I wonder...

I wonder if she's warm enough.
I wonder if she has enough to eat.
I wonder if she has any toys.
I wonder if she has any books.
I wonder if she has her own room.
I wonder if she even has a bed to sleep on.
I wonder if she's healthy.
I wonder how tall she is.
I wonder how much she weighs.

I wonder if she's celebrating today.
I wonder if she'll have cake.
I wonder if she'll get presents.
I wonder if she's in touch with her foster family.

I wonder if anyone else knows today is her 6th birthday.

A tribute

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

If you're not the one

Daniel Bedingfield

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

You're beautiful

James Blunt

I pray you'll be my eyes
And watch her where she goes
And help her to be wise
Help me to let go
Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe
I pray she finds your light
And holds it in her heart
As darkness falls each night
Remind her where you are

A Mother's Prayer

Celine Dion

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

Here Without You

3 Doors Down

TWO FUCKING YEARS!!!!!
I'm sorry. I don't like to swear on this blog. But really, today I need it. I didn't even talk about it today with Doug. I'm doing SO MUCH better, still haven't cried at work (although I've come close), barely cry about it at all, and I'm so much more comfortable actually telling my story. But today, knowing it's TWO FUCKING YEARS, I think I deserve to use whatever language I want.

Dear UNICEF

If there's no legal process for adoption in Guatemala, then why isn't Ingrid home with me?

If all you have to do is pay $25,000 and you get a baby from Guatemala, then why isn't Ingrid home with me?

If the legal system in Guatemala is so corrupt that bribes are accepted, then why isn't Ingrid home with me?

UNICEF, your rationale is convoluted.

Reflections

One year ago RIGHT NOW, I had no idea it would be over. Well, not really no idea. I had that idea since April 24, when Joanne accidentally told me she had lied about Family Court. (In February, before my visit trip, she told me I was done with FC and that we were just waiting for DNA to go into PGN. On April 24, that's the day she first mentioned another referral but then immediately talked me OUT of it on the phone, saying that the other case would be out of PGN any day and then I'd have DNA and we'd just have to go into FC before PGN.) And I definitely thought it would be over when AS told me about Thanassis' involvement. And quite honestly, even on that last day of my visit trip when I couldn't get in touch with Ingrid's foster mother for two hours and I didn't get to see her at all that last day, I had a feeling things were very bad and no one was telling me. It was that "sixth sense" thing telling me things weren't right. And they were very, very wrong.

I don't really know the exact date Joanne (or Thanassis) found out about the two cedulas. I know it was in February 2006 and I know I wasn't told about it until March 29, which was five days after I was told I finally had DNA authorization after a 3-month wait. Even if it was February 28, that's OVER A MONTH that I wasn't informed of something that had a serious effect on my process. From what I understand, it was much earlier in February. Possibly, probably, before I went on the visit trip on February 19. Maybe even before the lie about FC on February 14. It doesn't really matter the exact date the other case was sent to minors (or as Joanne told me, sent for an investigation, like there's a difference). The important thing to remember is, I was completely lied to. For FOURTEEN months. This is the truth:

• My Power of Attorney was never filed.
• I was never entered into Family Court.
• I never got DNA authorization.
• The case WAS in minors investigation at least two times.
• The child's name is NOT Ingrid! (Yup, believe that one!)

A year ago today, I went to work like usual. My records show that I had been corresponding all week with AS, and they were quite hopeful I could still adopt Ingrid. I had already started the homestudy update process, intending to change it to two children in case the other family didn't want to wait for Ingrid's bsister so I could adopt them both (or start another case that would actually result in me adopting a child). After work, I went to happy hour with some friends. I hung out until about 8:00. Then I went to get a present to send to Jill, who was just ready to bring Aly home. I walked around the kids' furniture section of Walmart for a while, realizing that if I were to adopt the bsister I'd need a toddler bed and probably the bunk bed thing instead of the trundle I planned for Ingrid. I looked at a few outfits, imagining dressing them alike-yet-different, in similar colors but not the same exact outfit in different sizes. Oh, and I bought some Ben & Jerry's. (Remember the days during my "adoption process" when I used to hang out with my good friends B & J? I haven't seen them since like June. Another sign the depression lifted.)

And then I came home. And I got that e-mail from AS that I posted last night. It was sent about 15 minutes after I left work, which is actually a blessing. I don't know how I could have gotten home after reading that, because I freaked out. I absolutely lost it.

