Losing Ingrid

How to contact me

2008-03-07T18:19:00.003-05:00

I've had some comments left that I will not approve ONLY because they give accounts of similar treatment by Joanne. If these families are still in process, I will NOT jeopardize anyone's adoption by putting their information on this blog for Joanne to see. (I know that Joanne has read my blog. I don't know how frequently she visits, but I wouldn't be surprised if she pops up every so often.)

For that reason, if you are a family who is currently working with Joanne and you'd like to speak with me, please leave a comment with your e-mail and I will contact you. I will not "approve" your comment because I don't want Joanne do to do you, what she did to me. If she sees your name on my blog, or if she sees any distinguishing statements about your case on my blog, she may react. She's done it before. (And please be careful about what information you put on any blog, or e-mail group or any forum. Joanne has read things, and I've often had the feeling that she's sought out comments I've made on the Internet. She has commented directly about things she's read on this blog.)

Additionally, if you are a family who is working with an agency that has similar "practices," please understand that these are not the normal risks associated with international adoption. You did not hire an agency to be your best friend, nor did you hire the agency to bully you. You hired an agency to help facilitate the adoption process, and that is all you expect from this agency. (If you gain a new friend, that's great! If the agency is bullying you or intimidating you, or making you believe that the problems associated with your case are because of something did, then this agency is NOT operating in a manner consistent with what you paid them to do.) If you just want to bounce ideas, possibilities, whatever you think is a "snowball's chance in h-ll" that your agency is not being upfront about, please leave a comment (that I will not post) with your e-mail and I will contact you. Chances are you are not the only one with this concern about the agency. I know that when "it" happened to me, I thought I was the only one in the world that this ever happened to. It turned out that I wasn't alone, not in what happened with Ingrid, not in what happened with Teo, and not in what happened with Joanne. I now realize that sadly, I was NOT alone and this happens far more frequently than I'd once believed.

All said, I do believe with all of my heart that most of the adoptions from Guatemala were conducted completely ethically. I've met some of the most amazing people through this journey, people who have faced adversity I could never have imagined. And I believe without a doubt that there was nothing suspicious about their adoptions. And I believe that adoption is a WONDERFUL way to create a family, for the parents and for the child. I am thankful that my experience is NOT the norm, and I hope that Dateline showed that a few bad seeds can spoil the whole crop. May G-d watch over you as you progress through the adoption journey, and may He help us stop those who are hurting children and families with their actions.

Yeah

2008-01-20T18:36:00.001-05:00

It's me.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

My Last Post

2008-01-12T21:14:00.000-05:00

Note: Before I started my adoption journey and they were just "plans" to adopt, I picked out names. Eliza Jane was my girl's name.

And then along came Ingrid Jeaneth. I was told she went by Ingrid, so that's what I've almost always called her. But then I found out (about 10 months into my "process") that she prefers to go by Jeaneth, which is pronounced more like Janette. So that was going to be her American name. Same as her Guatemalan name, just a different spelling so that teachers will be able to actually say her name correctly. Janette.

This blog needs to end before I can continue. I need to move past this hurt. Ingrid will never be my daughter, only for those few days in February 2006. And as I type this, the hurt is just too real for me to end this blog and move on. I will be able to fulfill my dream.

Baby Jane, by Rod Stewart
Note: first few lines omitted as they don't apply
I wish I knew what I know now before

When I give my heart again
I know it's gonna last forever
No one tell me where or when
I know it's gonna last forever

Baby Jane don't it make you feel sad
just when I thought that we were winning
You and I were so close in every way
don't time fly when you're loving and laughing
I've said goodbye so many times
the situation ain't all that new
Optimism's my best defense
I'll get through without you

When I give my heart again
I know it's gonna last forever
No one tell me where or when
I know it's gonna last forever
I won't be that dumb again
I know it's gotta last forever
When I fall in love again
I know it's gonna last forever

Baby Jane I've said all I want to say
go your own way don't think twice about me
Cause I've got ideas and plans of my own
so long darlin' I'll miss you believe me
The lesson learned was so hard to swallow
but I know that I'll survive
I'm gonna take a good look at myself and cry

When I give my heart again
I know it's gonna last forever
No one tell me where or when
I know it's gonna last forever
When I fall in love next time
I know it's gonna last forever
I won't be that dumb again
I know it'll last forever

Good-bye, baby doll. I'll miss you. I love you.
Love, Mami Stacy

Almost the end

2008-01-07T20:53:00.000-05:00

I waited over the weekend. I read some sites about things other agencies have done to manipulate clients, and so many things sounded familiar. I checked old e-mails and timelines. I reread everything from Adoption Supervisors, especially the times when AS said one thing and Joanne said the opposite.

And then I got into Researcher mode. This was last January, remember, when I was preparing my dissertation proposal. I already had the tools to formulate a theory and design a study to test that theory. I knew how to organize information and use documents to prove a hypothesis. I had been preparing for the answer to Joanne's "deal" for three years of doctoral study.

I sent this response at 7:15 on Monday (January 8, 2007) morning, before I left for work that day: (Please note that all bold type has been added by me in THIS post and did not appear in bold type in the original e-mail. The only other changes were the removal of the agency name. The italics were in the original e-mail to clearly distinguish quotes from the agency Business Agreement.)
According to the (agency) Business Agreement,
"Duties of (agency): (Agency) agrees to provide information as to the expeditious preparation of documents required for international adoption in Guatemala, keep the Family informed of the adoption proceedings in Guatemala, intervene on behalf of the Family with the adoption sources in Guatemala and the American Consulate, and assist with the preparation of the documents for the final visa approval. (Agency) shall provide periodic updates on the health of the child assigned to the Family. (Agency) also agrees to keep Family informed of any activity taken on behalf of the Family."

As you know, I have never received any medical update from a doctor about Ingrid. There was never any activity taken on my behalf, the activity was taken on behalf of (the bsister)'s family.

"Adoption Risks: (Agency) cannot guarantee any time frame for completion of the adoption after the assignment has been made because each adoption is subject to and governed by the laws of the country of the child's origin and the immigration laws of the United States. (Agency) has no control over changes in laws that may affect the adoption process. Shouold Family choose to withdraw from the international adoption program after an assignment has been made, for any reason, all fees paid to (agency) and its foreign source, and no refunds of any nature shall be paid or due. Family understands that (agency) is unable to guarantee that no new categories of charges will be required or guaranteed that dates scheduled for overseas trips may not be cancelled or rescheduled because of events beyond its control. All such costs are the sole risk and responsibility of Family."

If (agency) were abiding by the immigration laws of the United States, I would never have been matched with Ingrid. Ingrid was being placed through a facilitator that is banned by the US Embassy.

My adoption process never started to adopt Ingrid, as my Power of Attorney was never filed. I was never "in process" during the past 13 months since I mailed in my dossier.

The Family (me) is not choosing to withdraw from the international adoption program. An assignment has never been made, as the child assigned to me was never able to be relinquished and my POA has never been filed.

"Child Placing: Family understands and acknowledges that (agency) does not place the child. The placement of any child is made by the foreign adoption source."

Therefore, you do not need to give me a placement with this same attorney. This attorney did not file the POA for my case, and therefore did not place a child with me. You can take the refund from this attorney and apply it to another referral with a different attorney. Please remember that this attorney works with Thanassis, who is banned by the US Embassy. You are not permitted to knowingly give me a referral from Thanassis. According to the US Embassy's letter of March 30, 2005,

"This is to inform all involved in Guatemalan adoptions that effective today, Mr. Athanasios Kollias, aka Athanase Thomas Collias, Athanasis Thomas, Thomas Collias, has been banned to act as facilitator in the submission and/or processing of I-600 (Petition to Classify Orphan as an Immediate Relative)applications before the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services at the American Embassy in Guatemala.
We advise all agencies to not accept any referrals from Mr. Kollias, as they will be rejected.
Any Guatemalan attorneys or notaries found to be involved with Mr. Kollias in attempting to circumvent this proscription will likewise be subject to similar action."

"Interruption of Adoption Services: If, at any time during the adoption process, Family decided to terminate the adoption process, all fees and expenses due to (agency) and in the source country at the time of the interruption of adoption services, may be considered included, but not limited to, change in family structure, such as separation, divorce, or death of a family member, instability in employment or other financial problems, health problems which might adversely affect the placement of a child with Family, falsification of records by Family, etc. "

The Family is not deciding to terminate the adoption process. According to this paragraph, I have always had the control you say you are just now trying to give me. This clause does not have any provisions for the Agency choosing to terminate the adoption process.

Therefore, according to the (agency) Business Agreement, I see there are two options.
(1) I get a new referral with an attorney not associated with a banned facilitator.
(2) I get a complete refund of all fees paid, as this happened before there was a child assigned to me for placement. According to the contract, the fees paid to the attorney were $9,000 and half of the (agency) fee, $2,000.

I will expect your answer by the close of the business day on Tuesday, January 9. Thank you.
Stacy

"By the close of the business day." That is more than 24 hours, in fact it is two complete business days. I don't need to tell you that Joanne didn't answer me. I resent it the next day from my work e-mail, stating that the program enabled me to see the time she opened the e-mail and that I expected a response within 24 hours.

Still, no response. By Thursday night, it was clear that Joanne was not going to respond to me. She promised me a referral OR a refund, I said I would accept either one, and now she's ignoring me. She's not living up to her contract and she's blaming ME for the entire thing. There are provisions for what happened outlined right in her contract. I pointed out the provisions: refund or referral. I would have taken either one (the only thing I would not take was a new referral through Thanassis, which I also explained why I would not accept). I went to the forums.

Yup, the forums Joanne says to stay away from, but she advertises HEAVILY on. For a while, it seemed that every time I'd check the forum I'd see HER advertisement. And if you search for her agency online, there's actually a quote from Joanne about how wonderful the forum's photolisting is because it brought her lots of "leads." Make no mistake about it - potential adoptive parents are "leads" and not "people she can help process an adoption for." I'm not going to fish out my exact post on the forum, but it was something along the lines of "I lost my referral after 14 months and now my agency won't answer my e-mails."

Just as I expected, I got a bunch of private messages asking for the name of the agency. I also got some posts offering condolences, followed by private messages asking for the name of the agency. People wanted the name of the agency, that was for sure. (I can't blame them; no one wants to be involved with an agency that would give a referral, watch nothing happen for fourteen months, and then after the referral is "lost" the agency won't even answer an e-mail. That is a HUGE red flag, even to the biggest skeptic.) Bright and early the next morning, I posted a comment on my own post, thanking people for their support through private messages. I knew my comment would bump the post to the top of the forums. First thing in the morning, when Joanne logged on to ~~spy on her clients~~ check on the latest news.

Seven minutes later, I finally got a response to the e-mail I sent on Tuesday:
I have sent this to our legal counsel and will wait to hear from them. I doubt very much that your information is correct and seeing as we did offer you a replacement that you passed up and you continued to want to wait....

You can make all the "I am expecting a response from you within 24 hours of your having read the e-mail" demands you want. When we hear back from our atty we will respond to you and not before.

There's a little more interchange, two or three e-mails back and forth, but they just reinterate that she will get back to me after she hears from her attorney.

And as far as that "24 hour" thing - sucks to be her, since she sent the rest of her clients an e-mail earlier that week (within minutes of my Tuesday e-mail) stating:
As a result of this very uncooperative attitude by certain families, as a policy (the agency) will only answer emails during the day from about 9 AM until about 4 PM. We will, at our own discretion, answer emails from families with genuine questions or concerns or thoughts in the evening and weekends. The official policy will be that each email will have a response within 24 hours of receipt and if an exact answer is not readily available (which very rarely happens), a note advising of receipt of the email will be sent and an estimate as to when we will have the information will be given. We never imagined that we would have to resort to this kind of unfriendly policy but unfortunately a few clients have made this legally necessary.
(There was much more to the e-mail, but it doesn't matter much. You can see that according to Joanne's own "official policy," she will respond to each e-mail within 24 hours of receipt exactly as I was requesting she do. Funny that her "official policy" came right after I ask her to answer me using those same guidelines and she responds that she will IN NO WAY answer in that time period.)

That's where it ends. Friday, January 12, 2007. It's been almost a year. I'm tired of this. I've had enough. Two more posts on this blog, and then it will become legacy.

but you PROMISED

2008-01-05T08:49:00.001-05:00

Last I heard from Joanne on December 15, 2006, she told me I'd get the refund agreement to sign on December 27. We went to my mom's house for Christmas vacation, so I didn't even check my e-mail until December 28. (Imagine how shocked Doug was when I didn't check e-mail from December 24 - 28!)

(Remember the color code - red is Joanne's e-mail, black is my comments, and green is my e-mail to Joanne.)

December 26
Hola-

The offices of (the agency) will be open again on December 27. It has been a very sad and upsetting week for all of us with the sudden deaths of two people in our lives. Last Friday, December 15, our long time assistant / associate and my very best friend in Guatemala was murdered in the middle of the day. Someone came up to Patricia while she was picking up her son from a clinic (he had broken his ankle playing basketball), talked to her for a short minute and then shot her twice in the heart and throat. The Police quickly decided that they were unable to determine who or why so they are not going to open an investigation. Such is the ways of Guatemala with murder. We were devastated by the news. We were on our way to Belize at the time to assist with the opening of a medical clinic founded by a good friend and agency owner. I rerouted to Guatemala while my family and staff continued on to Belize. I caught up with my family a few days later and then decided to cut our trip a bit short to get back home to deal with the many issues that Patricia's death brought us. (I hate to be cynical about such a tragic event. Anytime someone is murdered, for whatever reason, it is a tragedy. However, most people who read this blog have been to Guatemala. Not the "seedy" parts, but the country. It's not as dangerous and wild as this paragraph would have you believe. Just like in any country, things like this tend to happen to people involved in shady practices. I hope that Patricia was truly just an innocent bystander, rather than this murder being some kind of retaliation for her involvement with shady characters in unethical business practices.) (OK, and just a bit of cynicism. Isn't Joanne a humanitarian, to be going to Belize to open a medical clinic during her Christmas holiday? What a kind-hearted soul.)

We came back for one day and received the terrible news that one of our darling babies had become very suddenly sick and had passed away during the night at the private hospital. It is always terrible to think of losing a baby (we never have had this happen in 7 years) but the family was leaving in 2 days to go to Guatemala to bring her home so it felt even worse. They had a super fast case and were completed in record time. The Embassy took much longer than usual to issue the Pink Slip otherwise the family would have been in Guatemala at the time or maybe even had her home by the time the death occurred. The family is drawing upon their deep love and trust in the Lord to get them through this terrible time. We have counseled and assisted them every step of the way with this tragic loss and disappointment. We have someone going with them to Guatemala this week to attend to the funeral arrangements and meeting with the foster mother and the birth mother to grieve. I know that the prayers and thoughts of all of families will be with this family and their sweet little angel that is now in Heaven. (Again, I can't be cynical about the death of an infant. It's devastating to hear, even more devastating when one considers the situation, and of course I'm sure everyone reading that got a little bit of the "That could have been MY child" feeling.) (But I do question why Joanne felt she needed to add that this case happened "super fast" and "in record time." Does that make it better? Or what about blaming the "two more days" scenario on the Embassy? That part of it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, because it seems like Joanne is absolving herself and blaming the Embassy for the death. Nothing to do with medical care, nothing to do with the foster parent, nothing to do even with G-d's will, let's just blame the Embassy for taking two more days.) (And I wonder what happened to the family. Since they were out of PGN and presumably already had pink, they were the legal parents and the adoption was complete. Did they get a new referral? Did they have to pay those fees again? Or is it just "these things happen"?)

We have returned all emails and voicemails left last week. (But you didn't get back to ME. Oh, wait, this was written on December 26 and she wasn't going to get the agreement to me until the 27th.) A few voicemail messages were cut off so if you left an important message on late Wednesday or later and have not received a response please send an email to our office. (Or should the first statement say "we have returned all emails and voicemails that we wanted to return, and the rest of the emails and voicemails must have been the few that were cut off?) Be sure to make the subject line the topic of your email.

We are hoping that the PGN will be open for business soon and start getting the cases completed quickly. We have made it abundantly clear to anyone and everyone in the PGN that we are not above paying a fee or a "gift" for some help on getting the PGN cases approved and completed. (Really? Go back and reread some of the other e-mails you sent me a few weeks ago, because it looks like you specifically said you paid someone for the bsister's case to get out of PGN.) Back in the day, we simply paid $1000 and the case was approved in a few weeks. It was a great system for us and our families and the PGN workers. (Oh, I love that statement. "We're so upset that the bribes no longer work, because that was a GREAT way for us to run our business!") This was about a year ago. Since that time, everyone in the PGN was fired including the big boss (who was our best contact and who got somewhat rich off of us!) (and maybe THAT is why they all got fired - because they were CLEARLY unethical and all of the current mess in Guatemala might have been avoided if the previous people weren't such unethical snakes). Patricia had made that contact for us (see what I mean about people involved with shady characters in unethical practices? I'm sorry that she died for this, but...) and we will be forever grateful for her determination to get our cases approved and home quickly.

The new PGN boss will not allow ANY contact with the PGN attorneys or PGN reviewers. (How many people out there have called PGN since December? People who've actually BEEN TO PGN? Met with the reviewers? With the attorneys? With Barrios himself? Maybe the new PGN boss, and remember Barrios had been in this position for 8 months at that point, was limiting the people he knew to be unethical from having contact. I've heard of PLENTY of people who've gotten through.) There is a big sign in front of the PGN that clearly states that only the Attorney of record can check on a case and that they will only give information out with the original receipt and that NO ONE can go past the receptionist and that no one can have an appointment with anyone in the PGN. ("Attorney of record = not the facilitator.) It does not matter what the situation is, who the attorney of record is or how desperate the family is to get their child home. On the few occasions that the PGN atty has met with the attorney of record, the meetings are short and in the open and only lasts a few minutes - just long enough to quickly discuss a question or an issue and then the attorney of record is escorted out of the offices and back to the receptionist area.

That all said, we do have a few inside contacts but they are not able to get the case approved. They can push the file along and they can be sure it stays at the top of the pile for the boss to give the final sign off but they can not get the PGN reviewer to approve a case. We are not giving up and will continue to get an effective inside contact (I hope that "effective" means "efficient" rather than "bribeable").

As most PGN families know, there are over 2500 cases in the PGN right now. The PGN is not working in any order and is not concerned with how long a case has been in the PGN (not entirely true, whenever we see timelines we look for the date the case was entered into PGN to know if our own case is "getting closer," because there IS an order. And AS has been pretty good about estimating the week of the OUT based on the IN date, because there's some kind of regulation about how long the case is supposed to take; that said, we all know PGN is not an "exact science" but it's not as random as Joanne would like us to believe). The PGN continues to kick a case out (called a Previo) for nonsense reasons such as needing a new medical report for the child or not liking the way a form was filled out (in 14 months with my referral, I NEVER received a medical report so it's not bizarre that PGN would need a new one, Joanne told me the reason I never got a medical report is that "the office" dealing with my case wasn't good at sending out the medical reports; and PGN not liking the way a form was filled out might mean an attorney did not sign a paper which indicates carelessness, or there was a different birthdate listed on different documents which indicates carelessness, or there were two valid and current cedulas for the same woman, or one cedula has a perfectly professional signature even though the cedula holder is completely illiterate). At this point, we are almost happy when a case comes out on a Previo as we at least know that someone is looking at the file and it is not at the bottom of the pile somewhere.

The U.S. Department of State has been working closely with the Guatemalan attorneys to establish a working model that will comply with the 2007 US Hague requirements. The DOS is very encouraged with the progress that has been made and feels that Guatemala will be compliant and that Guatemala adoptions will continue on as planned. The DOS has nothing at all to do with the PGN and the PGN does not care what the Dept of State has to say (or any Senators or friends who owns a big company in Guatemala or any local or US attorneys) BUT the DOS has made several visits to the PGN to stress the need to process the files in a timely and consistent manner. The US Embassy has had that same meeting but again, the US Embassy has no influence or control over the PGN and the PGN is very clear in letting everyone know that they do what they want. The automated emails from the US Embassy even address that they have no contact or information about the PGN cases.

(The agency) will be going back to Guatemala for a pictures etc around January 15 or so. Please have all packages here by Jan 11. We will send out a separate email advising of the dates and the packing requirements etc. (Why was I sent this e-mail? Does she expect me to send a package to Ingrid? If I were given the opportunity to send her clothes and shoes and toys, I WOULD! But I don't know if I'm allowed to, because at that point I didn't even know if she was still with the foster family. And for the record, I DID send Ingrid a package even though I knew the case was over, since the last time Joanne visited was after AS already told me the case would never be finished. I sent Ingrid a bag jammed with as much as I possibly could, presents from her aunt Elsie and from Special Friend Doug and even a picture from cousin Jenna, people she would NEVER meet.)

