Not open to interpretation

On December 12, 2006, I was told that I would receive an agreement to sign the very next day, and that I would get my refund and dossier by the beginning of the next week. Keep that in mind.

By Friday, December 15 (three days later), I still hadn't received any agreement from Joanne. Since Joanne said I needed to sign this agreement before she gave me my refund, I wanted to be sure to sign it ASAP. Her own words were that she would get the agreement to me that next day, and it's already two days beyond that.

I sent her an e-mail:
I sent my fax number on Tuesday but I have not received either a fax or e-mail as you indicated I would. That is fine if it's taking longer than expected but please let me know you have gotten the fax number. In case you haven't, it is (XXX) xxx-xxxx.

Five minutes later, I got this response:
I was just getting ready to email you. The atty sent over this horrid agreement that is soooo legalese and terrible. I called to have him clean it up (give me a break there are at least 13 "whereas" comments) as I can not even understand it. He is out of town until the 24th so I have to wait until then. I PROMISE you that I am PERSONALLY sending you the funds. The board was crazed, our atty is livid and my accountant about passed out. That all said, I am sending you the money but it looks like the agrement will not be done until after Christmas but I will handle it myself as soon as we are back in the ofice on the 27th

Honestly, it was five minutes later. E-mails are stamped with the time, so it's not an exaggeration or my shady memory of events. I find it ironic that three days had passed, yet she was "just getting ready" to e-mail me at the exact time I e-mailed her.

I guess they never had this kind of issue before, that they never had an agreement like this before to sign? If Joanne can't understand it, then she is not approving the agreement. I'm fine with that, I'll wait for the agreement even though you said I'd have it a few days ago. But I'm curious why it's taking so long like this? And I'm also curious about an attorney that will be out of town until Christmas Eve. He's off the week before, but will work on Christmas? Huh?

And in Joanne's words, she is PROMISING me that she will PERSONALLY send me the refund. Everyone else is incensed about the situation (not my problem how your company operates, BTW), but she is PROMISING me. It's all there, not open to interpretation. "I PROMISE you that I am PERSONALLY sending you the funds."

But I have to wait until December 27. 2006, for the agreement...

So then what'd ya do?

I immediately typed out a response to Joanne, but I didn't send it. I saved it. It's raw.

Then I posted on my blog.

Then I typed another response to Joanne. Still didn't send it. Still too raw.

Then I had to run errands. I had to drive all over my county to find a copy of Beauty and the Beast to show for the French club, it had all been arranged previously so I couldn't just go home and cry. I knew for two months that this day would eventually come, but I really thought that at least I'd get the option of a new referral. Finally, the option that I've been asking about for MONTHS but Joanne refused to hear or listen. I called some friends while I ran the errands and cried to them, but in honesty I had been preparing for that day for months.

I didn't send Joanne a response that night. I needed to process what happened. Figure out how to word things, because any way I could think of was not the words I'd like to use professionally. And this is business, so I wanted to be professional. You can imagine the words I'd like to use, many of them have four letters and I probably would have used various forms of a word starting with f. (BTW, the responses I wrote but did not send weren't full of curses. They just weren't the tone I'd like to use.) I did not rush to answer Joanne, since this news was TWO MONTHS forthcoming. If she could wait five days to tell me DNA authorization was a lie, and she could wait one week to tell me what happened when the bmother was interviewed by the "reviewer" at PGN, and she could wait two months to tell me this case would never be approved, I surely had the right to sleep on my response to this devastating news. (PAPs are always complaining about the "lack of communication" from the agency. Talk about turning the tables.)

The next morning at 9:01 AM (11 working minutes after she sent me that e-mail), she sent this follow-up:
We have sent you three separate emails and you have not responded to any of them. That is fine if you do not want to respond but please let us know if you are getting them. Thank you.

I sent my response:
It seems you do not feel you will be able to find a child for me to adopt. Therefore, I will accept your offer to refund me $8,000 of the money I paid. Thank you.Stacy
I also included the part of her e-mail where she gave me the refund option.

Joanne responded:
I am so sorry for this. There is a girl but she is with the same original office and I doubt that you want to work with them...we sure do not but we would for you. What are your plans? Can we refer you to another agency or ???? We will work on getting your dossier back even if it is expired so you have the documents....do not want those floating around Guatemala any longer. Have you talked with (the fmother)? What can we do to ease this terrible situation?
Notice the change in tone. This second e-mail was sent twelve minutes after her previous one. Strange, huh? Seems like a different person wrote it. The first e-mail seemed accusatory, this one seems so compassionate. Which part of this e-mail do you like best?