Doug was working the night shift. And he didn't have a cell phone, so there was no way to even get in touch with him for another 2 hours or so. My mother still didn't know about Ingrid (we were waiting until DNA to tell her). My sister was out partying. Resa and Vicki and Dawn were sleeping. I was all. alone. and. hysterical. Not a good place to be.

I sent a post to adoption.com saying AS just told me my process ended, and it got deleted because I said AS. I was. all. alone.

There was no way I could sleep. I knew that. I sat on my sofa and cried. Went to the bathroom and cried. Laid in bed and cried. Came back to the sofa and cried. Didn't eat the ice cream because I was crying. Read some blogs and cried. Sat in Ingrid's room and cried. I just cried and cried. For HOURS. I finally fell asleep at about 4 in the morning.

And then the next day, I had to be up and ready to go at 9:30 to go to a wedding. I carpooled with someone who had NO IDEA what this baby-need was all about, and it was just us in the car. For almost two hours. Nothing to say, nothing to do, just be miserable inside myself because I couldn't cry to her. The hotel we stayed at, for some reason had Santa Claus walking around (yeah, on October 7). I cried realizing that Ingrid wouldn't have Santa with me, that I may never have the joy of watching my child visit Santa. My friend couldn't take the tears and actually YELLED at me.

I got so rip-roaring drunk at the wedding. Because, really, who cared? I just lost my daughter, and I can't even tell anyone! I can't talk about it, no one would understand. No one would care.

Even now, a year later, I'm crying ugly tears just remembering it. How horrible it all was. Being all alone like that, no one knowing, no one caring, all alone.

I don't cry about it every day anymore. I can finally say that the pain is starting to subside. Starting, not over. I'll NEVER be over this. When I do eventually bring home another child, it will NOT be a replacement for Ingrid. I know from friends who lost a referral that the child they have at home is definitely the child that was always meant to be theirs, but I also know from friends who fell in love with their lost referral that they never forget.

I'll never forget. I won't forget Ingrid. I won't forget what Joanne did to me. I won't forget what Thanassis did to the bfamily. I won't forget the fear in the foster mother's face when she talked about the man who turned out to be Thanassis, and I won't forget the fear in her voice when she said the "abogado" would be mad to find out I called (she called Thanassis the attorney, which he is NOT).

Maybe I was all alone because I didn't spill this horrible news until two months later, until the raw emotion was gone and just the pain and depression were left. But I had to do that, because of Joanne. I am 100% certain that if I said AS told me the adoption would never happen, then Joanne would have denied what AS said and called me (and them) all kinds of names, and then she would have strung me along until this very day. I don't doubt that AT ALL. She's done it before, she would have definitely used that as an opportunity to get back at me for whatever she thought I had done.

A year ago today, my dream died. I lost my daughter.

October 6, 2006

This is the e-mail I received one year ago. I didn't post it, because I wanted to find out how Joanne would treat the situation. She either didn't know about it, or didn't care to tell me and preferred to string me along. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she didn't know about it. However, I said that same thing about the DNA lie and then I found out she KNEW there were two cedulas and knew I couldn't have gotten DNA authorization when she told me I did. No way for me to be sure if she knew about the contents of this e-mail or not, but I know for a fact she lied and covered up the truth about my "process." (Hard to have a POA registered in Guatemala when you also have it in your hand in South Carolina.)


Date: Fri, 06 Oct 2006 16:41:43 -0600
From: "SERJUIN" (adoption supervisors)
To: "Stacy B"
Subject: Servicios Juridicos Integrados

Good afternoon Stacy,
There has been a further developpment on (Ingrid's bsister)'s case, unfortunately, not a good one at all.We tried to check today if this file now would finally get released, however, there surfaced a problem in the director's office.

Somehow, they found out that the bio mother states she is perfectly illiterate, means she can't write nor read at all ... and yet, in her ID / Cedula she signed with - according to PGN - with a very professional looking signature.

Unfortunately, the director sent (bsister)'s file again back to Minors Section, too all we can tell it does not look but any good.

It is possible though that a person wouldn't be able to write and would still be able to actually sign his name, but PGN suspects much more on this here.

We are truly sorry for this news, right now we can't even estimate the time frame here, it is also possible that this file would land in penal section, that's a section inside Minors Section, and would possible get fwd. to the Ministerio Publico for an investigation under crime Law. We simple can't tell yet.

Looking at this new problem that has surfaced here, we would actually ask you to at least consider a new referral. This new investigation could go on for several month and the outcome is highly uncertain.

Best regards,
Edwin & Manfred


(By the way, if Joanne really didn't know about this, then isn't that even MORE reason to blame Thanassis? Shouldn't he have told Joanne about this?)