If you have visited or plan to visit your child during the adoption process we need to get a Visit Affidavit from you. This needs to be submitted with the final paperwork to the US Embassy when we are requesting the Pink Slip (final appointment for the family to obtain the travel visa for the child). We will send the form to everyone regardless if you travel during the case or not - just so everyone has it.

Also, the US Embassy is now asking for a new I-600 and G-28 for each file that we submit to the Embassy for the Pink Slip.Of course, this makes no sense seeing as the I-600 and G-28 were already submitted when we started the case. The JCICS (Joint Council on International Children Services) is fighting this new requirement as it is cumbersome and unnecessary. Until then, we need each family to send us a I-600 and G-28 before Jan 11. Please send them 3 copies of each in a flat envelope (do not fold them) with your family name and the child's name on the front. Fill out the first page of the I-600 and sign the second page. On the G-28, just sign at the bottom. One parent signs in the box and one parent signs above the box at the bottom. Please use Blue Ink as the Embassy has been kicking some back as they were unable to tell if the signature was original or not. This is all nonsense but we have to go along with this requirement until it is changed. You can send the forms with your packages / gifts for our next trip. The documents are only signed and not notarized etc. You can get the forms at www.uscis.gov. Let us know if you can not load them and we can fax them to you. (What I find interesting about this paragraph is that now she's told you the new requirements, so you have to do the stuff yourself. I would expect this kind of information to be sent to parents it pertains to. If there's an issue with paperwork, then the e-mail should be about paperwork and not about "what we've done during our Christmas break" or "send a package for our next visit trip." It's free to send e-mails, why doesn't she send out e-mails to the people they pertain to? I know of a family that had been home for over a month that even got this e-mail - WHY? And with Joanne, if you were to have read this paragraph and then asked a question about it she would have just said, "We sent an e-mail with that answer." Or if you did it wrong because this information was lost with all the other information in the e-mail, she would absolve herself of blame because "we sent an e-mail with that answer." That is NOT the way to run a business, and considering that her business obligation is to help clients complete the paperwork related to an adoption process, this is totally unprofessional.)

We look forward to the courts and offices getting back to work this week. Of course, there will not be any case updates for a bit until the cases start moving again. As soon as we have any information we will notify each family as we always do.

We thank you in advance for your heartfelt concern and prayers for the loss of our dear friend and valuable associate Patricia and for the family that lost their little daughter. We will continue to do all that we can (and more!) to get all the cases completed and home as quickly as they can!

OK, it was a form letter. I've gotten plenty of those in the past 16 months from Joanne, but I don't really know why I got this one. From the previous e-mail, it seemed that Joanne no longer considered me a client and was in the process of preparing a refund for me. I mean, she "personally promised." Mostly, I was just confused why I got this e-mail at all. And then I realized it was December 28 when I read this, and I had not gotten a personal e-mail with the refund agreement.

Maybe she faxed it? I'm not at work until January 2, so if she faxed it I won't see it for a few days. (My secretary would just put it aside for me, if the secretary is even working this week. There's no one I can really call so I'll just have to wait until Jan. 2.) I sent her a reply to the form letter, along with an explanation as to why I didn't sign the agreement yet. (OK, truth be told, it was also a reminder that she promised to fax the agreement.)
Of course, I am saddened to hear of Patricia and the little girl. How tragic these circumstances are and my thoughts are with their families.

I just wanted to let you know that I will not be able to see the fax you were to send yesterday, December 27, until January 2. The fax number I gave you is to my school, and the building will be closed tomorrow for New Years. I will look at it first thing Tuesday morning and will have it back to you as soon as I can.

9:23 Tuesday morning, January 2, I sent this e-mail while forwarding the previous correspondance (which included my reminder AND Joanne's "promise"):
I have not received the fax as yet. As I mentioned in my e-mail on December 28, the school was closed last week. They did receive other faxes, but nothing from you. I am now back at school and I am awaiting your fax. The number again is (xxx) xxx-xxxx. Thank you.

The NEXT DAY:

Stacey- (now I'm annoyed. Please spell my name right. Make that tiny effort. Or just don't include my name. Really, I don't mind when people misspell my name but you've been doing it ONLY when you write an e-mail that has information that's going to bother me.)

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you about things but it seems that our agency attorney is finally back to work so we had a chance to talk today about your situation. I am being overruled on my decision to send you the $ paid for the atty fee. (Um, I thought the attorney already wrote out an agreement? But it had too much legalese for your comfort so you were having him rework it? Why is he changing his mind now? This paragraph seems to say that he never agreed to a refund for me and the aforementioned agreement was never written.)

As it was pointed out to me by members of our board, our accountant and most importantly our agency attorney- the (agency) Business Agreement calls for a replacement child to the family. No provisions are made for a refund of fees. The board, accountant and atty are especially adamant about this seeing as you chose to continue to wait and did not accept another referral when the case was stalled for so long. Their feelings are that (the agency) spent well over and above the normal fees to keep this case on hold while you waited for an opportunity to start the adoption of Ingrid. (Even now, I get a SICK feeling reading that. I DID NOT CHOSE TO CONTINUE TO WAIT! I am sorry, I apologize a million times for NOT choosing to continue to wait. I'm sorry that I DID give up on Ingrid. But the TRUTH REMAINS that on April 24, when you first suggested the possibility of a new referral, I called immediately to discuss that and you talked me into waiting. And then in July I ASKED FOR a new referral and you did not give me one. And every time since then, when you said that I chose to wait I reminded you that I DID NOT CHOSE TO WAIT. DO NOT BLAME ME FOR THIS, BECAUSE I CHOSE TO GIVE UP on a child I believed in my heart was my daughter. I wish I could say I was strong enough to choose to wait, but I DID NOT CHOOSE TO WAIT.)]

At this time, we can offer you a replacement referral but you will need to have a current INS I-171h in place to do that. I assume that you have kept your INS clearance current. I remember there being an issue with the group that did your homestudy and their reluctance to approve you for an adoption again. (Remember the issue with my homestudy? It was because Joanne told them I was too fat to adopt. And the "reluctance to approve me" was NONEXISTANT, as I was actually approved to adopt TWO children. Yup, TWO. Because the intent was to allow me to start an adoption process with a different agency, and then on the off chance that Ingrid would ever become available I could adopt her ALSO. As a SECOND child. And then there was the very distant hope that the family adopting the bsister already got a new referral and then I'd be able to adopt both Ingrid and her bsister, but we all knew that was SOOOO not likely.)

I am sorry that I do not have better news for you. Please let me know the status of your INS clearance and what your plans are.

My response:
I did NOT choose to wait. I asked for another referral in July. You consistently told me (the bsister) would be approved any day, so why would I want another referral. It doesn't matter much at this point, as Ingrid cannot be adopted.

I do have another homestudy, by the same agency, approving me to adopt two children. That was done when I was told in October that (the bsister) was sent back to Minors. I was going to accept referral while I continued to "wait" for Ingrid, even though I already knew I could not adopt Ingrid.

I have not redone my I-171H, but it hasn't expired yet anyway. I can arrange to have my fingerprints (not expired yet) redone, so that the I-171H continues to remain current.

Please give me another referral, if that is my only option at this time. Thank you.
(Yeah, it's the same as the rant above, but it beared repeating. My rant a year later is THE SAME, the emotions are the same, but the words I used back then to Joanne are not the words I'd have liked because I wanted to seem less hostile. And I'm from NYC, believe me these are still not the words I'd like to use but I don't want to seem hostile.)

Two days later, no response from Joanne. I'm wondering if she hasn't responded because she thought I wouldn't want a new referral, so now she has some explaining to do? If I want a new referral, she just said that her own Business Agreement says she has to give me one. Maybe she doesn't want to give me a new referral, and she's trying to find a way out of that? Or maybe she thought my homestudy would come back not approving me to adopt, and that was her way of getting rid of me, so now she needs to find another way to get rid of me since I appear to have a valid and current homestudy? Or maybe she thought so much time has passed since my fingerprint clearance that I don't have current paperwork to start a new process, but now she sees that it's not "enough" time that's passed so I DO have current paperwork? I'm thinking she spent those two days panicking about how to NOT give me the new referral she's now saying I'm entitled to.

On January 5, I wanted to prove to her that my paperwork was current and everything else I was saying was also truthful. (Remember, I'm a RESEARCHER. I have documentation for every claim I make.)
I have not heard from you since I responded that my clearance is current. Since my only option from (the agency) at this point seems to be another referral, I would like another referral. I am attaching a scan of my I-171H. Please respond so I know you have received this. Thank you.
Doesn't get any clearer than this. Here is my current paperwork. You say the only thing you can do for me is give me another referral, so I specifically ask you to give me another referral. Clear enough?

We have it. I have been fighting with everyone to get you a refund. You most certainly do not want another referrral from that same office. But I DO WANT another referral. Because I want to adopt a child. That is why I contacted you. PLEASE HELP ME. The office is willing to credit (the agency) back a small amount (what changed? I thought they would not do that?) but we have to wait for the one and only last case with them to come out (huh? I thought you don't have any more cases with them?). I would personally really like to not have to start another case with that office. Actually they have been fine enough through all of this but since we only have one last case with them I would prefer to part ways sooner rather than later (Who is the one last case? I can name three people with Joanne's agency, same attorney listed on my POA, who also met Thanassis during their pick-up trips AFTER this letter. I'm confused about how you can have only "one last case" when I know of several other "last cases" with them.
I do not to hold you up and goodness knows that everyone has been through enough with the waiting and almost and then nothing. But a new referral would be SOMETHING, right? Give me a new referral. That's what I asked for, because that's what you said is ALL you can do for me. Please!

I think that I can sway the team into some refund action if I get the office to agree to $4000 credit when the final case is done. But two days ago you told me that everyone else at the agency, attorneys and board of directors and whoever, will not let you give me ANY refund? What's going on? How can you now sway them for $4000 when two days ago you couldn't do anything, no way no how? It has been in PGN for a bit of time so it could /should be soon (??). But you said PGN doesn't work on a timeline? What if we cut you a check for $4000 now and then when we get the credit back we cut another $4000. It could be one week, one month or three months. Oh please not three months! I'm too confused. Last month you were going to cut me a check for $8000, then you couldn't do that AT ALL so you're giving me a new referral, and now I'm supposed to accept this open-ended deal? I need some legal advice before I accept such a deal from you, because there are too many questions I have about this for my own comfort. Especially as seeing that this whole situation happened because of the bsister's case that was in PGN for a bit of time and would be out soon (what I heard for the better part of a year) and now is NEVER getting out.

I am really trying to get you a refund so you are free to go wherever you want for an adoption. If you want a referral we can do that too. I just was trying to give YOU some control in this whole thing.
What do you think> I think you should do the job I paid you to do. I think you should follow the contract you signed. The contract says I get a FULL refund if the process hasn't started yet, and I know that my POA was never signed so according to the contract I'm entitled to a FULL refund and I'm willing to accept 2/3 of the money I paid you. The contract also says that I can get a new referral and all fees paid may be transferred to that other case, so I'm willing to have that also. I don't really care how much money your business spent on this case, because that is your business. I did not choose to support your business, nor did I pay a fee to your business. I paid money for an international adoption process that NEVER legally started.

PS...................................the fast easy emails and calls are quick and we get to them right away. All day yesterday and today I was trying to break free to call or email you to toss out this split payment idea. Obviously I am the only one that can do this email and this deal and I am now painfully aware of how much more control our accountant, atty and board have over the business. Update March 2008 - Her accountant at this time, according to her 990 non-profit tax form, was her husband.

Think about it and let me know. We are ready to get you moving on your adoption plans. Too bad you weren't ready when I hired you, 16 months ago.

I'm not calling her, as I want everything in writing from now on. I need an attorney, that is obvious. She gets to consult her attorney, so I should be allowed to do the same. Or at least I need time to collect my thoughts, because there are just too many questions raised by this. Is this even a valid offer? If I accept this deal, what will happen if she doesn't follow through? Will the attorney even let this happen? And if it all does go well with the initial $4000, what if the other case gets stuck forever like the bsister case? (Let's just assume the last case is the foster sister, who Joanne knows that I'm in contact with the family because SHE put us in contact with one another. If that were to happen, I'd be upset that my friend is dealing with never bringing her child home AND I'd never get my remaining money.) (The fsister did come home.)
I will get back to you on Monday about this.

(There's a little more. It's good. I defend myself. Even though I didn't get a refund or referral or even a RESPONSE, I'm still proud of myself for how I responded. But the response will be posted on another date. I've got a dissertation to FINISH...)

Not open to interpretation

2007-12-20T06:37:00.000-05:00

On December 12, 2006, I was told that I would receive an agreement to sign the very next day, and that I would get my refund and dossier by the beginning of the next week. Keep that in mind.

By Friday, December 15 (three days later), I still hadn't received any agreement from Joanne. Since Joanne said I needed to sign this agreement before she gave me my refund, I wanted to be sure to sign it ASAP. Her own words were that she would get the agreement to me that next day, and it's already two days beyond that.

I sent her an e-mail:
I sent my fax number on Tuesday but I have not received either a fax or e-mail as you indicated I would. That is fine if it's taking longer than expected but please let me know you have gotten the fax number. In case you haven't, it is (XXX) xxx-xxxx.

Five minutes later, I got this response:
I was just getting ready to email you. The atty sent over this horrid agreement that is soooo legalese and terrible. I called to have him clean it up (give me a break there are at least 13 "whereas" comments) as I can not even understand it. He is out of town until the 24th so I have to wait until then. I PROMISE you that I am PERSONALLY sending you the funds. The board was crazed, our atty is livid and my accountant about passed out. That all said, I am sending you the money but it looks like the agrement will not be done until after Christmas but I will handle it myself as soon as we are back in the ofice on the 27th

Honestly, it was five minutes later. E-mails are stamped with the time, so it's not an exaggeration or my shady memory of events. I find it ironic that three days had passed, yet she was "just getting ready" to e-mail me at the exact time I e-mailed her.

I guess they never had this kind of issue before, that they never had an agreement like this before to sign? If Joanne can't understand it, then she is not approving the agreement. I'm fine with that, I'll wait for the agreement even though you said I'd have it a few days ago. But I'm curious why it's taking so long like this? And I'm also curious about an attorney that will be out of town until Christmas Eve. He's off the week before, but will work on Christmas? Huh?

And in Joanne's words, she is PROMISING me that she will PERSONALLY send me the refund. Everyone else is incensed about the situation (not my problem how your company operates, BTW), but she is PROMISING me. It's all there, not open to interpretation. "I PROMISE you that I am PERSONALLY sending you the funds."

But I have to wait until December 27. 2006, for the agreement...

So then what'd ya do?

2007-12-19T20:21:00.000-05:00

I immediately typed out a response to Joanne, but I didn't send it. I saved it. It's raw.

Then I posted on my blog.

Then I typed another response to Joanne. Still didn't send it. Still too raw.

Then I had to run errands. I had to drive all over my county to find a copy of Beauty and the Beast to show for the French club, it had all been arranged previously so I couldn't just go home and cry. I knew for two months that this day would eventually come, but I really thought that at least I'd get the option of a new referral. Finally, the option that I've been asking about for MONTHS but Joanne refused to hear or listen. I called some friends while I ran the errands and cried to them, but in honesty I had been preparing for that day for months.

I didn't send Joanne a response that night. I needed to process what happened. Figure out how to word things, because any way I could think of was not the words I'd like to use professionally. And this is business, so I wanted to be professional. You can imagine the words I'd like to use, many of them have four letters and I probably would have used various forms of a word starting with f. (BTW, the responses I wrote but did not send weren't full of curses. They just weren't the tone I'd like to use.) I did not rush to answer Joanne, since this news was TWO MONTHS forthcoming. If she could wait five days to tell me DNA authorization was a lie, and she could wait one week to tell me what happened when the bmother was interviewed by the "reviewer" at PGN, and she could wait two months to tell me this case would never be approved, I surely had the right to sleep on my response to this devastating news. (PAPs are always complaining about the "lack of communication" from the agency. Talk about turning the tables.)

The next morning at 9:01 AM (11 working minutes after she sent me that e-mail), she sent this follow-up:
We have sent you three separate emails and you have not responded to any of them. That is fine if you do not want to respond but please let us know if you are getting them. Thank you.

I sent my response:
It seems you do not feel you will be able to find a child for me to adopt. Therefore, I will accept your offer to refund me $8,000 of the money I paid. Thank you.Stacy
I also included the part of her e-mail where she gave me the refund option.

Joanne responded:
I am so sorry for this. There is a girl but she is with the same original office and I doubt that you want to work with them...we sure do not but we would for you. What are your plans? Can we refer you to another agency or ???? We will work on getting your dossier back even if it is expired so you have the documents....do not want those floating around Guatemala any longer. Have you talked with (the fmother)? What can we do to ease this terrible situation?
Notice the change in tone. This second e-mail was sent twelve minutes after her previous one. Strange, huh? Seems like a different person wrote it. The first e-mail seemed accusatory, this one seems so compassionate. Which part of this e-mail do you like best?

The part where she says she sure doesn't want to work with this same office but she would for me? Cause since then, I've heard she continues to work with this same office. If she would only be willing to work with them for me, why is she working for them without me?
The part where she wants to refer me to another agency? 'Cause I trust her after what she did with my homestudy update. Like I don't know enough people in the Guat adoption world who can refer me to another agency. (Remember, I already HAVE another agency!)
The part where she'll get my dossier back? 'Cause I still don't have it back and it's over a year later. (Wait for another few updates to the blog and you'll have a better idea of where my dossier really is.)
The part where she asks if I've spoken with the fmother? 'Cause she knew for months that the fmother wouldn't answer my phone calls because she was afraid of Thanassis. And she knew that the fmother changed her phone number, because Joanne tried calling herself. And a few months later, she actually told another family that I was calling the fmother too much, yet here's another instance where she's telling me to call the fmother!
The part where she asks what she can do to ease this terrible situation? (I think that's my favorite part. It's so full of response that I can't even put it into words.)

I responded politely: Please refund the money, and if possible retrieve my expired documents. Thank you.

She responded in tone #2: I will get this handled by Friday. We will have the dossier sent from GC by Friday as well. I will personally handle this.
What are your plans going forward ?

I have several options I have been working on for the past few months.
Thank you in advance for retrieving everything for me. I will expect it early next week?

I said that we would have the funds sent to you by the end of the week and that we would get the office to send the dossier back. So you will have them next week. As a reminder, these funds are coming directly from our account. I need to email or fax you an agreement to sign to settle the issue so you can not come back later - sorry that is from our atty. I will have them send that out by tomorrow.

My fax number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. Thank you again.

That was the last e-mail for the day. Time of Joanne's last e-mail: 9:38 AM. A total of 37 minutes had passed. And then I went to teach, and my last e-mail was sent at 11:28, the beginning of my next prep period.

The ONLY things that have been changed from the e-mails were taking out the name of the fmother and taking out my fax number. Oh, and I took out Joanne's signature which includes her agency name and website, and phone number. (Why repeat them?)

As per this e-mail exchange:

Was I rude in any way?
Was I demanding?
Did Joanne imply the only way I could have a new referral was to go through Big T, and that she does not want to work with him anymore but would do me a favor by working with him?
Did Joanne say I'd have my refund and my dossier by the following week? (Isn't that a year ago NOW? And I'm still waiting.)
Did Joanne say that I will have to sign an agreement from the attorney so that I can't come back later? And that the agreement would go out by December 13, 2006? (What's today's date?)
And then I gave her my fax number so that she could fax the agreement that very minute - because it was my intention to sign the agreement and not my intention to "come back later"?

Really. Tell me what I did that was not amenable. Considering I knew my POA had never been registered and that Joanne in fact had completely scammed me, I was totally open to her refund arrangement where I'd still be losing money. What did I do wrong here?