• The part where she says she sure doesn't want to work with this same office but she would for me? Cause since then, I've heard she continues to work with this same office. If she would only be willing to work with them for me, why is she working for them without me?
• The part where she wants to refer me to another agency? 'Cause I trust her after what she did with my homestudy update. Like I don't know enough people in the Guat adoption world who can refer me to another agency. (Remember, I already HAVE another agency!)
• The part where she'll get my dossier back? 'Cause I still don't have it back and it's over a year later. (Wait for another few updates to the blog and you'll have a better idea of where my dossier really is.)
• The part where she asks if I've spoken with the fmother? 'Cause she knew for months that the fmother wouldn't answer my phone calls because she was afraid of Thanassis. And she knew that the fmother changed her phone number, because Joanne tried calling herself. And a few months later, she actually told another family that I was calling the fmother too much, yet here's another instance where she's telling me to call the fmother!
• The part where she asks what she can do to ease this terrible situation? (I think that's my favorite part. It's so full of response that I can't even put it into words.)

I responded politely: Please refund the money, and if possible retrieve my expired documents. Thank you.

She responded in tone #2: I will get this handled by Friday. We will have the dossier sent from GC by Friday as well. I will personally handle this.
What are your plans going forward ?

I have several options I have been working on for the past few months.
Thank you in advance for retrieving everything for me. I will expect it early next week?

I said that we would have the funds sent to you by the end of the week and that we would get the office to send the dossier back. So you will have them next week. As a reminder, these funds are coming directly from our account. I need to email or fax you an agreement to sign to settle the issue so you can not come back later - sorry that is from our atty. I will have them send that out by tomorrow.

My fax number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. Thank you again.

That was the last e-mail for the day. Time of Joanne's last e-mail: 9:38 AM. A total of 37 minutes had passed. And then I went to teach, and my last e-mail was sent at 11:28, the beginning of my next prep period.

The ONLY things that have been changed from the e-mails were taking out the name of the fmother and taking out my fax number. Oh, and I took out Joanne's signature which includes her agency name and website, and phone number. (Why repeat them?)

As per this e-mail exchange:

1. Was I rude in any way?
2. Was I demanding?
3. Did Joanne imply the only way I could have a new referral was to go through Big T, and that she does not want to work with him anymore but would do me a favor by working with him?
4. Did Joanne say I'd have my refund and my dossier by the following week? (Isn't that a year ago NOW? And I'm still waiting.)
5. Did Joanne say that I will have to sign an agreement from the attorney so that I can't come back later? And that the agreement would go out by December 13, 2006? (What's today's date?)
6. And then I gave her my fax number so that she could fax the agreement that very minute - because it was my intention to sign the agreement and not my intention to "come back later"?

Really. Tell me what I did that was not amenable. Considering I knew my POA had never been registered and that Joanne in fact had completely scammed me, I was totally open to her refund arrangement where I'd still be losing money. What did I do wrong here?

Here's how it happened

Monday, December 4, 2006 (from Joanne)
The case for (Ingrid's bsister) is all but at a total standstill. It is in the PGN but keeps getting kicked over to the Minors side (but not in the Minors Section) for review etc. We have hired 2 outside attys to monitor this case and everyone agrees (including the previous boss to the PGN ) that the PGN is making much too much out of the two cedula issue. Also, it seems to everyone involved that the PGN has no intentions of clearing this case for approval. BUT it is not denied. Just not approved. Everyone has been waiting for much too long for this case to be approved. The other family is giving up even though we have asked her to hang on for one more week. There is a meeting with the PGN and our hired atty and the case atty this Friday. We are taking the BM with us too. (The agency) arrranged for that meeting and I am sure that we used up every favor we ever thought we had and any we might hope to have for years to come to get that meeting. Luckily the secretary to the boss has taken a bit of pity on this case and situation. So if they meeting goes "ok" then maybe there is a chance to get the other case approved. At the meeting the boss is suppose to tell the atty what the issue is. There are no other previos and no other issues so we have no idea how things will go. As a reminder - the BM second cedula clearly states that she had a cedula from another municipality and that this is a replacement. No one tried to hide it and people get replacement cedulas all the time. There must be more to it but obviously no one knows what it is, not us, not the atty, not the PGN reviewer, no Adoption Supervisiors (otherwise they would have told you) and not whoever the other family denies hiring to check on the case.

We have fought a long fight for this and I have no idea what we are going to do if this case is not approved. Well it has to be denied or it will just linger forever in the PGN or ???? Either way, we can not do the case of Ingird without an approval on the first case. Please ask your pals at AS if they think otherwise. I called them when I was in GC last week but of course, they will never return a call from a mere agency. Perhaps you will have better luck. Our team is split as to if we can do Ingrid even with the denial from PGN. The main thinking / concern is that if the PGN denied or just did not bother to approve the first case, then they will do the same thing with the second case.

We are so sorry but I wanted to give you some time to get a plan for your adoption depending on how Friday goes. Thoughts?

