless daughter.