Here's how it happened

2007-12-11T06:54:00.000-05:00

Monday, December 4, 2006 (from Joanne)
The case for (Ingrid's bsister) is all but at a total standstill. It is in the PGN but keeps getting kicked over to the Minors side (but not in the Minors Section) for review etc. We have hired 2 outside attys to monitor this case and everyone agrees (including the previous boss to the PGN ) that the PGN is making much too much out of the two cedula issue. Also, it seems to everyone involved that the PGN has no intentions of clearing this case for approval. BUT it is not denied. Just not approved. Everyone has been waiting for much too long for this case to be approved. The other family is giving up even though we have asked her to hang on for one more week. There is a meeting with the PGN and our hired atty and the case atty this Friday. We are taking the BM with us too. (The agency) arrranged for that meeting and I am sure that we used up every favor we ever thought we had and any we might hope to have for years to come to get that meeting. Luckily the secretary to the boss has taken a bit of pity on this case and situation. So if they meeting goes "ok" then maybe there is a chance to get the other case approved. At the meeting the boss is suppose to tell the atty what the issue is. There are no other previos and no other issues so we have no idea how things will go. As a reminder - the BM second cedula clearly states that she had a cedula from another municipality and that this is a replacement. No one tried to hide it and people get replacement cedulas all the time. There must be more to it but obviously no one knows what it is, not us, not the atty, not the PGN reviewer, no Adoption Supervisiors (otherwise they would have told you) and not whoever the other family denies hiring to check on the case.

We have fought a long fight for this and I have no idea what we are going to do if this case is not approved. Well it has to be denied or it will just linger forever in the PGN or ???? Either way, we can not do the case of Ingird without an approval on the first case. Please ask your pals at AS if they think otherwise. I called them when I was in GC last week but of course, they will never return a call from a mere agency. Perhaps you will have better luck. Our team is split as to if we can do Ingrid even with the denial from PGN. The main thinking / concern is that if the PGN denied or just did not bother to approve the first case, then they will do the same thing with the second case.

We are so sorry but I wanted to give you some time to get a plan for your adoption depending on how Friday goes. Thoughts?

December 7, 2006 (from AS)
Good evening Stacy,Well, later the day sometimes means for us late the day ... but our scanner is online now, so please find the negativa from the archivo de protocolos attached to this email. Like already mentioned, your POA never ever was registered at Supreme Courts, therefore no adoption could have ever started.Se suscriben de usted cordialmente,Edwin & Manfred

The family trying to adopt the bsister was told by Joanne that if that meeting on "Friday" (Dec 8) was not successful for whatever reason, she would get a new referral as early as Dec. 10. I don't know what was told to that other family on December 8, but I know that by that date they ALREADY HAD THE REFERRAL OF A NEW BABY. (Joanne's hijinx ensued, she asked for almost the ENTIRE fee and did not apply any of the fees already paid which goes against her contract, and that baby was not adopted by this family. But my point is, the other family DID get a new referral as early as December 8, the very day of the meeting I was told about.)

Monday, December 11, 2006 (from Joanne)
Stacey- (I'm used to people spelling my name wrong. This one bugged me, though. I mean, you're basically about to tell me that I've lost my daughter and you can't even spell my name right? Nice to make me feel supported, but you haven't made me feel supported through ANY of this nightmare so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.)

It is time to decide what to do. The case of (the bsister) is still in the PGN but it is suppose to be referred to the Public Ministry (the other family told Joanne that according to someone she personally spoke with at PGN, the case was in the Penal Section and was being looked at for possible fraud) which means that absolutely nothing will happen with the case. There is no reason for this but this case has been nothing but roadblock after problem. The atty hired to process this case for us - Lic XXX XXXX had a sit down meeting with the boss of the PGN and the boss could not say one specific thing that was wrong with the case. The issue of the two cedulas was discussed and the boss said that he is concerned about fraudulent cedulas etc and that this case is being referred for more review. The thing of it is---- everyone knew that she had one cedula from one town and then a replacement from another town. It is clearly written on the replacement cedula. We sent our own hired attys to both Civil Registrys so we know that they are both legal and original. Nothing seems to go right with this case. So if that case is not going to get approved, then there is no way to do the adoption of Ingrid. We are researching other options and are open to more ideas. We have calls out to both Adoption Supervisors offices to see if they have any ideas. I am sure that if they did, they would have already told you. (I've spoken with the two big Adoption Supervisors group. One is the Edwin and Manfred, they were already working for me. The other specifically said that Joanne did not hire them for anything.)

At this point we have to consider the case of Ingrid as lost. The original office that had this case is not considering the case of (the bsister) as lost so they are not considering the case of Ingrid as lost. (Strange thing about that - they were different attorneys! Different attorney = different office, right? That was the reason that I was originally told they didn't realize there were two cedulas. But that was waaaayyyy back in March or April and Joanne didn't realize that I'm a SAVER of documents. But at any rate, the girls were being placed through different attorneys. Why should the original office have any say on if Ingrid's case is lost or not? It's been "lost" for months now! Especially since no office had ever filed a Power of Attorney to actually have a case to lose.) That said, there is no way that we can see that either case can get approved at this point.

The atty office is not giving back any money and seeing as we do not do any cases with them and have not for awhile (except for all the other ones I've heard about since, apparently), we do not have a credit to use or to use in the future with them (except Ingrid's foster sister, who with MY same attorney and had not been out of PGN yet so there's a credit to use in the future with them). That said, we can work to get you back $8000 of the total funds paid and the dossier (which of course is outdated ) and you can go to another agency to start another case. We have spent over $6,000 on this case (and I gave you $11,500, not to mention the money I spent on my homestudy and immigration and dossier and a trip to Guatemala, and OH YEAH MY HEART) and you were offered to stop the case long ago but you wanted to hang on (because you gave me no choice when I called you in April and you talked me into waiting, and then when I called you in July you chose to ignore that I actually asked for a new referral, and you ignored it every time I mentioned it since then). We have personally paid the foster care for the past six months and have paid for all of the attys that we have brought in, the PGN insiders that tired to help (you're saying you paid PGN insiders that tried to help, that's what you said, you're ADMITTING TO BRIBING PGN and expect ME to pay for that???? Or you're bribing PGN with your own money, after having accepted a huge fee from me??? I was never asked to bribe PGN, and I did not give any consent for you to bribe them on my behalf.) and anyone else with hopes of getting (the bsister) done and getting Ingrid started.

We can go back to the original office and try to get a replacement case but I would expect that you would rather have your funds back. I am not sure of what the total amount that you paid to start the case was (you don't have records of how much I paid you???? What kind of business operation are you running there? Just check your contract as of the date I signed it, back in September 2005. That clearly says how much I paid.) but we can get you $8,000 back which is most likely less than what you paid. This is a very unusual offer as other agencies (I can name at least 8 off the top of my head without thinking too hard) would not offer you $1 back let alone $8,000. (That's why I didn't hire the other agencies. I hired YOU. Frankly, I don't care what other agencies would or would not do right now. A lot of of other clients wouldn't have put up with your shit as long as I did. I can name at least 20 off the top of my head without thinking too hard!)

We are devastated for Ingrid. I will talk to (the foster mother) personally to see what we are going to do. Perhaps we can process an Abandonment and then do the case that way in a year or so. Our heads are still spinning so I have to think about our options more later. Meanwhile, you need to come to terms with what you must have known was a great possibility. (Yeah, I've known it was a great possibility. I've been asking about it as a possibility since March 29, when you first told me about the two cedulas.)

We sent you a very long and very detailed message last Monday but you either did not get it or you chose to ignore it. I am going to go with you did not get it (we had a few other emails that same hour that were lost in space). (I didn't choose to ignore it. I chose not to respond. Because I've known this for two months already and I wanted YOU to tell me yourself. Just like you didn't always answer my questions, I didn't feel the need to send a terse "Thanks for the update." It was NOT an update. It was NOT very long OR very detailed. It's the message posted at the beginning of this post.)

I am so very sorry for you but more so for Ingrid.

HATE is not too strong a word.

Reasons

2007-12-08T12:21:00.000-05:00

I rack my brain trying to figure out a reason all of this happened. To me. Why ME? No, not me, why US? To me, to Doug, and to Ingrid.

But most of all, to me.

Sorry to sound so selfish, but that's just how I'm feeling. Ingrid is WITH her family, she is with her biological family (because I choose to believe Big T on that, and because I haven't seen her face in any of the orphanage pictures I've scoured). Doug, well, I don't know how upset he still is over losing Ingrid. He talks about it, but he's afraid to talk too much because he doesn't want to bring up anything that's going to set me off. I see him looking at other kids, I know he knows what I'm thinking. It really has been a constant this year, everything we do is with the knowledge that a child is not here. Not that Ingrid isn't here, but that any child isn't here. MY child. Our child.

I know all things happen for a reason, but I don't yet know what that reason is. I get the whole "G-d's perfect timing," but I don't understand why I have to do this stupid dissertation. I'm resentful of it now, actually. When I started this program almost five years ago, I did it because I wanted to learn to do research. I wanted to challenge myself. I wanted to find out how to figure out a problem and then do a study to prove things. I wanted to make a name for myself in the field of educational research. And I still want those things for myself. When I'm in "the zone" of working on the study, I get very excited, genuinely excited down to my core that I'm doing what I really want to do. But most of the time, I'm just sad that I have to finish the dissertation and won't consider the mom thing until the dissertation is over. (Dissertation, not the defense. Defense is April, graduation is May, that's all too late to start on "my plan." Dissertation is actually DUE on February 1 to meet those other dates, so February 2 is the day I want to activate "my plan.")

I often think about the people I started this journey with. Those that came along with me for moral support. Those I hugged in Guatemala when I was with Ingrid, and those that were with me in Guatemala as I started to piece together the nightmare was really becoming. I watch with envy and joy as they brought their children home, as they celebrated their first holidays as a family, and in many cases as they started (and finished) another adoption process. But I've also watched virtual friends get stuck in nightmares of their own, agencies that don't tell the complete story, facilitators that make up excuses, and worst of all governments that change the rules mid-stream.

I was reading through Cheri's blog, the archives section. I remember distinctly the entry I was looking at, the first time I saw it. My stat counter was WAAAY up one day (I was checking it weekly then, now it's maybe once a month if I think about it), and I got tons of hits from Cheri's blog. I checked it out, and saw how my story scared her because of her own cedula problem. I am so grateful that her problem was not like mine. I will forever be sorry that I caused her even a second of worry, thinking that because my cedula turned out to be fraudulent (although I hadn't revealed all of that publicly yet, I was still hoping Joanne would pull through for me, stupid me) that, well, you know what we all thought.

But if it weren't for MY cedula, I wouldn't have known about Cheri's story.

If it weren't for that darned dissertation, I might not get those supportive comments from Michelle.

If it weren't for that Horrible No Good agency, I wouldn't have met some great friends.

If it weren't for the entire DNA debocle, I definitely wouldn't have "met" Jill.

I have a choice to make. I can sit here and remember what happened two years ago, and what happened one year ago, and what is NOT happening now. I can wallow in that misery. I can let it consume me some more. OR I can finish my dissertation this weekend. I can clean my house and prepare for "my plan." I can get working on the fundraiser I have planned, because I'm going to have LOTS of free time after the dissertation is finished :-). I can balance my checkbook, cook a real meal, sort my papers, pack up the Ingrid box once and for all, and move on with my life.

Perceived changes

2007-11-30T20:41:00.000-05:00

That's the topic for my next essay in the internship program. Perceived changes in our identity since we started the internship. This one goes beyond how I used to have friends and I used to eat lunch in the faculty room and people didn't use to stop talking when I came around. This one is about how I view myself differently since beginning the internship.

Some ideas I'm floating around:

People are intimidated by me. I notice that the people who ask me for advice are willing to accept their own weaknesses. They come to me and explicitly ask for help because they can't do it on their own. When I go to other people for help (those people who do not explicitly ask me), they often act like I'm supposed to know everything. I've even gotten that comment from people, "I thought you knew everything." My response is always, I know NOTHING. I'm still learning everything." I think people are afraid that if they admit weakness, others will think they are stupid. I feel quite the opposite. I feel like those who are strong enough to admit they need help are the ones who are actually much more competent. (Then again, I've also been accused of being "too reflective," but I believe that reflecting upon one's professional practice makes one a better teacher.)
There are serious climate issues going on in my school, and I don't mean the fact that my heater is blowing cold air into my classroom in late November. I've said it before, teachers are very antagonistic. I think it's true of teachers everywhere, to an extent, but in 17 years I've never seen people go at it so much. Lots of people (not just me) are being accused of "spying," there's talk of "the sorority" who get whatever they want from the administration, and there's an overall feeling of "divide and conquer." It makes me very uneasy. I don't know if I'm seeing it differently because I'm no longer just a teacher (but remember that I'm NOT an administrator), but I don't like what I see or hear. It worries me. I wonder how long it will be before students catch on. (I finally found a school climate survey that I can use to find out if my hunches are truly what's going on. My principal will let me administer the survey. I'm hoping to do this in January when we have shortened teaching days for state exams.)
Some teachers think I'm a spy. Some teachers think I'm in "the sorority" (which I am definitely NOT in, by the way). Some teachers think I'm still the "pet" of central office staff (but the administrator whose "pet" I was retired 2 years ago and I definitely represent the old administration). Some teachers think I would be a better representative to our teacher union than our current representatives. How's THAT for dichotomy? Today was our union representative election, eight candidates running for six slots. Four people asked me yesterday why I'm NOT running. (I ran three years ago, everyone knew I was very anti-union and not supportive of what they were doing, and I got the most votes in the school. Almost every single teacher who voted in that election voted for me. Hmmfph. I was a union representative for a year and the other reps made me cry every. single. week. because I was trying to promote school safety and school responsibilty and they were just looking to make sure teachers were working not one single second more than they were required to.)
I love the research end. I love seeing a problem, noticing that things aren't right in a situation, finding some research theory that may explain what's going on, and then figuring out a way to test if that's really what's happening. I'm loving that! Regular teachers don't do that kind of thing. Instructional leaders do that. Professional researchers do that. Wow. (Work Jackie was helping me recode my dissertation data, basically showing that what I view as differentiation she also views as differentiation using my definition. She said that my whole face changed when we were discussing my research, when I was explaining what to do, when things worked out the way they were supposed to. She said it was obvious how much I love this stuff. And the best part - 100% reliability!!! 80% the same answers is considered acceptable, but we had 100% Woo hoo.)
I have outgrown this school. I've outgrown this position. If I felt I could stay here and continue to grow as a professional, to influence future initiatives in our school, to make a difference to more students, I would. I don't feel that way. I feel like this is going to be the end of my tenure here. I need to move to a leadership position, not only because I have the education and knowledge, but because it will be healthier for me to know I am putting my skills to good use.

For the longest time

2007-11-29T16:51:00.000-05:00

Today, December 3, is three years since I started my adoption process. THREE YEARS. Oh my goodness, that's a long time. Well, it's not really that long, it's only that long because I never actually STARTED an adoption process. Three years ago I went to an information meeting by a local international adoption agency. The meeting was held about 7 minutes from my house, in the same hotel where I met Doug (at the Speed Dating thing). I figured that place had some kind of good luck.

And after that meeting, I decided that maybe Russia was a more stable option than Moldova, since I couldn't really find out about Moldovan adoptions online (see, I did some research on this and didn't just switch overnight from foster-adopt to IA). And then I found the hosting program, by coincidence there was an information meeting about 15 minutes away from my university that would start 30 minutes after I got out of a seminar. That's got to be a good sign, timing was perfect, right? And just to be sure that was the RIGHT hosting program for me, I did go to an information meeting with another hosting program. When I think about it, I DID more research than I give myself credit for. (Problem is, there is no easy way for people considering adoption to know exactly where the trustworthy information is. And I credit that lack of transparency to the laws that make it so easy for an agency to sue clients for liabel yet make it so hard for clients to sue an agency for UNETHICAL PRACTICES, CHILD TRAFFICKING, and THEFT.)

I decided that YES, I could handle being a parent, but I would be better adopting a young girl who spoke a language I speak. I AM trilingual, after all, so why not adopt from a country where I speak the language? That led me to Haiti, Colombia, Guatemala, and back to foster-adoption.

Foster-adoption was ruled out immediately. The reason I went international was because of the issues in foster care, and it turns out I was matched with a child with similar issues AND the language barrier. Taking away the language barrier leaves the issues that led me outside of the country in the first place. That left Haiti, Colombia, and Guatemala.

Haiti - All of the agencies I found 2.5 years ago were Christian-based agencies that required their clients to have a letter of recommendation from their pastor. That leaves Colombia and Guatemala.

Colombia - Single women must adopt a child age 7 or older. OK, maybe that would work for me, but I'm still a little concerned about that age. I think it would be OK, but let's see what Guatemala has. I only know about infants from Guatemala, like my friend Vicki adopted.

I know what I'll do. I'll join a Yahoo group. They were so helpful to me when I did the National Boards process, and I did find out about some Russian adoption things from a yahoo group, maybe someone knows something about Guatemalan toddlers and preschoolers? My first post asked if anyone knew about children in Guatemala, "I'm thinking about a girl around 4 years old." Next time I checked my e-mail, there was a message saying that this woman's agency (she's a client) had just that morning posted TWO four year old girls on their photolisting. I looked and the first one was Ingrid. SOOOO cute. I remember thinking that she had the cutest smile and chubby little cheeks and a certain something in her eyes, and the other girl seemed to be more fair-skinned and the other girl would probably be matched first because she was so much lighter. I remember looking at that picture and thinking that Ingrid would be the child referred to me, only because her skin was darker and another family probably already requested the fair-skinned girl. No other reason that that. That was my thought process. And then I looked at her picture again and started to think about how cute she is, how GREAT she is and that she's just so much cuter than the other girl that maybe another family would request her before I got all of my paperwork finished so I probably wouldn't be matched with her. (Please don't flame me for suggesting parents only want fair-skinned children. I'm only pointing out my thought process, the thoughts in my head that let me know before I could even realize it that Ingrid WAS my daughter.)

I wrote to three agencies that day to get more information. Two of the agencies I found on rainbowkids.com; this one I got through a recommendation. I contacted all the agencies, spoke with representatives from each. I read the websites, tried to find out things about them (although I never specifically asked the yahoo group for feedback like, "I'm considering agency X, agency Y, and agency Z to adopt a girl around age 4"). I actually DID check the Better Business Bureau on one agency (not Joanne), no idea why I checked on that agency but it came up blank anyway. I ultimately decided to go with Joanne because she seemed so warm and friendly and helpful and supportive. AND she had experience with preschool adoptions, AND she would be there when I visited, AND maybe I could even have contact with the foster family. I did NOT pick Ingrid from a photolisting, I did not choose my agency because I found Ingrid's picture there. It was coincidence that I found Ingrid's picture by being directed to this agency. I was offered two referrals BEFORE I was offered Ingrid. (I just like to clarify that point, knowing all the negativity around photolistings. The photolisting was the suggestion from a "kind-hearted" stranger, but I actually picked the agency for reasons having nothing to do with the photolisting.) (And if she DID come home, it would be a mushy little story that the very first child I saw when I started to look for Guatemalan adoptions turned out to be my daughter.)

We know the rest of the story. I'm on a hiatus, I don't want to rehash the crime committed against me. I can say, though that the other two agencies I contacted also have bad reputations. I now have a better idea how to find out about agencies. I now know HOW to ask for feedback, not just "Tell me about your agency." I now realize that just because an agency is licensed does NOT mean they are professional. I realize that just because someone works in a field that represents compassion (finding homes for orphans), it doesn't mean that's a compassionate person. I now understand that just because someone is banned doesn't mean they don't work, and I understand that just because my government issues a statement doesn't mean the government will follow that statement. I've learned a lot.

Three years. Moldova, to Russia, to Guatemala, to I don't know. Agency 1 to Hosting 1 to Hosting 2 to Agency 2 to I don't know.

Here's what I do know. I'm pretty hard on myself. I DO hold myself responsible for not knowing how to check out these agencies and experiences before hand. I often say that I wish I were strong enough to be "offered" a child through unethical means and STILL say no, but I don't know for certainty that I'm that strong. And I realized, I HAVE proven that I AM THAT STRONG!

I did not EVER agree to work with Thanassis.
When Joanne promised me a new referral but it had to be through Thanassis, I did NOT accept. She offered, several times, and I said again and again that the only way I'd take a new referral is with a different facilitator. But she insisted it be the same facilitator, and I SAID NO.
I did not take the baby from Paraguay, my cousin's nanny's cousin. Paraguay doesn't have an IA program, and I would have had to lie and sneak to get the visa and bring the child here. Yes, it could have been done. It might have taken a few weeks, but it could have been done. But I SAID NO.
I did not go down to meet with Thanassis in March when someone else was going down. I wanted to rip his head off, not get a new referral. If I went down there, he might have talked me into working with him. I DID NOT go. He is NOT a good man. I SAID NO.
I did not call Big T back this summer, either. Another family, also with Joanne and Big T, was on her pickup trip. She called me WITH Big T in the room and said he wanted to help me and I should call him back. And he'd cut me a deal, so I wouldn't have to repay the money Joanne took on Ingrid's process, just the difference of what I would have owed if Ingrid's case were completed. I sent an e-mail to that family saying I will not work with Thanassis. She said Joanne was NOT involved in this one. And still, I SAID NO.