Horrible No Good

Here are some characteristics of lousy, irresponsible, unreliable, mismanaged and sub-standard agencies (taken from http://guatemala.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/weblogs/adoption-agencies-need-to-shape-up-or-sh)

:

1. They make promises that sound too good to be true. For example, promising that your child will be home in record time. HNG's website still says the kids will be home in 4-6 months. I don't know of a single family from HNG that did bring home their child in that timeframe, even when that was the average timeframe.
2. They want all the money upfront and don’t send receipts. HNG wanted half. I never got a single receipt. (Then again, nothing ever happened with my paperwork, other than the check getting cashed.)
3. They don’t explain the adoption process in detail and you just have to figure it out for yourself. HNG did explain it, but almost every group email to their "clients" states that the process is a mystery. And for what it's worth, there was no process in my case.
4. They have gag clauses in the contract and don't allow adoption supervisors. HNG did not have a gag clause. They did allow adoption supervisors, but apparently they didn't like adoption supervisors. They bullied every one of their "clients" who they found out had hired AS. And another well-known adoption supervisors group actually posted on their monthly newsletter that Joanne did not hire them. Apparently, HNG's clients were e-mailing this other group saying that the director hired them to look into their adoption case, and this must have happened several times for the group to actually put this kind of statement in their own newsletter, open to everyone on the Internet.
5. They are wonderful when you first call, but once you’ve signed on it is hard to get hold of them. FWIW, I stopped calling Joanne after the cedula thing started. But we all know that it's impossible to get a hold of her. At least, it's impossible for me to get a hold of her. What does that ticker above say? Last I heard, she was going to get back to me after she spoke with her "legal counsel." That was in January. I'd say that shows how hard it is to get a hold of her. And even that e-mail came after several days of waiting and resending the same email begging her to give me some information.
6. When there are problems in the international adoption scene, such as in Guatemala right now, they “avoid” the parents. I’m hearing so much of this right now. HNG didn't avoid me. She flat out lied to me. Like when she said I was waiting for DNA authorization even though she already knew about the two cedulas, making it impossible for me to actually get DNA authorization, she told me about the problems with the embassy.
7. You don’t get monthly photographs and updates on your child. I got pictures and a DVD each time HNG visited. Not every month, but as often as she visited. I never got a medical update. I was "in process" from October 2005 - December 2006 (using Joanne's definition of "in process"), but the only medical report I ever got was dated September 13, 2005.
8. They don’t have much information on the foster mother or orphanage,,and they won’t go out of their way to provide it. I got her name and phone number. I was encouraged to call. Then, when Thanassis started to bully the foster mother I stopped calling. Joanne kept telling me to call, but I didn't feel comfortable with it. Ultimately, Joanne told another family with this same foster mother that I called so much that the foster mother had to change her phone number because of me. That is TOTALLY not true, as I have e-mails from Joanne actually TELLING me to call and me saying I will NOT call. But anyway, I did get some information about the foster mother that turned out to be conflicting.
9. They use unethical and immoral lawyers and know it. NEED I SAY ANY MORE THAN THIS??? Hello, everyone who keeps touting Thanassis (or whatever name he'd like to go by now, Steve or Teo or Theo or whatever). He may be wonderful to you, but he IS immoral and unethical and BANNED.
10. They offer a quicker process through PGN if you pay more (YES, this still goes on; I’ve had emails from people telling me about it.) I've said this time and again. I was never asked for a bribe, but I know other people that Joanne did ask for a bribe. I don't know if those families actually did pay the bribe. I have a bunch of e-mails from Joanne, mass e-mails to all her "clients," where she openly says she'd love to bribe PGN if she could figure out a way. (And I've also admitted this time and again. If I were asked to pay a bribe at the end, to get my child out of PGN, I would almost definitely do it. I'm ashamed that I feel that way, but I'm being 100% honest here.)
11. They do not have in country staff (in Guatemala) to help you when you are picking up your child. Supposedly, HNG has in country staff. The phone number I got as my in country contact was Steve, and the phone number turned out to be a fake. And the only person I met was Thanassis.
12.There is constant staff turnover at the agency. No idea. The only one I met was Thanassis.
13. They don’t turn away applications even when they don’t have the staff to handle them. One would assume that HNG doesn't have the staff to handle their current client list, since the "clients" don't get regular updates and e-mails go unanswered.
14. They continue giving referrals when it is no longer advisable to do so. HNG updated her photolisting just the other day. I could go on the Wayback machine and see the last time, but it's not worth my energy.
15. They do not sufficiently educate prospective adopting parents on the challenges they face with international adoption. "It's a risk" is not educating PAPs. "It never happens" is not warning PAPs of the potential risks associated with the process (and hello, it DOES happen because it DID happen to me.) I don't really know how their education is for post-adoption services, but I've heard HNG will not address questions about readoption, titres, or medical history.
16. Once you bring your child home, they aren’t interested in problems you are having with paperwork or with your child. See my comment to #15.
17. They don’t train their staff well. No idea. The only person I ever had any contact with was Joanne.
18. They are ignorant of the culture and politics of the country you are adopting from. OK, this is where Joanne is queen. She DOES know the culture and politics of Guatemala. How else would she laugh off a warning about working with Thanassis and respond with, "This is Guatemala. Everyone pays a bribe."
19. They are disrespectful and unpleasant to their clients. I don't think I really need to comment on this one. Read most of my blog.