December 7, 2006 (from AS)
Good evening Stacy,Well, later the day sometimes means for us late the day ... but our scanner is online now, so please find the negativa from the archivo de protocolos attached to this email. Like already mentioned, your POA never ever was registered at Supreme Courts, therefore no adoption could have ever started.Se suscriben de usted cordialmente,Edwin & Manfred

The family trying to adopt the bsister was told by Joanne that if that meeting on "Friday" (Dec 8) was not successful for whatever reason, she would get a new referral as early as Dec. 10. I don't know what was told to that other family on December 8, but I know that by that date they ALREADY HAD THE REFERRAL OF A NEW BABY. (Joanne's hijinx ensued, she asked for almost the ENTIRE fee and did not apply any of the fees already paid which goes against her contract, and that baby was not adopted by this family. But my point is, the other family DID get a new referral as early as December 8, the very day of the meeting I was told about.)

Monday, December 11, 2006 (from Joanne)
Stacey- (I'm used to people spelling my name wrong. This one bugged me, though. I mean, you're basically about to tell me that I've lost my daughter and you can't even spell my name right? Nice to make me feel supported, but you haven't made me feel supported through ANY of this nightmare so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.)

It is time to decide what to do. The case of (the bsister) is still in the PGN but it is suppose to be referred to the Public Ministry (the other family told Joanne that according to someone she personally spoke with at PGN, the case was in the Penal Section and was being looked at for possible fraud) which means that absolutely nothing will happen with the case. There is no reason for this but this case has been nothing but roadblock after problem. The atty hired to process this case for us - Lic XXX XXXX had a sit down meeting with the boss of the PGN and the boss could not say one specific thing that was wrong with the case. The issue of the two cedulas was discussed and the boss said that he is concerned about fraudulent cedulas etc and that this case is being referred for more review. The thing of it is---- everyone knew that she had one cedula from one town and then a replacement from another town. It is clearly written on the replacement cedula. We sent our own hired attys to both Civil Registrys so we know that they are both legal and original. Nothing seems to go right with this case. So if that case is not going to get approved, then there is no way to do the adoption of Ingrid. We are researching other options and are open to more ideas. We have calls out to both Adoption Supervisors offices to see if they have any ideas. I am sure that if they did, they would have already told you. (I've spoken with the two big Adoption Supervisors group. One is the Edwin and Manfred, they were already working for me. The other specifically said that Joanne did not hire them for anything.)

At this point we have to consider the case of Ingrid as lost. The original office that had this case is not considering the case of (the bsister) as lost so they are not considering the case of Ingrid as lost. (Strange thing about that - they were different attorneys! Different attorney = different office, right? That was the reason that I was originally told they didn't realize there were two cedulas. But that was waaaayyyy back in March or April and Joanne didn't realize that I'm a SAVER of documents. But at any rate, the girls were being placed through different attorneys. Why should the original office have any say on if Ingrid's case is lost or not? It's been "lost" for months now! Especially since no office had ever filed a Power of Attorney to actually have a case to lose.) That said, there is no way that we can see that either case can get approved at this point.

The atty office is not giving back any money and seeing as we do not do any cases with them and have not for awhile (except for all the other ones I've heard about since, apparently), we do not have a credit to use or to use in the future with them (except Ingrid's foster sister, who with MY same attorney and had not been out of PGN yet so there's a credit to use in the future with them). That said, we can work to get you back $8000 of the total funds paid and the dossier (which of course is outdated ) and you can go to another agency to start another case. We have spent over $6,000 on this case (and I gave you $11,500, not to mention the money I spent on my homestudy and immigration and dossier and a trip to Guatemala, and OH YEAH MY HEART) and you were offered to stop the case long ago but you wanted to hang on (because you gave me no choice when I called you in April and you talked me into waiting, and then when I called you in July you chose to ignore that I actually asked for a new referral, and you ignored it every time I mentioned it since then). We have personally paid the foster care for the past six months and have paid for all of the attys that we have brought in, the PGN insiders that tired to help (you're saying you paid PGN insiders that tried to help, that's what you said, you're ADMITTING TO BRIBING PGN and expect ME to pay for that???? Or you're bribing PGN with your own money, after having accepted a huge fee from me??? I was never asked to bribe PGN, and I did not give any consent for you to bribe them on my behalf.) and anyone else with hopes of getting (the bsister) done and getting Ingrid started.