So there you have it. I say that I don't know if I'm strong enough to hold my ground, to keep my standards, but I'VE DONE IT!!!! And when things started to look bad for Ingrid's process a long time ago, my biggest concern was what would happen to HER, and I said that if she went back with her bfamily I'd be OK with that, and I WAS OKAY WITH THAT (and still am OK with that, they are her FAMILY).

It's been three years today since I jumped in. It's been almost 11 months since I'm sitting poolside, since Joanne never got back to me. I can't believe how long it's been, but I guess that year-of-anxiety and year-of-misery kinda took it's toll on my sense of timing. Three years. Three Christmases, three Chanukahs, three New Years have gone by with me saying "Maybe next year at this time..." I don't say that this year, and it feels weird. But I don't say it because I know a year isn't enough time for me. My "plans" will take more than a year now.

80 problems

2007-11-19T05:11:00.000-05:00

I just read on a listserv that last year there were 80 problem cases in Guatemala in 2006 and only 40 in 2007. That sounds like improvement to me!

But wait a second. Since Joanne told me she'd get back to me on the refund/referral issue in January 2007, would I be considered one of those 40 problems this year? Or since it was 2006 when we found out Ingrid couldn't be relinquished because the cedula was forged (October when AS told me, December when Joanne told me), would I be considered one of the 80 problems in 2006? Or since Ingrid was actually referred in 2005, would I be considered one of the problems that year?

NO, NO, and NO. Since my Power of Attorney was never filed, I would not be considered one of the problems for ANY year. And frankly, it doesn't matter which year Ingrid's sister would be considered a problem during, because when it happens to YOU it doesn't even matter if you're ONE out of ONE.

My case was not a "problem case." My case was a SCAM. The difference between the two - a problem case is never completed, but a scam is never STARTED.

And if Joanne wants to consider my case a "problem case" that she truly had no responsibility for, then she should ANSWER the complaint at the Better Business Bureau. Or she should fulfill her promise to me that I have IN WRITING that she will give me a partial refund (which I graciously accepted, even knowing her contract entitled me to a FULL refund...)

W O W ! ! ! !

2007-11-07T07:50:00.000-05:00

http://www.guatadopt.com/archives/000747.html

I hope this is for real!

Taken right from Kevin (at guatadopt, on the above-linked post):

Guatemalan papers are reporting that committees of Congress met yesterday on the adoption law. This was NOT the vote on the ammendments. But based on these reports, Guatemala will postpone implementing the Hague until April 1, 2008 in order to better coincide with the US's likely ratification date. Interestingly, one paper quotes US Consul General John Lowell as saying this is unnecessary.

In addition, one paper is reporting that the Ortega Law's effective date will be bumped back to April 1 as well. One story also mentions that one ammendment to be voted on is to permit singles to adopt.

(But I don't think we're changing our minds to include this new possibility. Unfortunately, because I do love all that Guatemala has to offer, in terms of travel and culture and everything I've spent over two years researching and collecting and incorporating into my being. Weird that this came out on the same day as my "Making Plans" post, huh?)

I wonder...

2007-10-29T08:52:00.000-05:00

I wonder if she's warm enough.
I wonder if she has enough to eat.
I wonder if she has any toys.
I wonder if she has any books.
I wonder if she has her own room.
I wonder if she even has a bed to sleep on.
I wonder if she's healthy.
I wonder how tall she is.
I wonder how much she weighs.

I wonder if she's celebrating today.
I wonder if she'll have cake.
I wonder if she'll get presents.
I wonder if she's in touch with her foster family.

I wonder if anyone else knows today is her 6th birthday.

A tribute

2007-10-16T19:10:00.000-05:00

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

If you're not the one

Daniel Bedingfield

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

You're beautiful

James Blunt

I pray you'll be my eyes
And watch her where she goes
And help her to be wise
Help me to let go
Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe
I pray she finds your light
And holds it in her heart
As darkness falls each night
Remind her where you are

A Mother's Prayer

Celine Dion

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

Here Without You

3 Doors Down

TWO FUCKING YEARS!!!!!
I'm sorry. I don't like to swear on this blog. But really, today I need it. I didn't even talk about it today with Doug. I'm doing SO MUCH better, still haven't cried at work (although I've come close), barely cry about it at all, and I'm so much more comfortable actually telling my story. But today, knowing it's TWO FUCKING YEARS, I think I deserve to use whatever language I want.

Dear UNICEF

2007-10-12T11:35:00.001-05:00

If there's no legal process for adoption in Guatemala, then why isn't Ingrid home with me?

If all you have to do is pay $25,000 and you get a baby from Guatemala, then why isn't Ingrid home with me?

If the legal system in Guatemala is so corrupt that bribes are accepted, then why isn't Ingrid home with me?

UNICEF, your rationale is convoluted.

Reflections

2007-10-06T09:42:00.000-05:00

One year ago RIGHT NOW, I had no idea it would be over. Well, not really no idea. I had that idea since April 24, when Joanne accidentally told me she had lied about Family Court. (In February, before my visit trip, she told me I was done with FC and that we were just waiting for DNA to go into PGN. On April 24, that's the day she first mentioned another referral but then immediately talked me OUT of it on the phone, saying that the other case would be out of PGN any day and then I'd have DNA and we'd just have to go into FC before PGN.) And I definitely thought it would be over when AS told me about Thanassis' involvement. And quite honestly, even on that last day of my visit trip when I couldn't get in touch with Ingrid's foster mother for two hours and I didn't get to see her at all that last day, I had a feeling things were very bad and no one was telling me. It was that "sixth sense" thing telling me things weren't right. And they were very, very wrong.

I don't really know the exact date Joanne (or Thanassis) found out about the two cedulas. I know it was in February 2006 and I know I wasn't told about it until March 29, which was five days after I was told I finally had DNA authorization after a 3-month wait. Even if it was February 28, that's OVER A MONTH that I wasn't informed of something that had a serious effect on my process. From what I understand, it was much earlier in February. Possibly, probably, before I went on the visit trip on February 19. Maybe even before the lie about FC on February 14. It doesn't really matter the exact date the other case was sent to minors (or as Joanne told me, sent for an investigation, like there's a difference). The important thing to remember is, I was completely lied to. For FOURTEEN months. This is the truth:

My Power of Attorney was never filed.
I was never entered into Family Court.
I never got DNA authorization.
The case WAS in minors investigation at least two times.
The child's name is NOT Ingrid! (Yup, believe that one!)

A year ago today, I went to work like usual. My records show that I had been corresponding all week with AS, and they were quite hopeful I could still adopt Ingrid. I had already started the homestudy update process, intending to change it to two children in case the other family didn't want to wait for Ingrid's bsister so I could adopt them both (or start another case that would actually result in me adopting a child). After work, I went to happy hour with some friends. I hung out until about 8:00. Then I went to get a present to send to Jill, who was just ready to bring Aly home. I walked around the kids' furniture section of Walmart for a while, realizing that if I were to adopt the bsister I'd need a toddler bed and probably the bunk bed thing instead of the trundle I planned for Ingrid. I looked at a few outfits, imagining dressing them alike-yet-different, in similar colors but not the same exact outfit in different sizes. Oh, and I bought some Ben & Jerry's. (Remember the days during my "adoption process" when I used to hang out with my good friends B & J? I haven't seen them since like June. Another sign the depression lifted.)

And then I came home. And I got that e-mail from AS that I posted last night. It was sent about 15 minutes after I left work, which is actually a blessing. I don't know how I could have gotten home after reading that, because I freaked out. I absolutely lost it.

Doug was working the night shift. And he didn't have a cell phone, so there was no way to even get in touch with him for another 2 hours or so. My mother still didn't know about Ingrid (we were waiting until DNA to tell her). My sister was out partying. Resa and Vicki and Dawn were sleeping. I was all. alone. and. hysterical. Not a good place to be.

I sent a post to adoption.com saying AS just told me my process ended, and it got deleted because I said AS. I was. all. alone.

There was no way I could sleep. I knew that. I sat on my sofa and cried. Went to the bathroom and cried. Laid in bed and cried. Came back to the sofa and cried. Didn't eat the ice cream because I was crying. Read some blogs and cried. Sat in Ingrid's room and cried. I just cried and cried. For HOURS. I finally fell asleep at about 4 in the morning.

And then the next day, I had to be up and ready to go at 9:30 to go to a wedding. I carpooled with someone who had NO IDEA what this baby-need was all about, and it was just us in the car. For almost two hours. Nothing to say, nothing to do, just be miserable inside myself because I couldn't cry to her. The hotel we stayed at, for some reason had Santa Claus walking around (yeah, on October 7). I cried realizing that Ingrid wouldn't have Santa with me, that I may never have the joy of watching my child visit Santa. My friend couldn't take the tears and actually YELLED at me.

I got so rip-roaring drunk at the wedding. Because, really, who cared? I just lost my daughter, and I can't even tell anyone! I can't talk about it, no one would understand. No one would care.

Even now, a year later, I'm crying ugly tears just remembering it. How horrible it all was. Being all alone like that, no one knowing, no one caring, all alone.

I don't cry about it every day anymore. I can finally say that the pain is starting to subside. Starting, not over. I'll NEVER be over this. When I do eventually bring home another child, it will NOT be a replacement for Ingrid. I know from friends who lost a referral that the child they have at home is definitely the child that was always meant to be theirs, but I also know from friends who fell in love with their lost referral that they never forget.

I'll never forget. I won't forget Ingrid. I won't forget what Joanne did to me. I won't forget what Thanassis did to the bfamily. I won't forget the fear in the foster mother's face when she talked about the man who turned out to be Thanassis, and I won't forget the fear in her voice when she said the "abogado" would be mad to find out I called (she called Thanassis the attorney, which he is NOT).

Maybe I was all alone because I didn't spill this horrible news until two months later, until the raw emotion was gone and just the pain and depression were left. But I had to do that, because of Joanne. I am 100% certain that if I said AS told me the adoption would never happen, then Joanne would have denied what AS said and called me (and them) all kinds of names, and then she would have strung me along until this very day. I don't doubt that AT ALL. She's done it before, she would have definitely used that as an opportunity to get back at me for whatever she thought I had done.

A year ago today, my dream died. I lost my daughter.

October 6, 2006

2007-10-05T21:43:00.001-05:00

This is the e-mail I received one year ago. I didn't post it, because I wanted to find out how Joanne would treat the situation. She either didn't know about it, or didn't care to tell me and preferred to string me along. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she didn't know about it. However, I said that same thing about the DNA lie and then I found out she KNEW there were two cedulas and knew I couldn't have gotten DNA authorization when she told me I did. No way for me to be sure if she knew about the contents of this e-mail or not, but I know for a fact she lied and covered up the truth about my "process." (Hard to have a POA registered in Guatemala when you also have it in your hand in South Carolina.)

Date: Fri, 06 Oct 2006 16:41:43 -0600
From: "SERJUIN" (adoption supervisors)
To: "Stacy B"
Subject: Servicios Juridicos Integrados

Good afternoon Stacy,
There has been a further developpment on (Ingrid's bsister)'s case, unfortunately, not a good one at all.We tried to check today if this file now would finally get released, however, there surfaced a problem in the director's office.

Somehow, they found out that the bio mother states she is perfectly illiterate, means she can't write nor read at all ... and yet, in her ID / Cedula she signed with - according to PGN - with a very professional looking signature.

Unfortunately, the director sent (bsister)'s file again back to Minors Section, too all we can tell it does not look but any good.

It is possible though that a person wouldn't be able to write and would still be able to actually sign his name, but PGN suspects much more on this here.

We are truly sorry for this news, right now we can't even estimate the time frame here, it is also possible that this file would land in penal section, that's a section inside Minors Section, and would possible get fwd. to the Ministerio Publico for an investigation under crime Law. We simple can't tell yet.

Looking at this new problem that has surfaced here, we would actually ask you to at least consider a new referral. This new investigation could go on for several month and the outcome is highly uncertain.

Best regards,
Edwin & Manfred

(By the way, if Joanne really didn't know about this, then isn't that even MORE reason to blame Thanassis? Shouldn't he have told Joanne about this?)

Horrible No Good

2007-10-04T13:18:00.000-05:00

Here are some characteristics of lousy, irresponsible, unreliable, mismanaged and sub-standard agencies (taken from http://guatemala.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/weblogs/adoption-agencies-need-to-shape-up-or-sh)

1. They make promises that sound too good to be true. For example, promising that your child will be home in record time. HNG's website still says the kids will be home in 4-6 months. I don't know of a single family from HNG that did bring home their child in that timeframe, even when that was the average timeframe.
2. They want all the money upfront and don’t send receipts. HNG wanted half. I never got a single receipt. (Then again, nothing ever happened with my paperwork, other than the check getting cashed.)
3. They don’t explain the adoption process in detail and you just have to figure it out for yourself. HNG did explain it, but almost every group email to their "clients" states that the process is a mystery. And for what it's worth, there was no process in my case.
4. They have gag clauses in the contract and don't allow adoption supervisors. HNG did not have a gag clause. They did allow adoption supervisors, but apparently they didn't like adoption supervisors. They bullied every one of their "clients" who they found out had hired AS. And another well-known adoption supervisors group actually posted on their monthly newsletter that Joanne did not hire them. Apparently, HNG's clients were e-mailing this other group saying that the director hired them to look into their adoption case, and this must have happened several times for the group to actually put this kind of statement in their own newsletter, open to everyone on the Internet.
5. They are wonderful when you first call, but once you’ve signed on it is hard to get hold of them. FWIW, I stopped calling Joanne after the cedula thing started. But we all know that it's impossible to get a hold of her. At least, it's impossible for me to get a hold of her. What does that ticker above say? Last I heard, she was going to get back to me after she spoke with her "legal counsel." That was in January. I'd say that shows how hard it is to get a hold of her. And even that e-mail came after several days of waiting and resending the same email begging her to give me some information.
6. When there are problems in the international adoption scene, such as in Guatemala right now, they “avoid” the parents. I’m hearing so much of this right now. HNG didn't avoid me. She flat out lied to me. Like when she said I was waiting for DNA authorization even though she already knew about the two cedulas, making it impossible for me to actually get DNA authorization, she told me about the problems with the embassy.
7. You don’t get monthly photographs and updates on your child. I got pictures and a DVD each time HNG visited. Not every month, but as often as she visited. I never got a medical update. I was "in process" from October 2005 - December 2006 (using Joanne's definition of "in process"), but the only medical report I ever got was dated September 13, 2005.
8. They don’t have much information on the foster mother or orphanage,,and they won’t go out of their way to provide it. I got her name and phone number. I was encouraged to call. Then, when Thanassis started to bully the foster mother I stopped calling. Joanne kept telling me to call, but I didn't feel comfortable with it. Ultimately, Joanne told another family with this same foster mother that I called so much that the foster mother had to change her phone number because of me. That is TOTALLY not true, as I have e-mails from Joanne actually TELLING me to call and me saying I will NOT call. But anyway, I did get some information about the foster mother that turned out to be conflicting.
9. They use unethical and immoral lawyers and know it. NEED I SAY ANY MORE THAN THIS??? Hello, everyone who keeps touting Thanassis (or whatever name he'd like to go by now, Steve or Teo or Theo or whatever). He may be wonderful to you, but he IS immoral and unethical and BANNED.
10. They offer a quicker process through PGN if you pay more (YES, this still goes on; I’ve had emails from people telling me about it.) I've said this time and again. I was never asked for a bribe, but I know other people that Joanne did ask for a bribe. I don't know if those families actually did pay the bribe. I have a bunch of e-mails from Joanne, mass e-mails to all her "clients," where she openly says she'd love to bribe PGN if she could figure out a way. (And I've also admitted this time and again. If I were asked to pay a bribe at the end, to get my child out of PGN, I would almost definitely do it. I'm ashamed that I feel that way, but I'm being 100% honest here.)
11. They do not have in country staff (in Guatemala) to help you when you are picking up your child. Supposedly, HNG has in country staff. The phone number I got as my in country contact was Steve, and the phone number turned out to be a fake. And the only person I met was Thanassis.
12.There is constant staff turnover at the agency. No idea. The only one I met was Thanassis.
13. They don’t turn away applications even when they don’t have the staff to handle them. One would assume that HNG doesn't have the staff to handle their current client list, since the "clients" don't get regular updates and e-mails go unanswered.
14. They continue giving referrals when it is no longer advisable to do so. HNG updated her photolisting just the other day. I could go on the Wayback machine and see the last time, but it's not worth my energy.
15. They do not sufficiently educate prospective adopting parents on the challenges they face with international adoption. "It's a risk" is not educating PAPs. "It never happens" is not warning PAPs of the potential risks associated with the process (and hello, it DOES happen because it DID happen to me.) I don't really know how their education is for post-adoption services, but I've heard HNG will not address questions about readoption, titres, or medical history.
16. Once you bring your child home, they aren’t interested in problems you are having with paperwork or with your child. See my comment to #15.
17. They don’t train their staff well. No idea. The only person I ever had any contact with was Joanne.
18. They are ignorant of the culture and politics of the country you are adopting from. OK, this is where Joanne is queen. She DOES know the culture and politics of Guatemala. How else would she laugh off a warning about working with Thanassis and respond with, "This is Guatemala. Everyone pays a bribe."
19. They are disrespectful and unpleasant to their clients. I don't think I really need to comment on this one. Read most of my blog.

Thanassis

2007-10-02T20:33:00.000-05:00

I don't like him. On what do I base this opinion? Nothing more than heresay, really.

I met him. He was quite pleasant to me. Ingrid adored him. That's my personal experience.

Why I don't like him:

He's BANNED by the Embassy! I don't know why (although I have a pretty good idea). But the truth of the matter is, he is NOT supposed to be working on adoptions for the US. If the Embassy banned Mother Theresa, I'd go along with what the embassy said. Now, you can judge me for taking someone else's opinion as my own, but that's just how I feel about it. I tend to take statements like this seriously "We advise all agencies to not accept any referrals from Mr. Kollias, as they will be rejected. Any Guatemalan attorneys or notaries found to be involved with Mr. Kollias in attempting to circumvent this proscription will likewise be subject to similar action." (Source: http://www.guatadopt.com/archives/000261.html. I've seen it on the US Embassy site, also, but this one was faster to find and I'm really not interested in proving it to you.)
The accusation by Barrios was that Ingprid's bmom's cedula was fraudulently signed. I don't know for a fact that he did it, but he was definitely involved. And I know of other cases, HIS cases, where there were similar accusations of fraudulent cedulas. Once is an aberration, twice is a pattern, three times it's his Modus Operendus.
He doesn't use his real name. I don't really remember the name he introduced himself to me with, because frankly I didn't care what his name was. He did not identify himself as an attorney or facilitator or ANYTHING, only as a translator. And I did not need a translator, I needed DNA authorization, or the truth about the cedulas, or a medical update. At any rate, the name I was given as a contact by Joanne was "Steve." I was also given "Steve's" phone number. When I called the number, no one there spoke any English (and I then confirmed in Spanish that it was the wrong number). It's all too sneaky for my comfort level. I later found out from other families that Thanassis goes by the name Steve (and then I checked my own records, sure enough the contact I had was Steve). And sure enough, when I saw a picture of Thanassis in August it was the same man I met at the Marriott. It was Thanassis, no doubt about it.
He intimidated the foster mother. Horribly so. She was so afraid of him, of whoever that translator guy was (and she didn't say his name, she did say he was from the attorney's office or maybe she even said the attorney). I mean, she was very worried she'd lose her job as a foster mother because she had spoken with me by phone. (And several months of e-mails with Joanne followed, where Joanne insisted "the office" was fine with me calling and the foster mother insisted the "abogado" was not fine with it. I called ONCE after my visit trip, only for Easter. (Not even for Ingrid's birthday!) I hesitate to even write that much, because I think he reads the Internet.
Two biological siblings, relinquished at the same time, same "facilitator," same agency. Different attorneys, different cedulas. Seems too fishy to me. I don't blame the reviewer for flagging two cedulas, and that was without even knowing about Ingrid's relinquishment. Joanne told me once that they didn't realize there were two cedulas, and why would they realize because there were two different files? Come to find out, two files AND two attorneys, separated by Thanassis. Then, Joanne told me a few days later that they DID know about the two cedulas. Which is the truth? It seems that Thanassis knew about the two cedulas and was hoping to avoid problems by placing the girls through different attorneys. I know he tried that before with another family, one placement happened after two years and the other got stuck in investigations until the aparents gave up.
Bullying, intimidation, lying, covering up. Those are things I don't believe in. Those are business moves. He's trying to sell you a child. I'm not paying him for a child, thank you.