Thanassis

I don't like him. On what do I base this opinion? Nothing more than heresay, really.

I met him. He was quite pleasant to me. Ingrid adored him. That's my personal experience.

Why I don't like him:

1. He's BANNED by the Embassy! I don't know why (although I have a pretty good idea). But the truth of the matter is, he is NOT supposed to be working on adoptions for the US. If the Embassy banned Mother Theresa, I'd go along with what the embassy said. Now, you can judge me for taking someone else's opinion as my own, but that's just how I feel about it. I tend to take statements like this seriously "We advise all agencies to not accept any referrals from Mr. Kollias, as they will be rejected. Any Guatemalan attorneys or notaries found to be involved with Mr. Kollias in attempting to circumvent this proscription will likewise be subject to similar action." (Source: http://www.guatadopt.com/archives/000261.html. I've seen it on the US Embassy site, also, but this one was faster to find and I'm really not interested in proving it to you.)
2. The accusation by Barrios was that Ingprid's bmom's cedula was fraudulently signed. I don't know for a fact that he did it, but he was definitely involved. And I know of other cases, HIS cases, where there were similar accusations of fraudulent cedulas. Once is an aberration, twice is a pattern, three times it's his Modus Operendus.
3. He doesn't use his real name. I don't really remember the name he introduced himself to me with, because frankly I didn't care what his name was. He did not identify himself as an attorney or facilitator or ANYTHING, only as a translator. And I did not need a translator, I needed DNA authorization, or the truth about the cedulas, or a medical update. At any rate, the name I was given as a contact by Joanne was "Steve." I was also given "Steve's" phone number. When I called the number, no one there spoke any English (and I then confirmed in Spanish that it was the wrong number). It's all too sneaky for my comfort level. I later found out from other families that Thanassis goes by the name Steve (and then I checked my own records, sure enough the contact I had was Steve). And sure enough, when I saw a picture of Thanassis in August it was the same man I met at the Marriott. It was Thanassis, no doubt about it.
4. He intimidated the foster mother. Horribly so. She was so afraid of him, of whoever that translator guy was (and she didn't say his name, she did say he was from the attorney's office or maybe she even said the attorney). I mean, she was very worried she'd lose her job as a foster mother because she had spoken with me by phone. (And several months of e-mails with Joanne followed, where Joanne insisted "the office" was fine with me calling and the foster mother insisted the "abogado" was not fine with it. I called ONCE after my visit trip, only for Easter. (Not even for Ingrid's birthday!) I hesitate to even write that much, because I think he reads the Internet.
5. Two biological siblings, relinquished at the same time, same "facilitator," same agency. Different attorneys, different cedulas. Seems too fishy to me. I don't blame the reviewer for flagging two cedulas, and that was without even knowing about Ingrid's relinquishment. Joanne told me once that they didn't realize there were two cedulas, and why would they realize because there were two different files? Come to find out, two files AND two attorneys, separated by Thanassis. Then, Joanne told me a few days later that they DID know about the two cedulas. Which is the truth? It seems that Thanassis knew about the two cedulas and was hoping to avoid problems by placing the girls through different attorneys. I know he tried that before with another family, one placement happened after two years and the other got stuck in investigations until the aparents gave up.
6. Bullying, intimidation, lying, covering up. Those are things I don't believe in. Those are business moves. He's trying to sell you a child. I'm not paying him for a child, thank you.

I'm glad he's good for you. I'm glad he helped you. Really, I'm happy. The most important thing is ALWAYS making sure babies are safe and loved. But Thanassis, he's just not my cup of tea. And it's worth over $20,000 to me, to stand my ground and try to do this ethically.