We can go back to the original office and try to get a replacement case but I would expect that you would rather have your funds back. I am not sure of what the total amount that you paid to start the case was (you don't have records of how much I paid you???? What kind of business operation are you running there? Just check your contract as of the date I signed it, back in September 2005. That clearly says how much I paid.) but we can get you $8,000 back which is most likely less than what you paid. This is a very unusual offer as other agencies (I can name at least 8 off the top of my head without thinking too hard) would not offer you $1 back let alone $8,000. (That's why I didn't hire the other agencies. I hired YOU. Frankly, I don't care what other agencies would or would not do right now. A lot of of other clients wouldn't have put up with your shit as long as I did. I can name at least 20 off the top of my head without thinking too hard!)

We are devastated for Ingrid. I will talk to (the foster mother) personally to see what we are going to do. Perhaps we can process an Abandonment and then do the case that way in a year or so. Our heads are still spinning so I have to think about our options more later. Meanwhile, you need to come to terms with what you must have known was a great possibility. (Yeah, I've known it was a great possibility. I've been asking about it as a possibility since March 29, when you first told me about the two cedulas.)

We sent you a very long and very detailed message last Monday but you either did not get it or you chose to ignore it. I am going to go with you did not get it (we had a few other emails that same hour that were lost in space). (I didn't choose to ignore it. I chose not to respond. Because I've known this for two months already and I wanted YOU to tell me yourself. Just like you didn't always answer my questions, I didn't feel the need to send a terse "Thanks for the update." It was NOT an update. It was NOT very long OR very detailed. It's the message posted at the beginning of this post.)

I am so very sorry for you but more so for Ingrid.

HATE is not too strong a word.

Reasons

I rack my brain trying to figure out a reason all of this happened. To me. Why ME? No, not me, why US? To me, to Doug, and to Ingrid.

But most of all, to me.

Sorry to sound so selfish, but that's just how I'm feeling. Ingrid is WITH her family, she is with her biological family (because I choose to believe Big T on that, and because I haven't seen her face in any of the orphanage pictures I've scoured). Doug, well, I don't know how upset he still is over losing Ingrid. He talks about it, but he's afraid to talk too much because he doesn't want to bring up anything that's going to set me off. I see him looking at other kids, I know he knows what I'm thinking. It really has been a constant this year, everything we do is with the knowledge that a child is not here. Not that Ingrid isn't here, but that any child isn't here. MY child. Our child.

I know all things happen for a reason, but I don't yet know what that reason is. I get the whole "G-d's perfect timing," but I don't understand why I have to do this stupid dissertation. I'm resentful of it now, actually. When I started this program almost five years ago, I did it because I wanted to learn to do research. I wanted to challenge myself. I wanted to find out how to figure out a problem and then do a study to prove things. I wanted to make a name for myself in the field of educational research. And I still want those things for myself. When I'm in "the zone" of working on the study, I get very excited, genuinely excited down to my core that I'm doing what I really want to do. But most of the time, I'm just sad that I have to finish the dissertation and won't consider the mom thing until the dissertation is over. (Dissertation, not the defense. Defense is April, graduation is May, that's all too late to start on "my plan." Dissertation is actually DUE on February 1 to meet those other dates, so February 2 is the day I want to activate "my plan.")

I often think about the people I started this journey with. Those that came along with me for moral support. Those I hugged in Guatemala when I was with Ingrid, and those that were with me in Guatemala as I started to piece together the nightmare was really becoming. I watch with envy and joy as they brought their children home, as they celebrated their first holidays as a family, and in many cases as they started (and finished) another adoption process. But I've also watched virtual friends get stuck in nightmares of their own, agencies that don't tell the complete story, facilitators that make up excuses, and worst of all governments that change the rules mid-stream.

I was reading through Cheri's blog, the archives section. I remember distinctly the entry I was looking at, the first time I saw it. My stat counter was WAAAY up one day (I was checking it weekly then, now it's maybe once a month if I think about it), and I got tons of hits from Cheri's blog. I checked it out, and saw how my story scared her because of her own cedula problem. I am so grateful that her problem was not like mine. I will forever be sorry that I caused her even a second of worry, thinking that because my cedula turned out to be fraudulent (although I hadn't revealed all of that publicly yet, I was still hoping Joanne would pull through for me, stupid me) that, well, you know what we all thought.

But if it weren't for MY cedula, I wouldn't have known about Cheri's story.

If it weren't for that darned dissertation, I might not get those supportive comments from Michelle.

If it weren't for that Horrible No Good agency, I wouldn't have met some great friends.

If it weren't for the entire DNA debocle, I definitely wouldn't have "met" Jill.

I have a choice to make. I can sit here and remember what happened two years ago, and what happened one year ago, and what is NOT happening now. I can wallow in that misery. I can let it consume me some more. OR I can finish my dissertation this weekend. I can clean my house and prepare for "my plan." I can get working on the fundraiser I have planned, because I'm going to have LOTS of free time after the dissertation is finished :-). I can balance my checkbook, cook a real meal, sort my papers, pack up the Ingrid box once and for all, and move on with my life.