I'm glad he's good for you. I'm glad he helped you. Really, I'm happy. The most important thing is ALWAYS making sure babies are safe and loved. But Thanassis, he's just not my cup of tea. And it's worth over $20,000 to me, to stand my ground and try to do this ethically.

Almost the end of the year

2007-09-30T08:57:00.000-05:00

One year ago yesterday was the date the case went back to minors for a second investigation. From what I understand, Barrios himself thought the signature was too "perfectly professional" to have been signed by an illiterate birth mother.

Those of you with illiterate birth mothers know what I mean by that. When Vicki was in process waiting for Lexi, we studied every document she got. (I had NO IDEA I'd be going the Guatemala route, since all we knew about Guatemala was babies and I didn't want to adopt a baby. At that point, I was still researching foster-adoption.) We saw the bmom's birth certificate and saw that she was 29. We commented that it seemed old to be relinquishing (which was funny, considering I was 34 and Vicki was 44, yet we were calling this woman "old" because of our American idea that only pregnant teenagers make an adoption plan). We studied her expression-less face in the DNA picture, observed the way she held the baby away from her body so she wouldn't feel the heartbeat. We translated all of the medical reports, every month, even the month Vicki had to call and specifically request it (can you imagine that, she got a medical report every month except one and then she DID get that one when she asked for it!). But the thing that stood out, that we still talk about to this day, is the relinquishment paper. The bmom didn't sign it, she put her thumbprint on it. Vicki talked about how sad it was, that the bmom was illiterate and couldn't sign her own name, how she wished the bmom would be getting some of the huge fees she paid the attorney (naive us, thinking the bmom didn't get any money, but maybe she really didn't). But it was the thumbprint that stood out.

I talked about how thumbprints were used to vote in Mexico. It was a matter of pride, Mexicans showed their thumbprint with the days-old traces of ink to prove that they were good citizens. I've seen that thumbprint on TV and in newspapers in the years since I saw it firsthand in Mexico.

Ingrid's bmom didn't use a thumbprint. She used a "perfectly professional" signature. It is possible that she could sign her name yet still be illiterate, but I don't think one could mistake a scribbled signature for a professional one.

September 29 is the date that the case went into the second investigation, that effectively ended my adoption process/joke. A week later, October 6, I was told by Adoption Supervisors that Ingrid couldn't be relinquished. I then waited over two months until Joanne told me that news. And then I waited for some restitution. I'm still waiting.

Two years ago

2007-09-20T04:44:00.000-05:00

This is the exact e-mail I received two years ago TODAY, after my initial discussion with my buddy Joanne. I'm taking out the real agency name, as usual. I thought it would be fun to remember two years ago and think, well, you can read my mind by now. Eh, what the heck? I'll insert some comments to add to my fun.

Dear Stacy-

Thanks for your interest in the terrific adoptions offered by Horrible No Good. Since we only work with Guatemala adoptions, we really know what we are doing. Most of our cases are completed within 4-5-6 months from the time your paperwork is in Guatemala. Bah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I haven't met one single HNG family who's come home in this time frame. Even the person who "referred" me to this agency was home in 7 months!

Each family works with a Parent Coordinator (who for every family I've met has been director Joanne) to assist you every step of the way in the process. Most families come to us at the very beginning of their process so they can be sure that their homestudy and dossier are prepared correctly. Once we have had a chance to talk, we will send you out the Horrible No Good Getting Started Kit. The Getting Started Kit has everything you need to correctly complete your dossier, including examples and all of the forms you will need (except for the police clearance letter, which will take us about two weeks to finally fax to your police station). In addition, there is a list of all of the steps of the adoption process so you can track your case step-by-step (unless your case gets stalled at step number two, but we'll lie to you so you think you've gotten some of the other steps accomplished).

(NOTE: ONLY this section was in a different format on the e-mail, so I know that the rest of it was a form letter and she plugged in this paragraph to make it look like the entire e-mail was personalized. If I were naive and new to the adoption-scam game, I would fall hook line and sinker for this bit. Now, it's a HUGE red flag.) I don't forsee a problem with you having hosted a Russian boy over the summer. As far as I know it is not a permanent commitment that you made or broke so it shouldn't be a problem. I would, of course, be happy to do any additional research that may be required about the subject.

Horrible No Good works with excellent attorneys in Guatemala ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! so your case is handled promptly and professionally a ha, ha, ha. We get updates on each case every week so you always know exactly what is going on your case exactly, apparently, is a relative term, since we may get updates but (1) not from YOUR excellent attorney, (2) we won't necessarily share the updates with you every week, and (3) the updates may be lies anyway that we choose to believe, but those are the ones that we WILL pass on to you. Our clients always comment on the terrific communication they have with their Parent Coordinator! And please trust us on this. Because if you ask on adoption.com, a bunch of parents won't agree, but those are the crazy people anyway so you should ignore them. Also ignore the 10 bad comments on http://www.adoptionagencyratings.com/ and only believe the 2 good comments from parents who still don't have their children home after two years of waiting.

Unlike many agencies, we do not have a wait for a referral of a new born baby boy or baby girl. That doesn't really mean that you'll actually GET a referral of an AVAILABLE child, though. We're just saying we don't have a wait for a referral, we're not really saying you'll get a referral. Since we work with our families through the preparation of the dossier, we know ahead of time when you will be ready for your match and we can tell the attorneys to be sure to tell us as soon as a darling baby is born for you! In some circles, they call that "baby selling." Finding out when a baby is born for you, that seems like the attorneys are going out to find babies for waiting parents rather than waiting for a baby t be in need of a family and then finding a family for that baby. (If I were new to the adoption-scam game, this statement wouldn't bother me. But knowing that waiting parents get anxious about when a baby is available, I can see what a scam that statement is. It totally implies that the "attorney" will find a willing poor pregnant woman. That's what Thanassis did to Ingrid's bmom.) Our clients really enjoy knowing that they not on a long list of families waiting for a baby and that we will be ready when they are!

Drop us a note with some more information about your plans and thoughts about your adoption. We'd rather not tell you too much more about the process because we'd prefer to hear your plans, so that way we can cater our statements to what you say. Like if you say you're Jewish, we won't say we're a faith-based agency. If you say you're a Christian, BAM, we call in the "I became interested in Guatemalan adoptions when I was working on a mission." If you say you're a National Board Certified Teacher, BAM, so is our husband (who is, coincidentally, a member of our Board of Directors.) Just let us know your thoughts and we'll be sure to address them and make them seem like we believe the same thing as you. Also, let us know when is good time to chat on the phone so we can get to "meet" you and you can learn more about Horrible No Good and how we can work with you to bring home chuckle, chuckle, snort, snort the little darling of your dreams!

Joanne's underling
Horrible No Good
office 864-XXX-XXXX
fax 864-XXX-XXXX
www. Horrible-No-Good.net obviously not the real link
Guatemala Adoption Specialist hee hee ha ha hee

PS - For our anniversary this year, I took Doug to the Police reunion concert and he got me jewelry. What should I get for Joanne this year? Hmmmm, I think an anniversary card is a minimum!

Where's the story on Thanassis???

2007-09-01T08:27:00.000-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20070831/wl_time/cleaningupinternationaladoptions

"Cleaning Up International Adoptions"
By MICA ROSENBERG/ANTIGUA Fri Aug 31, 6:05 PM ET

Earlier this month, dozens of Guatemalan police, soldiers and government officials raided Casa Quivira, a foster home in the colonial town of Antigua. They took custody of 46 babies and accused the home of failing to issue the proper paperwork for adoptions. Worse, says Carmen de Wennier, Guatemala's Secretary for Social Welfare, Casa Quivira is being investigated for illegally trafficking infants, an accusation that its owners vehemently deny: "If these children were bought in the womb," de Wennier says, "that is a crime." Stacy's Comment #1 - What does deWennier consider US domestic open adoption being? I mean, we're not specifically paying for the baby in open adoption. We're paying the bmom expenses. But she's pregnant, and money is exchanged. In GT, even if the adoption plan is established while the baby is in the womb, we are paying legal fees and hopefully bmom expenses...

News of the raid, a story that rivaled Guatemala's upcoming presidential election for headlines, was especially alarming for women like Ana Escobar, a Guatemalan, and Ann Roth, an American. Last spring, armed gunmen held up Escobar in the storage room of her Guatemala City shoe store while two female accomplices stole her 6-month-old daughter Esther. Escobar, 26, is convinced the baby was put up for illegal adoption, and she came to Antigua to see if Esther was one of the infants found at Casa Quivira. "We are not animals to be bought and sold," she says, clutching Esther's photo. Isn't this why we have DNA testing done, right at the beginning of the process? I thought the DNA test had to establish at something like 99% that the bmom is, indeed, the bmom. So how could this kidnapped baby be "bought and sold?" Unfortunately, it doesn't make much sense that this was the intended reason for the kidnapping. Meanwhile, in Chicago, Roth had been waiting with her husband David to adopt a boy and a girl from Casa Quivira - but now, after having paid half the $30,000 fee, she finds everything in a precarious state of limbo. "I feel," says Ann, 37, "like someone has kicked me in the stomach ten times." Again, with the money. Losing your child is NOT just about losing the money! It's about losing your CHILD. And in this case, losing TWO.

That feeling, which more and more Guatemalan mothers and adoptive mothers in the U.S. are experiencing these days, reflects the growing awareness that adoption in Guatemala is all too often a multi-million-dollar underworld trade. The nation's ill-regulated adoption business, run by private lawyers and notaries, is rife with corruption, including forged paperwork, payoffs to women who agree to hand over their children and, in some cases, newborns stolen from hospitals or mothers' arms, according to the government human rights ombudsman's office. One U.S. couple spent almost two years and $50,000 to adopt their Guatemalan daughter, Ella, only to find out later that her biological mother "was essentially a baby factory" who had sold many of her eight children to a dealer, says the adoptive father. "It felt almost dirty, like we were involved in a child brokering scheme." Because we all want to believe we are adopting a child who needs a family, not that a child was produced as part of a business scheme. How can we establish the view that something needs to be done so that "baby factory" is not the best choice for poor, uneducated women in Guatemala? Because it's not that they are taking the easy way out, it's that they are taking the way out that will actually let them earn a living. That's the sad thing, that these women have no other means of earning a living. How about we ADDRESS that rather than berate them for it? UNICEF, you have any ideas on that one? How about educating the children NOW so that they have more opportunities in life than making babies to "sell?"

The activity is driven largely by surging U.S. demand. With adoption in the U.S. still a bureaucratic nightmare, and with fewer babies available in distant places like China and Eastern Europe, Guatemala has become an increasingly popular adoption source for U.S couples. I haven't heard ANYONE say they went to GT instead of China or EE because there are "more" babies available there. I hear it's because of the (1) ease of travel, (2) shorter in-country time, and (3) foster care. Plus, other adoptive parents like myself speak Spanish and feel they would better be able to expose the child to his/her heritage by adopting from a Spanish-speaking country. Almost 5,000 babies were adopted last year from the nation of 13 million - the world's highest per capita adoption rate - and 95% of them went to the U.S. Since 1990, in fact, more than 25,000 Guatemalan children have been placed in American homes.

Reports and rumors of shady adoption dealings in Guatemala have surfaced for several years, but the country's authorities are now under increasing pressure from Washington as well as their own citizens to clean the adoption scene, and that could cause the adoption surge to slow. And at the same time as the "surge" in Guatemala, there was a decrease in EE. And a slow-down in China. Hello, could those issues be related? Not to mention the problems with accreditation in the Russia agencies, and the new restrictions for China! And again, I may be wrong in this supposition, but there's now the increase in Ethiopia also. And Haiti. And Liberia. And wasn't Vietnam just reopened? After hearing of cases in Guatemala in which babies were switched in the middle of adoption processes, for example, the U.S. recently announced that it would require two DNA tests on babies to ensure that a child issued an exit visa is the same one originally given up for adoption. More important, Guatemalan lawmakers earlier this year ratified the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption, which will tighten controls - by closely tracking the use of adoption fees and by creating a centralized adoption authority that can be easily regulated - in both Guatemala and the U.S when it takes effect January 1. Is ANYONE opposed to having closer tracking of adoption fees for Guatemala? It's the "central authority" that has people skeptical, as this is a third-world country with known governmental-level corruption. And isn't your story about the governmental corruption involved in the CQ raid? Wouldn't that raid be an example of what may happen with the centralized adoption authority? Isn't THAT your real story here? As stories appear in the Guatemalan media about child traffickers rushing to find children before the year's end, citizen mobs in several small towns have attacked suspected baby-snatchers, in some cases beating or burning them alive.

Florida resident Clifford Phillips, who runs Casa Quivira with his Guatemalan wife, insists they're victims of the spreading anti-adoption hysteria and persecution. Insist, like you don't believe him. THAT should be your real story. Where are all of the statements from the happy CQ parents who openly share the wonderful experience they had adopting from this agency? The doctor reports that comment on how fabulously healthy these babies are? Where's the SUPPORT for this guy? It's readily available on the Internet, and you don't even have to look too hard. "This is an injustice that needs to be stopped now," says Phillips, arguing that Guatemala is treating him as if he were "guilty until proven innocent." The adoptions of two of the Casa Quivira children, in fact, were found to be legal, and those infants have since left for the U.S. No, they were not found to be "legal." They were proven to be approved, finalized, completed. The two infants who "left for the U.S." would have been able to leave CQ anyway, since their adoption process was finalized. Please don't make it sound like these two cases were OK, but the others are questionable. These two cases were finalized, their parents had LEGAL custody in Guatemala. That's not to say that CQ didn't have legal paperwork on the other children, because a judge verified that they DID have the necessary paperwork for the other babies. It was PGN that decided to impose PINA, it was that whole central authority thing at work here. But the rest have been removed to other private facilities, and nine were hospitalized with lung problems and other sicknesses. Lung problems? As in, rotovirus? Or could it even be easier than that, because if there were armed men in the hogar giving orders, maybe the nannies didn't pick the babies UP for as long as they should. Because if there's a gun pointing at you, maybe you don't want a baby in your arms. And we all know that babies need to be held, not just because it helps them bond and trust, but because it helps their blood AND AIR flow better. And the "other sicknesses." As has been pointed out in the comments about the raid, the "officers" did not let formula in to the hogar. The babies were all drinking milk. Whole milk. And babies should NOT drink milk, because it creates intestinal problems. Even in babies who are not lactose-intolerant.
For Ann Roth, the situation is "horrific. We are praying as hard as we can for these babies." So is Ana Escobar. None of the Casa Quivira children - their names, dates of birth and arrival at the home pinned to their crib headboards - turned out to be Esther. But "I won't give up until I find my daughter," says Escobar. "There are a lot of people who adopt children without really knowing if the mother wanted to give them up or if they were stolen. Without knowing if the mother is suffering." I don't know if a bmoms suffer. But I don't know one adoptive parent who doesn't think the bmom suffered at some point with the decision. Maybe it was only the initial decision that caused suffering, maybe it was DNA, maybe it was the final signing. Or maybe the child was kidnapped (which I find the most troubling scenario). Or maybe the bmom was told the baby died at birth but was really taken for adoption (we've all seen the TV movies about those scenarios, but I believe they really happen). Unfortunately, we do not know if the mother wanted to give them up or if they were stolen. The same could be said for adoptions from the US foster system, also. I remember reading one story of a couple who lost their parental rights and were fighting it because of some traffic stop where the dad overreacted. From the foster system standpoint, I imagine there was more to it than that. But from this parent's perspective, his children were stolen by the government and sold. There was also that family, I think they were Chinese (living in the US while the dad attended university), who thought they were giving their baby to custody of the state for a few weeks until they got back on their feet. They went to reclaim their baby and were told no, they kept fighting but not the "right" way according to the state, and now their daughter (school-aged) is fighting against going with her legal parents, saying that her other family is her REAL family and should be allowed to adopt her. There's little difference, really. It's one of those "leap of faith" things adoptive parents take, we take the leap that the process was done legally, that all was done in the best interest of the child. BECAUSE MOST OF THE TIME, THAT'S THE CASE!

In review

2007-08-03T08:18:00.000-05:00

My bloglines account monitors something like 70 blogs right now. I often click on the "real" blog also, not just the bloglines, but the bloglines lets me easily see who's updated.

But every so often, bloglines does this funky thing where it refreshes a bunch of blogs that weren't really updated. So I may be reading bloglines and see that someone got a previo when in fact I know their child has been home for many months. It looks like a new post, but it's really just some automatic refresher of an old post.

Today bloglines refreshed most of Angel's old blog. I scrolled through the whole thing, backward. Zoe comes home, they get out of PGN, summer visit. They hired AS around the same time I did. They got a previo, in PGN, pre-approval.

They got DNA authorization on March 29. The same day I was told mine was a lie. And Angel apologized to me for her good news. How horrible for her, that her joy had to be tempered with an apology for my situation. I'm sorry, Angel. I'm sorry things were so bad for me that you couldn't fully enjoy your success.

I knew it was around that same time, the DNA authorization situation. At the time, it made sense. We had started around the same time, had progressed (or not) at the same rate, and finally had some answers around the same time (even if my answers were bad, at least they were finally some answers). It made my situation more believable, in my warped AND TRUSTING waiting-parent mind.

I'm so desperately searching for some kind of answer as to WHY this happened to ME. And now, seeing that there's the additional DNA test because the embassy must feel enough babies are being switched to warrant this new test (although I've only heard of two baby-switching cases, I have to believe it's a significant concern to implement this new test) I'm reminded of my bad apple. AppleS. Agency, facilitator, attorney who did the signing. And the agency has several people who work there, on the payroll (director and her husband are listed on the 990, as is director's "best" friend). And the facilitator has an assistant, since he's not allowed to actually WORK so he has someone else's name to attach. And that attorney, he's nothing more than a paid signature. He gets PAID, out of the money I THOUGHT was going towards foster care and medical exams (and vaccinations) and adoption-related paperwork.

On two cedulas

2007-08-01T10:38:00.000-05:00

After finding out that I did indeed meet Thanassis in person during my visit trip in February 2006, I've been thinking about the other issues during my nightmare that were never fully resolved. Mostly, the two cedulas.

I keep going back, in my mind, to WHY she had two cedulas. I did get that one e-mail after the first time the bmom went to explain her situation at PGN, saying that she got the second cedula from the second city because that would make her eligible for food vouchers. I don't really understand that. My understanding was, there are no such things as food vouchers in Guatemala because they don't have anything similar to our welfare system. But I don't know everything (FAR from everything!), and I definitely don't know about the government programs in Guatemala. When I have a little time (i.e., after the Dissertation), I'll look into it. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe some provinces have welfare-type programs but it's not a federal government thing. At any rate, I did accept that reasoning at the time.

Going back even further, when I first was told about the two cedula situation, I asked around on some forums what that would mean. Everyone told me that there's a good chance one was fake. It was explained to me by more than one person that a bmom may obtain a second cedula because she was married, and she knows she can't relinquish to the US if she were married because then the child won't fit the US definition of an adoptable orphan. (Reference needed, it's somewhere on the USCIS site, I'm not looking for it now so you'll have to believe me. If you don't believe me, leave a comment and I'll be sure to find it for you and link to it. Ugh, such dissertation-brain.) When I asked the agency about that possibility, I was told they didn't think it was true about this bmom. After all, the explanation read, it's common for people to have more than one cedula, so if the bmom said she only ever had one cedula that would have been a bigger red flag.

Um, wait a second. The day BEFORE that comment, AS I was being told about the existence of the two cedulas, I was told by the agency that they didn't REALIZE there were two cedulas. I mean, how could they have realized that, considering the girls were registered under different cedulas and the files were completely separated. It did make sense that the agency wouldn't have realized one woman / two cedulas if they were separated. But if it were the same facilitator and it was less than one month apart, HOW did he not realize it? That was definitely a question, although I thought it was the same lawyer as I had no idea about the facilitator existence. (I still didn't know I HAD a facilitator, I thought it was just the attorney since that's all who was ever mentioned to me!) I remember talking to Vicki about the two cedulas, not understanding if the agency DID or DID NOT know there were two cedulas. Day one, I was told they didn't know at all there were two cedulas, day two I was told they had always known there were two cedulas and that's how they knew the bmom wasn't lying. I was SO DUMB to believe the agency, that they were telling the truth and were just confused about what they said originally. STUPID STUPID me. I should have questioned more. It wouldn't have mattered, as my case was already over anyway because the cedula issues couldn't have been worked out by that point and the agency wouldn't have given me a new referral even then. But if I questioned, I wouldn't have waited three more months until I found out about the banned facilitator.

I just found this site that discussed falsified cedulas. I didn't even realize it was a possibility! But apparently, not only is it highly possible that cedulas are falsified, but it's even EASY. The following comment was posted TWENTY-THREE DAYS before I was told The Lie:
"also, it's easy to get a fraudulent cedula ... i heard this from a lawyer who told me before he accepts a BM he goes in person to check the records and make sure it's a valid cedula."

It's EASY?? Really? And there's a way to go and check that it's a valid cedula before the bmom is accepted? Before a match is made, this could have been checked? Hmmmm..........

The absolute WORST part about having this experience is knowing my story, the idea that Ingrid's bmom's documents were falsified, is just adding to the extra scrutiny that other cases have to face. If it's true that Thanassis falsified her cedula, that's even MORE reason he should rot. I hired an agency without getting enough feedback (although I still contend there weren't the same number of negative feedback available when I started compared to now), but that "licensed agency" chose to work with someone they knew had been banned for SIX MONTHS before I got my referral. If that agency didn't work with him, if NO agency worked with him, there wouldn't HAVE to be the scrutiny that other poor waiting parents are facing, there wouldn't have to be the new (alleged) DNA test, there wouldn't have to be the uncertainty in PGN.

I'm going to have to compile a list of ALL the lies. Cause I used to think The Lie was about DNA authorization. Now, I think that was just one lie to cover up much bigger lieS. That's plural.

Finding my voice

2007-07-28T17:38:00.001-05:00

The Voice Within, by Christina Aguilera

Young girl don’t cry
I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it’s alright
Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly

When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants to bother to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

Chorus:
When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

Chorus

Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you’re learning
You’ll find all you’ll ever need to know
(be strong)
You’ll break it
(hold on)
You’ll make it
Just don’t forsake it because
No one can tell you what you can’t do
No one can stop you, you know that I’m talking to you

Chorus

Young girl don’t cry I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall

Superhero

2007-07-27T22:19:00.001-05:00

What's that show? Save a cheerleader, save the world.

I was a HS cheerleader. I envisoned signing Ingrid up for Pop Warner cheerleading.

I have a new hero.
http://chew.typepad.com/jenute/

Please feel free to visit her blog. And SHARE it.

Her Guatemala story has a happy ending. Beautiful baby, home safe and sound. I "found" her right when she switched to Guatemala and followed her story. She disappeared after homecoming, as so many people do. I assumed it was because she was so happy, elated, busy taking care of her daughter. Low and behold, turns out she had gotten a referral from China. You probably have heard of her story. Her agency was NOT good to her, suffice it to say.

From the adoption-nightmare stories I know, NONE of us blame our agencies for the problems with our children (or in my case, the problem with my non-process). We understand that International Adoption takes risks, that the children will not be "perfect" and that there are unknowns when you're dealing with government and legal stuff. However, the way these adoption agencies treated their "paying clients" when problems occured, that is NOT acceptable.

BEING BULLIED IS NOT ONE OF THE RISKS YOU EXPECT WHEN YOU ADOPT INTERNATIONALLY. An agency does NOT have the right to lie to you because they are uncomfortable telling you the truth. A potential adoptive parent DOES have rights, even if the contract says you acknowledge there may be some unknowns. ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE PAYING CLIENTS, we pay the adoption agency to provide a service of facilitating an adoption, to advise us on the process and to walk us through the paperwork and to handle difficulties should they occur. AND PAYING CLIENTS HAVE RIGHTS. I would not pay a repairman to not fix my air conditioner. I would not pay a gardener to not mow my lawn. Why did I pay an adoption facilitator to NOT facilitate an adoption?

DID YOU KNOW, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE IN THE LICENSING REQUIREMENTS FOR ADOPTION AGENCIES AND ADOPTION FACILITATORS? I didn't know that when I started.

I was also impressed to get an e-mail or phone call on a Sunday. Or at 9:00 PM on a Friday night. At the start of my process, I would have been SOOOOOOO impressed at the commitment, at the near 24-hour access the agency has. I NOW SEE IT DIFFERENTLY. Anyone who is so eager to get your business on the weekend is only doing so because they want to HOOK YOU IN before you go somewhere else. NOTE TO MY FUTURE AGENCY - Please do not call me on the weekend. If you're calling me on the weekend, I don't trust you. And moreseo, I'd like to believe you're spending the weekend with YOUR FAMILY.

Did I mention we saw Styx on Thursday?

2007-07-22T20:15:00.000-05:00

Don't Let It End, by Styx

What can I do
Pictures of you still make me cry
Trying to live without your love
It's so hard to do
Some nights I'll wake up
I'll look at your pillow
Hoping that I'll see you there
But I get up each day, not much to say
I've nowhere to go
Loneliness fills me up inside
'Cause I'm missing you

(I don't remember them singing this one during the concert. I know they didn't sing "Mr. Roboto," because that's one we were listening for. Today in the car, Doug played this song. I made him turn it off before the tears started. Cause of the dream, I'm sure.

Out of the blue

2007-07-22T08:10:00.000-05:00

I had another Ingrid dream last night. Sad. In the dream, I had received a "new" video of her, with her foster family. I was all excited, thinking if she were back with her foster family and the agency had sent me this video, then I could buy presents for her. So I rushed to the store, intending on buying presents for her but somehow wound up in the furniture part of the store (I shop in high-class places if I can buy the clothes and the furniture in the same store). And as I'm walking around, picking out things I knew she would like, I realized the video couldn't be new because of who was in the video. In my dream I got SO SAD figuring out that it wasn't new, it was old, that she's not with the foster family, that she really IS back with her bfamily. And then I woke up and remembered that I can't adopt her.

Your turn to participate (PLEASE)

2007-07-13T21:05:00.000-05:00

BUMPING THIS MESSAGE FROM YESTERDAY. STILL SEEKING YOUR ANSWERS...

Anyone else watch Big Brother? I've seen almost every episode since season 2 (I missed a bunch of season 1, when it was on seven days a week). Resa got me into it. This season's houseguests, I just have one question: I didn't know that Tommy Lee was Anna Nicole Smith's father. (If you don't watch the show, you won't get it. Resa and Doug were rolling on the floor laughing.)

I've long thought that if I were to be on a reality show, it would be that one. Nothing to do but sit in a house and gossip. Contests that aren't physically demanding. Prety much the worst things about the show are no Internet, no Doug, and occasional weeks of eating nothing but "Big Brother slop" (which appears to be nothing more than plain oatmeal).

But it got me thinking about what kind of reality show WOULD be good to be on.

PLEASE leave a comment saying if you think these scenarios would be GOOD, in that you wouldn't judge a person too harshly if they did it. And feel free to embellish with details and past experiences. Is it OK, in your opinion, for a person to:
1. Be a contestant on a reality show like Survivor, Big Brother, or the Amazing Race?
2. Be a contestant on a "talent search" like American Idol or America's Next Top Model?
3. Be a contestant on a game show like Millionnaire or Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?
4. Be interviewed by the local news about a program you're volunteering with?
5. Be interviewed by the local news about an accident you witnessed?
6. Be interviewed by Oprah about some aspect of your life, like your messy house or your boyfriend who won't commit?
7. Be interviewed by Montel or Dr. Phil about your failed adoption?

PLEASE leave opinions. And ask your friends to leave opinions. Please.

I Would Die For That

2007-07-09T14:39:00.001-05:00

Mine is about three minutes into the song.

UPDATE: The person singing it is Kellie Coffey. Her website, http://www.kelliecoffey.com/index.asp, says she won the Top New Female Country Artist award in 2003. It does mention that she had a baby in 2005, but it doesn't specifically mention if she herself dealt with infertility. According to the website, "The video of the song I Would Die For That, a song dealing with infertility and a working woman's desire to have a child, is on various sites around the internet now." So I'm not really sure how old she is, either.

I'm still telling people

2007-07-05T16:53:00.000-05:00

Before the comp exams last July, my cohort met every week, sometimes twice a week and even more over the summer. I knew so much about these people. It got to the point when we'd get a new professor and we'd have to do the "tell us a little something about yourself" speech, we could guess what everyone else would say.

Since the comps, we're only together once a month. And some months we don't have to meet at all, provided we still meet with our individual advisor. Even when we meet, it's more of a "this is what you still have to do for this part of your dissertation" kind of thing. We show up, say how much progress we've made, complain that we're never going to finish, and then leave. No chit-chat time.

This summer class has more down time, even though it seems like more work. (It's not really more work, it's just that we're doing a complete course in ten days with all of the required readings and assignments for the full course. Plus, my commute is 1.5 hours instead of just 45 minutes, each way. Over the summer, when "teachers are on vacation." Plus the dissertation.) And since there's the down time, we have a chance to catch up on our lives.

One of the girls in my cohort adopted twins from Russia in 2001. She's a single mom, also. She was a lifeline to me during my early research on adoption. She gave me the book "Toddler Adoption," which kind of led me to older children. I had found some Russia things still laying around my house, a tiny doll in a Russian outfit and a Christmas ornament with a matrioshka (nesting doll) inside it. I gave them to her today for the girls.

A little later, she asked me what was going on with my process. "Is the little girl home with you now?" I said no, she's never coming home to me. She smiled one of those, "It will all work out" kind of smiles. The ones I got sick of seeing last spring when I was waiting for DNA authorization that just didn't seem to ever come. I said, "No, really. She's never coming home. AS told me in October and the agency admitted it in December. Then in January they promised me a new referral or a refund and I haven't heard from them since. They didn't even answer the complaint I filed at the Better Business Bureau." She was shocked. She asked what would happen to Ingrid now, I told her that I'm choosing to believe she really IS with her bio family. And then we talked about how in addition to all of the money I lost, it's also the heartbreak. I said, "It's ALL the heartbreak." ALL of it. Every bit. I planned on spending over $30,000 on an adoption. I also planned on being a MOM which basically means never having fun-money again. The money is only important because I have NONE left, and without money I can't pay fees for an adoption of a child I actually CAN be a mom to.

More than anything else, it's the heartbreak. If I got my refund, I'd still have the heartbreak. Even if I got a new referral, I'd still have the broken heart for Ingrid (although I know that actually having a child to be a mom to would help in healing my heart).

Painfully aware

2007-07-03T21:35:00.000-05:00

July 3. I know this date. I know it too well.

July 3, 2006 - I asked for a new referral. Actually, first thing I did was write out what I would say to the agency when I called. No answer (of course), so I left a message. Got an e-mail minutes later (coincidence?) saying they didn't hear me. I sent the e-mail. I was told it was my decision to wait (not true, well half true because I was trusting their professional judgement, which is what I PAID them for). "We can certainly talk about a new referral but the other case will be approved in a matter of days." Within days it was clear that the agency would never give me another referral. It was six months later until the agency flat-out started to ignore me. But July 3, that was the date I admitted to myself that it was over with Ingrid. I held out hope for over five more months, even for the two months after Adoption Supervisors told me it was over I still hoped. I hoped until it was clear my agency would not respond to me.

Happy Anniversary

2007-06-22T06:08:00.000-05:00

My post from June 21, 2006:
Is Ingrid here yet?

That's what Jenna asked as soon as I walked in. When I thought about it, the last time I saw her was right before I was supposed to visit Ingrid last month. And Jenna was recording a video message for me to bring to Ingrid. She must have thought the reason she didn't see me for a month was that I was bringing Ingrid home. I showed her the June video on my portable DVD player (which she kept telling me was really a video game, I don't even know how she knows what a video game is since she's only 3). She kept showing the video to Resa saying, "Look Mommy, it's Ingrid." Resa didn't even understand the first question that Jenna asked me. But as the hour I was there went on and Jenna kept talking about Ingrid, it was clear.

I can't wait until the girls play together. Jenna and I pretended we were at the beach, digging in the sand and building sand castles, swimming, dunking our heads under water while holding our noses, and blowing bubbles in the water. I think Jenna needs Ingrid home as much as I do!

OK, I did make the decision today to tap into my savings. You've got to do whatever you can to protect your kids, right?

(There was another post, too. That one was a letter to Ingrid about how I was using our vacation money to pay for AS, I apologized to her for not being able to take her on a cruise next year or to Disney with Aunt Jackie. That post made me cry too much, so I'm not reposting it.)

Did you see this?

2007-05-21T20:47:00.000-05:00

The little girl at the end sounded like Ingrid. It's not, though. I know it's not.

My own kind of Adoption Amnesia

2007-05-08T21:52:00.000-05:00

I just went through my old e-mails. I started with my referral, October 16, 2005. After reliving that excitement, the paperchase, the "Woohoo I'm done with Family Court" surprise conversation on Valentines Day, the visit trip, the DNA wait, The Lie, the requests for medical reports, the cedula explanations, the bmom interview, hiring AS, asking for a new referral, and the accusations, I gave up. I got tired of reliving it.

The good thing is, you DO forget. Even my nightmare. There were parts of it that I forgot myself. Not the big stuff, I remembered all that. But I forgot some of the times the agency director accused me of lying or fabricating things (and of course I had back-up documentation to show that I was NOT the one lying). I forgot some timeline things, too. Like I thought I asked for a new referral (I knew I did that on July 3) AFTER I found out that Thanassis was involved in the case, but it turns out that I didn't know about his involvement for another 12 days. So the really good thing is, someday I'll forget just how horrible this has all been! (See, I told you I'm not always negative.)

I still have six months of e-mails to go through. From memory, I have at least one more time when the agency brags about being able to bribe in PGN (I have several other references to that). I don't have much from the agency, since the director stopped talking to me when I stopped being so darned afraid of her. I know that I also have the negativa from AS saying that my POA was never filed, and I have an e-mail from the agency promising the POA had indeed been filed. (I already have another e-mail from AS saying that Thanassis admitted my paperwork was never registered, and that was within the first two weeks of hiring AS.)

And I know I have that whole thing from December-January. Where I was promised a refund, then a referral, then a refund, then a referral but only through Thanassis, then a refund, then IGNORING ME. I know I haven't gotten to the REALLY good stuff. The stuff where I'm told the agency doesn't have to do the job I hired them to do, and the part where they remind me the contract doesn't guarantee me a child.

I DO STAND BY MY ORIGINAL LINE - The contract doesn't guarantee me a child. I didn't set out to buy a child. I did, however, hire an adoption agency to help me facilitate an adoption. And since I never started an adoption process, they did not do the job I paid them to do. Guarantee of a child is NOT what I was looking for - ATTEMPTING to adopt a child is what I was looking for, and the agency DID NOT do this for me.

Do you know anyone who tried to adopt a child from Guatemala but the child never came home? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave your e-mail in the comments! Or e-mail me at janedoeguatemala@yahoo.com. PLEASE! Or if anyone you know of tried to adopt, paid money and never brought their child home, PLEASE let me know. PLEASE!!!! I even have an e-mail from my agency director who said this happened to two other families through my same attorney, so I'd LOVE to find them...

Why I'm negative

2007-05-07T16:21:00.000-05:00

1. Ingrid isn't home with me.
2. I don't know where Ingrid is. If I know FOR SURE that she is FOREVER in a safe and loving family, I can rest a little easier.
3. I cannot afford to try adopting again. My agency STOLE my money and NEVER EVEN FILED A POWER OF ATTORNEY! I was waiting for fourteen months, but I was NEVER in the process to adopt a child.
4. I trusted. I believed. I waited. I was patient. I tried to believe G-d's plan. But I'm ALL ALONE, no child at home despite my waiting.

Please don't tell me to be positive. Please don't tell me it's all in His timing. Please don't tell me it's because of His plan for me. Because to someone who's tried to adopt and FAILED TWICE, it sounds like He doesn't believe I'm capable of being a parent. When you tell me that it's all the power of my thinking, it sounds like I did something wrong. And I did NOTHING WRONG, except (1)accept Grisha's referral when he wasn't the "child of my dreams," because I wanted to help HIM find a family; (2) trust the references for this agency; (3) sign with this agency; and (4) agree last April that Ingrid was so special she was worth waiting an extra month or so for.

In LIFE, I'm not so negative. About my adoption experience, there's NOTHING BUT NEGATIVE. So please don't make me feel worse.

The researcher in me

2007-05-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

OK, this is where I show what a geek I truly am. I just got these numbers from Guatadopt:
DESTINED TO THE US:
Statistics-
Total number of adoption cases for 2006-2007=5,024
Total number of that went to the US 2006-07 =4,757

Assuming the number of adoptions that were started in 05 but completed in 06 is statistically equal to the number of adoptions that were started in 06 but not completed yet, that means only 267 cases did not go to the US. I'm assuming that number refers to cases that got to PGN but were kicked out for some reason, or ones that went to investigations for more than the mere look-see (AKA, the longtimers).

267 cases out of 5024. That means about 5% of the cases were not approved. Again, that assumes the "total number of adoption cases" refers to those that made it to PGN.

If, however, the "total number of adoption cases" refers to those that began the process, then we must include the children who were returned to their bparent. I remember reading that number is something like 2 or 3 out of 100. In that case, 2-3% of cases that were started did NOT result in coming to the US.

Ingrid is not one of those, since her case was never started anywhere (I know you're sick of me pointing it out). Either is her bsister, since her sister's case started in 2005. Her first KO from PGN was in 2005, also.

Easier

2007-04-10T16:30:00.000-05:00

It's gotten easier to watch my video. I actually just watched it again without crying a single tear. It is definitely healing, because I'm watching it and remembering just how wonderful it was. Not easy, but wonderful.

So I decided to share some of the stories of those pictures. Like the first one, the Cabbage Patch. The doll was on her bed. When she came into the room she saw it and her eyes just lit up, she looked at me and then at her foster mom, and I told her it was her doll and she should go hold it. First thing she did - check the diaper!

And the fruit. Do you see the one where her mouth is WIDE open? She couldn't shovel that stuff in fast enough. She loved fruit! Except for the time she ordered it instead of fries with dinner and told me she wanted to put ketchup on the fruit. I said that was gross but she said it was good. I don't have a picture of it, but you can imagine how she looked trying to pretend she actually liked the ketchup on her canteloupe.

The zoo, there's one picture where she's with her foster mom and foster sister and they're looking at some animal you can't see. The animal was Zaboomafoo, from the Kroft brothers show. I was so happy she liked that show also (in Spanish, "¿Dónde? Aquí, en Discovery Kids,") because it was one of Jenna's absolute favorite shows.

The pigeon pictures. There's one where she has her hands up, she had just fed them some bird seed. The other one she's trying to catch a pigeon (una paloma), and there's another little girl also in the picture. That was supposed to be her Bat Mitzvah picture. Just the juxtaposition of the two girls, similar ages, but Ingrid in her American clothes and the other girl in Mayan fabric, and then imagining a 13-year old NY Jewish-American princess compared to the same little girl at age 4 chasing pigeons...

The pictures with the sippy cup. She called that her pacha (bottle). She didn't really need a sippy cup, but I had them just in case. I brought them more to have cups in our room, but she loved her cup. Every time we'd leave the room she'd check that I had a pacha for her (and she also had her handbag - you can even see the little red handbag in the zoo pictures).

The last two of me and Ingrid together, Angel took those. You can see why they're so special to me.

And the pictures in the baby room, where she's laying on the baby mat thing with a teddy bear. She saw the other babies doing it, she wanted to do it also. A little regression. No problem, I thought that was completely normal.

And for the record, she did her own hair every day. I didn't touch her hair, even though I totally wanted to see what it would be like to style such great thick straight hair. I did braid it once when she didn't realize, when she was watching TV and didn't realize I did it (old trick I learned from dealing with my sister who absolutely refused to have anyone ever touch her hair). So the extra barrettes or the "wind-blown look," those are the true marks of an independent preschooler.

Thanks for convincing me to do a video. It's helping.

OK, I did it

2007-04-09T19:58:00.001-05:00

I finally did it. I took the easy way out and just uploaded pictures and music and let the site to all the editing stuff.

I actually started TWO montages at two different points in time. The first I started last summer, after I asked for a new referral but the agency conveniently didn't understand that I meant I wanted a new referral. And the other is more or less the same as this one, except I tried to upload some video (couldn't figure out how to do it) and I did the transition and captions and all that stuff by hand. Got cumbersome, it's VERY exhausting reliving those moments again and again trying to get split-second timing for the captions. So, this will have to do.

And in case anyone needs some warning, like you just stumbled on this blog and you're all ready to watch some happy pictures, they ARE happy pictures. It's just the OUTCOME that sucks.

Make an on-line slideshow at onetruemedia.com

One year in HELL

2007-03-29T20:48:00.000-05:00

One year ago from right this minute, I wrote the following post. It was the end of the absolute worst day of my process. Hopefully, the worst day of my life. I can't imagine it gets worse than this. And rereading the post, all I can think of is how little things have changed for me in the past year. Tonight I find myself crying for my present, for this entire past year, for Ingrid, for everything else, and for the pain I'm remembering just 365 days ago.

Serenity

G-d grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Is there anything about the process I can change right now? The way I'm handling it, that's the only thing I can change. I can't make people be honest. I can't make people be ethical. I can't make people do what they're supposed to do. I've accepted that. I don't know what else I can do to ease my suffering right now.

I'm in a really bad way right now. I can't even figure out how I'm feeling. I'm not really mad at the agency - the attorney lied to them. (I don't totally believe that, by the way.) I'm not mad at the attorney - they just found out about the double cedula thing. (Does that mean the birthmother lied to them?) (I don't believe that they just found out, either.) I'm not mad at the birthmother - she's the one who relinquished Ingrid and let me be her real mother. (My complete views on that are being reserved patiently until I see the social worker report, and will then only be shared with appropriate people at appropriate times, definitely not in a public forum like this blog.) I'm not so much mad as I am disappointed. And not so much disappointed (because I had a feeling this was coming) as I am humiliated that I actually kind of believed them. And not so humiliated as I am humbled (why would I get DNA before anyone else). And not so much humbled as I am questioning. And not so much questioning as I am confused. And not so much confused as I am mad. It's just bad.

I'm really questioning His plan right now. Why can't I get things that everyone else has? Everyone else got two healthy parents, not me. Everyone else got four grandparents that adored them, not me. Everyone else has suffering and eventually pays dues and sees some fruition, not me. I've never "gotten" anything. The only things I've actually achieved have to do with schoolwork, things that I worked super hard just to prove I'm smart. Who really cares if I'm smart???? In the meantime I have to fight every year and be sneaky just to do what's right for my students! So what, I'm almost done with my doctorate. I won't get a pay raise, I won't get a promotion, I'll be lucky if I'm even allowed input on my final exam! And those are things I've worked hard to achieve.

Adoption is the "easy" way to have a kid? No way!!! This is NOT easy. Watching Resa suffer through gestational diabetes, one week of bedrest, a preemie, and gall bladder surgery - EASY stuff compared to this emotional turmoil. "Jenna had three bananas for breakfast." Really? I have no idea what my daughter had for breakfast, lunch, or dinner for the past five weeks. Talking to Dawn on bedrest for just about 2 weeks - NOTHING compared to this. Yeah, she's been having contractions for two weeks, but I've been having anxiety attacks about DNA for two months.

I'm seriously doubting that G-d will let me be a mother. And the path then led me straight to Ingrid. Right to her. She's the very first child on the very first website from Guatemala that I saw when I started to think about changing countries. And we weren't matched for about 5 weeks after that. And it's like there's been NO progress in geting her home. Sure, I got the dossier finished. And we're out of family court. But that's it. Nothing else.

I'm thinking about unsubscribing from my e-mail lists. I'm tired of reading about all the babies coming home. I'm happy for the families, I really am. I just don't want to read it anymore because it's making me feel like there's a problem with ME that my daughter isn't coming home. Even reading my friends' blogs is getting too painful.

All I've been doing is crying today. I can't think straight. Today even the smallest of joys has been pushed aside in this misery. I saved the French program for another year, that should make me feel amazing but I really don't care. Bought a two-serving bottle of wine for dinner, didn't even drink half of it. Don't feel like crocheting or knitting. Not watching Lost but typing out my misery instead. Here's the kicker - Ben and Jerry are in my house right now and I'm not interested in socializing with them!!!! I don't know the last time I ignored those guys.

What do I do now? Do I just give up this dream of ever being a mom? Do I decide to switch to a different child with a different attorney who's more trustworthy? Do I switch countries? Agencies? Do I get rid of all the Ingrid pictures from my house, computer, car, classroom, wallet, until there's some progress on this? I can't take looking at her adorable little face and thinking she's never going to be with me. Please, G-d, help me.

2007 Update - Please, G-d, help me.

I can't decide...

2007-03-29T20:31:00.000-05:00

...which year-old post I want to repost today. This is the anniversary of the absolute worst day of my entire process. One year ago, I found out that it was all a lie. (Well, I found out some more lies several months later when I hired AS. But today was when I found out that IT was a lie.) These are not the complete posts. They're just the parts where I should have WOKEN UP!

Feel free not to read this. I'm just reliving it. Trying to accept it and move past it. Trying to see why I was SO GULLIBLE that I was so easily scammed. If you get anything from reading my blog, get this: If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's not a chicken in a costume - it really is a duck!

March 27, 2006 - Post title: No DNA news again.
Angel posted today that she's worried her lawyer can't get through the Embassy. I tried to respond but it's not working (again, probably something with my school network). Here's my response:
"No need to feel like your attorney is the only one who can't get through. I'm still not 100% sure I have the DNA authorization and it isn't just another delay from the attorney's office intended to stop me from hiring Adoption Supervisors. My agency director said she'd find out for sure today, but she hasn't e-mailed me yet (no surprise there). And there's nothing posted to my credit card, which is what the director said they'd do when they receive the fax so Ingrid's appointment can be scheduled. It's just SO nervewracking. But to be honest, I'm definitely not as anxious about it. I guess you really do "forget" all of this, if I'm more at ease at just the idea of DNA."
That's right, I still haven't heard about the authorization for sure. I'm choosing to believe that I really did get it, even though I don't have any real proof (in the form of someone having seen it, or in a charge to my account to pay for the test). It wouldn't surprise me much if I didn't really have it but the attorney's office is saying I do, because they're trying to stall me. BUT, I'm looking optimistically (for a change) and assuming I have it.
2007 Update - Yes, you do "forget."

March 28, 2006 - Post title: Why haven't I heard anything?
When reading this post, keep in mind that I'm a doctoral student. We research theories. We develop theories. We use theories to support everything we do. These are my theories as to why I haven't heard anything from my agency since Friday, when the last thing said was they'll find out for sure by Monday if not sooner:
Theory #1 - I didn't get DNA. It was a mistake, not my case. Sorry.
Theory #2 - The attorney was just stalling. I didn't get DNA, there's been absolutely no progress on my case for the past three months, and now they're looking for a new and unique way to explain it to me.
Theory #3 - The adoption agency is closed this week because everyone has Spring Fever, so no one was able to find out or return my e-mail. But I did get DNA, they told me not to worry so why was I being so neurotic?
Theory #4 - The agency is annoyed because the attorney is stalling. And no one there wants to deal with me, so they're not answering my e-mail.
Theory #5 - Ingrid is just never coming home, so they're just putting on all of these pretenses and making up more delays that might seem reasonable to someone who doesn't know any better and is desperate to be a mom. Maybe they can put this off for another 13 and a half years, so Ingrid will be 18 and then she can move here herself.
2007 Update - Does anyone else feel sick to their stomach when they read this?

March 29, 2006 - Post title: "When you're negative and you're right, it's called REALISTIC."
Nope, I didn't get the DNA authorization. The attorney lied to the agency. Or the agency lied to me. Or whatever. Bottom line is, NO authorization. Short version is that the birthmother has to cancel an old ID something or other, which may take a week. Longer version is, WHO CARES???? IS MY DAUGHTER EVEN COMING HOME???????????????????????????????? E V E R????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Sorry to sound so pessimistic, but really, this is totally out of hand

DNA

2007-03-24T08:11:00.000-05:00

Note: The following is the e-mail I received on March 24, 2006, at 7:48 PM. As you read it, keep in mind that I had mailed in my dossier over 3.5 months previously, I was told to expect DNA authorization by January 10 and had still not gotten it, I had spent several days with Ingrid over a month earlier, the foster mom was afraid to talk to me on the phone because she thought the "attorney" was mad at her, and most importantly it was ONE WEEK AFTER I asked for a specific reason my folder hadn't gotten DNA authorization (and was told the Embassy wanted new lab work on the bmom).

Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2006 19:48:46 EST
Subject: DNA

I am TOLD that we finally finally have the DNA auth for your case. That said, I do not have the fax. The office faxed over a few and we assumed yours was in it, when we called back a few minutes later the office assured us they would fax it again. We do not have it yet but I did talk to the office manager and she assured me that she "had seen it with her own eyes" and would fax it as soon as she went back to the other office. We do not have it yet and have faxed to tell the office that we do not have it yet. We do believe them ......................but until we see it with our own eyes---we do not believe or trust anyone to give us the right information!!!! :)

I will call them again tomorrow and try to hunt someone down. I am sure we have it but..........................................

That said, We will send the Lab the DNA payment form that is in your file and they will send us back a paid receipt and then we fax the paid receipt to the DNA doctor and then and only then will the DNA Dr schedule up an appt for the BM to come in. It usually takes about a week from Monday to get everyone scheduled and in to the Dr office for the quick DNA swab.

I realize that it took much too long to get the DNA auth but we were faced with the Embassy delays, way too long of lines, multiple requests for nonsense documents and then the atty office getting backlogged on DNA auths and the E only allowing 4 files to be submitted every other day by the same office. We kept on them and I am sure that we have yours as you could hear me screaming at the office and messenger all the way in NY I am sure !!!!!

I will confirm the DNA auth by Monday if not sooner!

Is it wrong of me?

2007-03-19T20:30:00.000-05:00

So this post on Guatadopt says that in all likelihood, April 1st will be it. The protocolo is back. Well, it never really went away. But it seems that it will be what the rumor was a few weeks ago. That if your Power of Attorney is on file, then you're safe. And if you're POA isn't registered in the Guatemalan legal system, you're not safe. You're not in process if your POA isn't on file.

Which confirms what I've been saying for the past five months. I was never in process to adopt Ingrid because my Power of Attorney was never registered. The agency can say I'm wrong all they like. Say I have some kind of misinformation. Say Adoption Supervisors lied to me. I'm fine with them saying all of that, because I have a document from the Guatemalan courts that confirms my Power of Attorney was never registered. It's a legal document, saying the other legal document which they claim was filed over a year ago was NEVER filed. It's legal proof that they lied to me. And if that rumor about the protocolo is right, it's legal proof that they scammed me.

So, this is my question. Is it wrong of me to hope that the rumor is true? I know that there will be families who will lose their referral because the POA wasn't on file by whatever deadline is decided, and for that I feel absolutely terrible. But I lived for one year thinking my POA was on file when it really wasn't. (Not really. AS told me it wasn't filed in June, just days before I asked for another referral. Remember when I asked for a new referral, in July? When I found out my process had never started. When I found out my case was going through a banned facilitator. So in actuality, I lived for six months thinking it was on file when it really wasn't. And then I lived for another six months hoping AS was wrong, but deep down knowing they were right. Those were a horrible six months, especially the last two after AS told me but before the agency did that Ingrid could never be relinquished. Absolute nightmare.)

I do not ever want to hear about another family having this done to them. I don't want Thanassis to arrange any more adoptions, since the US Embassy has said he is unethical. (Whether he is or not, that's not my problem. The fact remains, it is not permissible for him to facilitate adoptions. Period.) I don't want agencies to work with him, because the US Embassy has forbade it. (And unfortunately, there's no way to ensure agencies do not work with him. Unless strict penalties are imposed. Like no accreditation. And fines.) I don't want families to lose over ten thousand dollars to an unethical bully. I don't want people not to share their stories, for fear of losing a referral. I don't want people falling in love with a child only to find out that child was never going to be theirs.

Remember the absolute fact of my case remains, I was never legally in process to adopt Ingrid. No matter what the agency says, the legal stuff never happened once it left my hands. I paid the fees for a legal process, yet my process was never started. My case wasn't stuck in PGN, the birth sister's case was stuck in PGN. Sad, definitely. And none of it will make Ingrid my daughter. But it isn't right for an agency to take over ten thousand dollars of my money because I wanted to believe them. I wish I had enough money to donate over ten thousand dollars to pay for Ingrid's care, but that's not what I signed up for. I signed up to try and adopt her, and the agency didn't help me do that. They never did what I paid them for.

And if POAs on file is the make-or-break for processes, that shows I wasn't in process. Regardless of how long it all took. It took me six weeks from referral to dossier, it took the agency 53 more weeks to admit the case could never start, and it's taken over three more months for them to make things right with me.

On the media

2007-03-16T12:11:00.000-05:00

It seems that many people with adoption horror stories go to the media. I've seen episodes of 20/20, Dr. Phil, and Montel since my process started alone! And just this week there was something I missed on CNN.

And every single newspaper and magazine in the country is now doing stories on adoptions. Poor parents who have paid thousands of dollars and are stuck without a child. Only heartbreak, nothing more to show for it.

Why the interest in adoption stories? I think it's because we all like to see the traffic accident. We don't really want to know anyone died, we just want to see it and gawk. We don't even want to know what happened so we can avoid a similar accident, we just want to sit there open-mouthed.

Some of the stories are heartwarming, so we watch them knowing it's a happy ending. There's always this crescendo, when the viewer thinks nothing else could possibly go wrong but it does, and then all of a sudden there's a miracle and everything works out perfectly in the end. Baby comes home, parents are elated, all is right in the world.

Some of the stories aren't as heartwarming. The family loses the child, the biological family decides not parent (which in itself isn't the heartbreak because at least the child has a loving home, even if it's not with the a-parents), the country laws change, etc. And within minutes after, all is fixed. There is a new referral, or the a-parents get pregnant unexpectedly, or whatever arrangement is made. Why does this happen? No idea. Maybe it's because of negative attention. No one wants negative attention.

I certainly didn't want negative attention. There was a newspaper story when I was hosting Grisha that I was featured in. The bad part was, it was published on the day he left my home. The reporter kept calling me to do a follow-up, but I wouldn't return the call because I didn't want my "failure" as part of the local paper that my students (and their parents) would be reading. (Yes, my students and parents read the article about Grisha. Being the only French teacher in the school, the kids knew their teacher's name before they even got their schedule. Those are the students I still have now, almost 2 years later.) And after Ingrid's referral was lost, that nethertime in between AS telling me and the agency admitting it, I was asked to be a part of that upcoming Dateline story. I said no, because I didn't want the negative attention. I didn't want the entire country to know that I picked a bad agency. I didn't want everyone to know that I was stupid enough to believe a ridiculous story (only ridiculous in hindsight) as to why my case wasn't moving. I didn't want to look like more of a fool for waiting in April, when I had serious doubts about the case, and I certainly didn't want to look like the complete idiot the agency wants to portray me as for not INSISTING IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND BOLD PRINT that I get a new referral when I did start asking for one, in July.

I don't care if I look stupid anymore. I'm ready to talk. I'll name names, also. And I have records, e-mails and the blogs, things that are dated. From multiple sources, including attorneys and government officials. I may not have the dissertation nailed, but the research is definitely here.

Where in the world is GW?

2007-03-11T19:44:00.000-05:00

Guatemala, that's where. He was in Colombia yesterday, hopefully not messing things up there for potential adoptive parents. (Adoption wasn't on his agenda there. Singles who want to adopt from Colombia are given the choice of a special needs child or a child over the age of 7. Shame, because I have a HUGE love for that country. I've taught many, many students, beloved students from wonderful families, who escaped that country. My favorite author, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, is Colombian. My Masters thesis was about Colombian culture, especially the role of Colombia in pop culture in America. A few agencies have hosting programs for children from Colombia, too.)

This is what CNN is reporting as Bush's agenda for tomorrow.
Monday, March 12T
he president has events planned in rural areas outside of Guatemala City, including a visit to a school where the U.S. military provides medical aid and a trip to the Mayan ruins at Iximche.In the afternoon, Bush is scheduled to attend a welcoming ceremony, followed by a meeting and press conference with President Oscar Berger to discuss alternative energy, narco-trafficking, crime and immigration.

Immigration - I guess that's where they will discuss adoption. I don't really know what to make of that. Immigration, the US Embassy requirements, that's not what's keeping Ingrid from my family. PGN, that's where Ingrid's birth sister got stuck for over a year, supposedly because of the now-infamous two cedula issue. In and out and in minors investigation, the bmom isn't a minor. Full investigation or not (agency said it's not a "full" investigation, AS says there's no such thing as a "kind of" investigation), the case has been in and out of PGN for well over a year. You can't say that's normal, that it's a regular process, if it's been in and out for a year. And you can't say everything is fine with the two cedulas and it shouldn't be a problem, because it is a problem. And that's why the sister can't be adopted.

Ingrid, it has nothing to do with the cedula. Ingrid was never in process to be adopted. She was relinquished by her bmom, taken to the doctor on September 13, 2005, got a birth certificate on that same day, and that's all that has ever happened for her. She never dealt with immigration because she was never submitted for DNA authorization. I believe she was NEVER submitted, even though the agency told me for well over two months that there were problems with the Embassy. I contacted my Representative (now no longer a Representative but she is the grandma of one of my students), who told me exactly what I had been reading online. Yes, there were new delays, but these were not new requirements. And on March 17 last year, I got "tough" with the agency and suggested I hire AS to find out why my papers never even made it to the elusive window that supposedly everyone else got turned away from for these new requirements. (Yup, everyone else was told why their paperwork was rejected. I was told my paperwork never made it to the window.) I couldn't even imagine what the truth would be, that my paperwork was never even waiting in line for DNA, that the agency already knew about the two cedulas but didn't tell me! At any rate, as soon as I suggested AS, the agency told me that the Embassy asked for another copy of some bmom paperwork, I think it was a new medical report or something. I do have the record of what the excuse was, but I'm too lazy right now to look it up. Doesn't really matter, anyway. As we now know, whatever the excuse was, it was a LIE, since you need to have the POA on file before you get DNA authorization, and I have a document from Guatemala that shows my POA was never on file.

So it's not immigration that stopped my process. Ingrid can't be my daughter for nothing to do with US law, but beause of Guatemalan law. Fine. She's Guatemalan. I get that. The country can make their own laws as they see fit, even if it bothers me to no end. But please let's find some kind of solution for all of the other children in this country.

And all of the children around the world (including the US) who cannot be adopted because of the laws in their own country. Remember that baby from Paraguay I was offered? My cousin's nanny's sister. Paraguay doesn't permit international adoptions; I would have had to establish residency for one year in order to adopt that baby. I still don't even know if it was a boy or a girl, just that it was a healthy and beautiful baby who was mine if I wanted it, but I think about that baby every single day. What became of this baby? Did it go to an orphanage? Did the bfamily decide to parent? Do they have enough money to meet the baby's needs? Did I make another mistake by not trying to manipulate the system so I could try to adopt that baby? Again, that's not an "immigration" issue.

If it's the policy of the country people are coming into, it's called immigration. If it's the policy of the country people are leaving, it's called emmigration.

Lunar eclipse

2007-03-03T20:23:00.000-05:00

I saw a little bit of it, and it was pretty cool. I actually saw it go from about 1/4 to about 3/4, so I guess I saw a lot of it. I remember about 12 years ago there was a solar eclipse and a bunch of us teachers went outside during our prep to watch it.

And then the waterworks started. Not the rain, just my crying. I guess because I saw three people today that I don't see often, and all of them asked what was going on, the emotions were just all bottled up. At least when I started to cry I was alone in the car. (And listening to that Rascal Flatts song I love.) The thought that got the tears a-flowin' - I wish Ingrid were here so I could explain it to her.

Those are the moments I'll never have with her. Sharing a life with a little girl, teaching her all kinds of things, watching her reactions to the world around her, seeing how much she learns as she grows up. I know that she'll still have those moments, and hopefully she'll have all the love and tenderness that goes along with them. And I know eventually I'll be able to have those moments, too. I just won't be able to have them with Ingrid.

I finally got the nerve to watch the final DVD of Ingrid from the agency's November trip. It arrived in the mail the day after I was told she could never be relinquished. (Which means it was mailed the day before I was told, which is just plain cruel, but I'd expect nothing less.) I'm watching it now, just to get my last-ever Ingrid fix. I don't know how long I'll have to watch the other babies until I finally get to Ingrid, so if it gets to be too much I'll just turn it off. There's a real cutie right now, maybe like 7 months old learning to clap and just giggling up a storm. Every time I hear the agency director's voice on the DVD, or she comes over to tickle or cuddle one of the kids, I just get sick. Her comments are innocent enough, until you realize all of the torture she's put me through, before and after this DVD was made. All the time I'm thinking, sure, she's great when the process is going smoothly but once there's a bump she changes. But that's not really what happens on the DVD, the DVD she's the same sticky-sweet for all of the babies. Even the little girl who's been there longer than Ingrid (I've seen her post on one of the forums, she raves about how great the agency director is, now I hear on the DVD that she's friends with and hangs out at home with the agency director...).

* * * * * * * * * *
UPDATE after DVD: Yes, I was able to watch it. I'm glad I did. It's amazing how many children just had their parents visit, even three children who were going HOME with their family, that were included on the DVD. I was told I couldn't even get pictures of Ingrid last February because I had visited the previous week. Isn't that the way it is, that no one gets pictures if they've just visited? Or is that another example of no one that conveniently excludes two certain families?

Lots of time of Ingrid singing songs. It's because I complained ON THIS BLOG and nowhere else that there wasn't enough time of Ingrid on the DVD compared to other children. Even one part where the agency director mentions that Ingrid and her foster sister are going to separate families, each family gets their own DVD but they like to do their "routine" together also. NEVER doubt that the agency director reads this blog. I know you do. Thanks for responding, even if it's not to me but to all of your clients. Now, can you please explain why you're scamming me?

Agency director complimented me on my shopping. Yup, she loved the outfit Ingrid was wearing. So did I. That's why I bought it for her. It was supposed to be for her embassy appointment last spring. Or for her first day of school. But instead it's from the last video. Agency director even said she wished she had an outfit just like it - funny, because I saw one in your size and I would have gotten it for you but you won't acknowledge me so you're out of luck.

No mention of height or weight. Remember how many times I was told that she always says the weight on the DVD? Welp, the weight was on the video three times in over one year, and by the way it was always the same weight, which was three pounds less than on her medical report from when she first came into foster care. Oh, and for the record, that outfit was a size 4T, the same size I sent down over a year earlier since she's never gained weight, according to you. That's because I bought that outfit in January 2006!

And Angel, Ingrid even gave a shout out to you! (Well, not really to you. But she sang a song about Pinky Winky. Isn't that the name she gave you? I guess it's a theme song to a cartoon or something.)

And the whole time I watched Ingrid, I kept thinking, she's not supposed to be there! She's supposed to be upstairs right now. Or sitting next to me! She's supposed to be singing her songs from kindergarten. She's supposed to be taking dance classes. She's supposed to be making up new songs and dances with her cousins Jenna and Lexi. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. She's supposed to be my daughter!

Montel on repeat

2007-02-27T21:48:00.000-05:00

So I finally caught the Montel episode on adoption scams. One word - company. I'm not alone! I'm not crazy in these feelings (not that I ever believed I was). I'm NORMAL, I'm in good company in this misery (unfortunately).

Of course I forgot to set the VCR. Face it, we all knew that would happen. I remembered when I was almost at work, so I called Resa first to see if she could tape or DVR it. No answer. Next I called Sue, who said she'd try to tape it but her VCR doesn't always work. Then I remembered that Doug was going in at 9:00 so he'd be awake, so I called him. He DVR-ed it. We made plans to go to dinner and then watch it together.

Montel, didn't like him. He focused on the money part of it. How much it costs, how these families were out $25,000 and no baby. (Yes, the money is a big part of being scammed. Because it's not like that much money comes easily, most PAPs take out loans or save for years to be able to get that kind of money together. But the real hurt in the scam is that you lose a child, and there's no pricetag to that. Of course, if money weren't an issue, we victims would be able to try again more easily, but it's so not about the money we lost.)

Family who tried to adopt from Guatemala, I think they may be my most favorite people on the planet right now (sorry girls, you know how much I love you all and couldn't be happier that your babies are home). She justified every single thing I've been saying. How it's not just the money, it's about losing your child. How you so much want to believe this is the child for you. How when you're stuck in this nightmare, you stop socializing with your friends. How when this happens to you, you think it may be a sign that you shouldn't be parents. (And to that, Montel very quickly said it wasn't a sign, it was a bad agency.) And by the way, the problem this family had - the signature on the birth mother's cedula. Sound familiar? Any of it? ALL of it? Except for the part that this family chose to stop waiting, where that choice was made for me (not really, I made the choice back in July but the agency chose not to listen to me). Oh, and that very important difference - this family was IN PGN, my POA wasn't even registered yet.

Overall, I was much better than I thought I'd be during the program. I was weeping, sobbing out loud is more like it, nodding in agreement and pointing like a mad woman, the entire time this couple was telling their story about Guatemala. Doug just held me and offered me tissues.

I'm NOT alone. This HAS happened to other families (unfortunately). And my feelings are NORMAL after what I've been through. It's one thing for all of you who've been telling me for so many months that what I've been feeling is normal. It's another thing to actually HEAR THE SAME FEELINGS coming from someone you don't know who's unfortunately experienced the same thing. It's amazingly comforting to know I'm not alone. Unfortunately, I'm not alone.

If you want to know agency names, the agency used by the family on this show is named on Guatadopt.com. You can do a search for it. It's not my agency, which means there are many more crooked people out there.

Another snow day

2007-02-26T08:06:00.000-05:00

Which means I'm stuck in the house again. Which means I'll probably blog a lot again today.
* * * * * * * * * *
Protocolo of Good Practices - I know that most of my readers have their children home, so I don't know if you'd keep up with the "news." I find myself doing it less and less these days. But the word this week is that the Protocolo is going to be announced again in congress this week. Some agencies (probably not mine, mine likes to pretend the Internet is a newspaper where you can read but not respond) are sending clients down or bringing attorneys here to sign the Power of Attorney before Thursday. This Thursday. Which means, if I were to get a referral today (not gonna happen) and sent it to one of those places that will notarize and authenticate and everything in one day, there's no way I'd get paperwork filed in time before Friday's announcement. But more importantly, here's yet another scare that Guatemala will stop adoptions. It's terrifying to those people in process, I remember what that's like. When I started this craziness in 05, there was that Oscars Law thing saying that single women wouldn't be allowed to adopt. Then there's the everpresent threat by our own government that they will stop allowing adoptions from Guatemala because of the Hague thing. And of course UNICEF has their hand in there. And Mr. and Mrs. President constantly bringing up this Protocol thing, I can recall it happening four times since the summer. It's like the boy who cried wolf, they keep saying it's happening but it never does so people don't believe it ever will happen. (It's also like that DNA wait I had, the agency kept saying it's happening but it never did, so when I got the authorization and it turned out to be a lie...)

I think adopting from every country has a similar set of risks and rumors. Russia had that when I was looking at Russia. Agencies weren't getting accreditation from the Russian government and there were threats of all Russians hating all adopting Americans and making ugly scenes. China had that when they changed the rules on who they'd permit to adopt. Those rumors were going around for months before they actually said who can and who cannot adopt from China (I can't). Korea has always been very limited on who can and can't adopt, so it seems that's the most stable right now. But there's also the reports that the country is more stable than it was when adoptions first became popular, so there are luckily less children there looking for forever homes. Vietnam always seems to have similar "will-they-won't-they close" situations, families at the mercy of a G&R date (giving and receiving ceremony, which finalizes the adoption in the country). And domestic adoptions have the risks also - will the birth family pick me? Did the birth mother lie about drug and alcohol use during pregnancy? Will someone from the birth family decide to parent 2 years down the road and the child will be taken away?

All of these threats are very real. People totally have a right to be scared that the adoption they've planned on and prepared for will not happen. And it's not just the money that's lost, it's your heart that's lost. A good agency will help their client who's in that predicament. Most agencies will help you find a child to adopt, because that is their job and that is their passion. I've said it many times, we all go into an adoption process thinking it can't happen to us. But it has to happen to someone, we just hope and pray (and secretly know) it won't be us.

If you stumbled upon my blog because you heard I had a nightmare story and want to know how to avoid it yourself, you won't find that in my story. If you want to know how to avoid my nightmare, find out the agency I used and stay away from them. There are many sites that have information on which are the good and bad agencies. This blog isn't about my bad agency, it's about my life. How I wanted to adopt a daughter. How I loved a girl in Guatemala. How I tried to adopt her but was misled. And how I'm dealing now that I can't adopt her.

If you stumbled upon my blog because you're trying to get more information on adoption, you won't find that here either. I don't know how to adopt, in spite of reading like every book and website on the topic for years. (Yes, I know the steps. I've memorized the steps to several countries' process. I just can't seem to do it right. 'Cause I picked a bad agency, which is why I'm suggesting you find out about agencies! Don't assume because you don't see anything that all must be good with your agency. If you see nothing, it's probably because an agency is known for bullying clients so that they don't talk about you at all.)

If you're in process now, don't worry about it. It's all going to work out the way it's supposed to work out. That may not be the way you want it to work out (I know for me it's definitely not the way I wanted it), but it will work out the way it should. (And I'm still searching for "the reason" it happened to me, but I know there was a reason for it.) There are always going to be bumps in the road, you're always going to be second guessing your choices until your child actually comes home. And once your child comes home, there's a whole new meaning to "bumps" and "guesses." This is parenting, after all. It's much easier for me to say "don't worry about it" because it's not me, I know that. And I remember how much it infuriated me when people would say not to worry or to put it in G-d's hands or anything else like that, because I desperately wanted some control over what was happening to me. I'm a complete control freak, and adoption (like parenting) is totally out of my control. And if you go through my blog you'll see how disgusted I was that I was being so manipulated by my agency.

That being said, here's my suggestions for getting through the "country will close" threat:
1. Pick a good agency (most important).
2. Read everything you can about the country and process (cause you'll do that anyway).
3. Communicate with your agency often. Ask how things are. Set up a regular schedule of when you'll be in contact, like once a week or once every other week. I'd caution to say contact day will be on Friday or Monday, though. Monday, the agency will just be collecting thoughts from the weekend and you'll have spent the entire weekend stressing. Friday, the agency will be planning on two days off and if the news isn't good it will send you spiraling for a week. I'd suggest Tuesday or Thursday for a regular communication day.
4. If you get "bad" news about the country, remember that this is what's going on in the country. As horrible as it may seem to us, this is a governmental thing. You wouldn't want to interfere with their laws, even if you don't agree with them. (And remember that in 15 years when you have a teenager questioning your laws, you want to say, "Because I said so," and you don't want them to remind you about how you questioned the laws in "their" country.)
5. If you get "bad" news from the agency, make sure the agency is telling you the truth. (See my first suggestion. A good agency will not lie. They will tell you the bad things and not sugar coat.)
6. If the worst happens, it sucks. Find out why the worst happened, if there was anything that could have been done differently, and try to make sure this won't happen again. And know that if the worst happens and you've hired a good agency, they will make it all right in the end.
* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Agency Director

2007-02-25T12:51:00.000-05:00

Please stop posting new children on your photolisting as "available" when you know FULL WELL that I am able to adopt those children. I'm continually nauseated by your ongoing display of all of the children age 2-7 that my homestudy says I can adopt, yet you DO NOT refer these children to me. Not a single child has been referred to me since I accepted Ingrid's referral, even though I've asked for a new referral IN JULY. J-U-L-Y!

I asked for, even BEGGED YOU for, a new referral of a child I can adopt. A Guatemalan child, from your agency that "specializes" in Guatemalan adoptions. Why won't you LET ME DO what I want? I PAID for your help in facilitating an adoption from Guatemala. I don't know how to make it more clear.

There is a new little girl on your photolisting. She's two years old. Can I find out more about her? PLEASE????? We all know that I'm not thrilled with you or your practices, and we all know that you don't like me. But we also know that I have a contract with your agency that you will help me adopt a child. PLEASE LIVE UP TO YOUR END OF THE CONTRACT, AS I'VE LIVED UP TO MY END OF IT!

The last day

2007-02-23T11:12:00.000-05:00

I tried to do this post last night, but it hit me very very hard. I cried uncontrollably for a while, the first time that's happened in several weeks. I'm even crying now and I've barely started the post.

So the Wednesday of my trip, I again woke up and wrote in my journal before Ingrid got up. We then did the bath-and-shower bit before breakfast. By now the waiters at the Marriott all knew Ingrid and brought her booster seat and fruit platter. She also had a fried egg, but didn't want the bread this day. On our way our of the buffet, she asked if we could take a yogurt for later. And then she even remembered that she'll need a spoon for the yogurt, and she knew we didn't have one in the room.

Now Wednesday was the hardest for me. Not only in hindsight is it the last time I got to hug and kiss my little girl forever, but that was the day I knew she understood what was going on. Early in the day she said, "I have to go home today." I told her I'd be back again. Several times during the day she asked me questions herself about what life will be like when I'm her mom.

"Es tu casa aqui?" Is this really your house? No, this is my house when I'm in Guatemala, but my house is in America. We have a nice house in America, in New York. You've seen pictures of our house, of our cat, of our car, and of your room. She asked me questions about the house, she liked that she'll have her own room with a nice big bed, but she absolutely loved that there are three bathrooms in the house. She'll have her very own big bathtub, like in the hotel. Oh how she loved that!

We spent a lot of time that day in the family room. Met some other families, sent some e-mails (Doug had e-mailed me every day even though he knew I probably wouldn't be able to respond), but mostly we just hung out and played. They had a great puppet theater, and I showed Ingrid how to make a puppet show. She loved it when the babies came in so she could do puppet shows for the babies. They also had a little rocking horse, which she had so much fun on! One of my favorite pictures of Ingrid is with her hair flying and she's riding this horse with such gusto. She did a little bit of regression, crawled into my lap a little, referred to her sippy cup as her "pacha" (I know all Guatemama's know what a pacha is, for the rest of you it just means bottle), and she wanted to lay on the baby activity mats. Totally normal regression for a four year old, let alone the fact that she was the only preschooler in the room and the room was mostly for babies. We watched Barney and she sung the song and gave me the hug and kiss.

We had lunch out by the pool. Ingrid did tell me she didn't want to eat in the restaurant because she didn't like the waiters, I think she was a little uncomfortable with the attention they were giving her. (Totally understandable because of her previous life, not just stranger anxiety.) She got chicken fingers again and I got mini-hamburgers, which we both shared each others' food. Angel came over and talked with us for a while, and Ingrid had a lot of fun playing with Angel. (They were making up names for each other. I forgot the names, though. I think one was Pinky Winky but I don't remember the other.)

After lunch (or maybe while we were waiting, I know we were sitting outside) Ingrid asked me how I get to New York. I told her I take a plane there, and since every 10 minutes or so a plane went overhead she asked me if that was the plane I took. (In my heart, I wonder if she remembers me when she sees a plane overhead.) She asked me how the plane is able to fly like that, and at first I told her it was magic, but then I reconsidered because I didn't want to make her worried about getting on a plane so I said maybe it was some kind of big machine and I really didn't know.

The time came to meet the fosters. We were in the family room, and I told Ingrid it was time to go downstairs. She did not want to go. I didn't think much about it at the time, I just thought she wanted to keep playing. We got down to the lobby and Ingrid made up an excuse to go up to our room, I think she wanted a bandaid or some typical kid excuse. The family met us in the room. I stayed with the foster mom in the room to pack while Ingrid went with the rest of the family to play in the family room. I cried, she gave me some of her family recipes (they're in Spanish and I can't totally read everything, so I'll have to spend a lot of time translating things; something I knew I'd treasure for Ingrid but didn't really plan on ever making these dishes), we packed all of Ingrid's new clothes in the suitcase I got for her. I gave all of her shampoo and bath toys, the coloring books and story books, all of the medicines I brought down "just in case," almost everything I had I gave to the family.

When Ingrid left, and I know I won't be able to do this part justice, I kept trying to be strong and not cry in front of Ingrid. I just didn't want to worry her at all about anything. Remember at this point I thought I was done with Family Court and I thought I would get DNA any day now, and I knew that once I had DNA authorization Ingrid would have to see her first mom and that would add to her confusion. I'm totally going to breeze right over this description, because the image in my head is as clear as a movie I've seen a million times. When she was leaving, Ingrid was looking back and forth between me and the foster mother. You could totally see what she was thinking, how she was trying to make sense of everything. She knew both of us as Mami now, using our first names with each other but just Mami to oour faces. It was as if she was happy to go back with the fosters, but she was also sad to leave me. She didn't want to displease either of us with her reaction to us, like she didn't want to hug me too much because it would make the f-mom feel bad, and she didn't want to be too happy to leave me because it would make me feel bad. I'm telling you, this was totally my child the way she was more concerned with people-pleasing than in actually feeling anything herself! Ingrid took her foster dad's hand and walked to the elevator, turning to face me and wave the entire way. She kept blowing kisses and smiling. After the elevator went down, I went out on the balcony because I knew I'd be able to see the car. The family saw me and Ingrid waved and blew more kisses. I watched until the car was out of sight, the whole time my heart in my throat because the family was letting Ingrid basically stand with her body out of the car to wave and blow kisses. And then the tears came. (Haven't really stopped since.)

* * * * * * * * * *
Thursday morning. Breakfast alone. Packed and ready to go. Confirmed my flight. Did all that boring stuff.

After breakfast, though, an incredible thing happened. I know I've talked about this before, and it's hardly at all my story to tell. I was talking to Angel, basically still crying about not having DNA authorization after so long and not knowing when I'd get it (she didn't have it yet either and was having the same problems as me, or so we thought). Tears dripping down my face, tears in her eyes, and this woman comes over to us and asks if we're Stacy and Angel. It was Betsy, who Angel and I had both planned on meeting anyway. It was just such an incredible moment in my adoption process. I had followed both of their stories. I found Betsy's blog early in my process, before I even picked an agency after I changed countries. She hadn't even met Queen Savanna yet, that would be happening soon. Angel and I met on one of the Yahoo groups, both adopting non-babies. I had kept my blog for a few weeks but didn't give out the address, and I remember being so inspired by Angel's first trip to meet Zoe that I started to give out my blog (and I'm so grateful I did). That moment, standing with two other women who knew exactly what I was going through, and myself knowing exactly what they were going through, it still overwhelms me.

After breakfast I tried calling the foster family. No answer. I called again and again for over an hour. Then I called Doug (he wanted me to call collect, but I didn't; I had to get one of those calling cards to call the family anyway). I was telling him all about Ingrid, how the visit had been perfect and nothing like the summer (although it was not easy taking care of a 4-year old, it was better than I expected all around, every little bit of everything until this point). I told him how he's going to absolutely melt when he meets her, how her personality was such that she simply would not allow him to not fall in love with her. Honestly, this child was meant to be my daughter. While I was on the phone with him, I saw Betsy meet Savanna for the first time. I had seen several families meeting their baby over the previous three days, but this one was special. It's another moment I'll always remember.

After about 90 minutes of calling the fosters, no answer and no machine and no nothing, I finally got through. No, they would not be coming to the hotel. She said that she asked Ingrid if she wanted to go to the hotel to say good-bye to me and Ingrid said no. I did talk to Ingrid on the phone. I asked her if there was anything special she wanted me to send her, and she just told me "regalos" (presents). The last present I sent her was in November. (Remember that by November, I already knew Ingrid couldn't be relinquished even though the agency didn't admit it for another month. There was no way I was going to deprive Ingrid of her presents that I promised her! If the agency would let me, I'd STILL send her presents even though I'll never be able to adopt her. But the agency won't answer me, let alone let me DO anything to help a child!) Several things about that phone call bothered me. First, every bit of my visit, every second with Ingrid, everything was perfect. The tiniest hint that Ingrid wasn't happy is a COMPLETE insult to me and to Ingrid. Angel saw us together, everything was GREAT. Second, if Ingrid didn't want to come back to the hotel it's because she didn't want the anxiety she had in leaving the previous day. She was visibly upset by it, even though she didn't say anything. She was confused. Who was her mother? Why can't she stay with me? Is this Mami Stacy's house or not? What's going on? Totally understandable that given the choice, she's not going to pick a repeat of anxiety! Third, this little girl was four years old. Who offers that kind of choice to a four year old? A four year old, any four year old, is going to just read the cues of the adults around them. Fourth, if Ingrid didn't want anything to do with me, if it was a personal thing, then why would Ingrid WANT to talk to me on the phone? Why would she send kisses like that?

I don't look through my Guatemala journal because I know what I wrote after that phone call. I know how I questioned SO MANY things about the visit. SO MANY things about the foster family, who was petrified to talk with me again because of the "attorney." SO MANY things about my process. I don't want to read that journal, because that last entry is FILLED with things I was starting to see. I listed all of the things that the agency told me that turned out to be lies, or not-really-truths. And that was before the DNA Lie! Before I found out the truth about Family Court. Before I knew the POA was never filed. That's when I started to think this adoption was doomed, sitting in the Guatemala City airport surrounded by the smell of Pollo Campero.

One month and one day later I was told I had DNA authorization. Two months and one day later I was told the cedula would be fixed any day. Three months and one day later I was told the b-mom was going to PGN to explain the cedula. Four months to the day later I hired AS. Nine and a half months later (for those people early on who compared an adoption to a pregancy need to take note of THAT) the agency admitted that Ingrid can never be relinquished for adoption. And one year later, the pain is still as real as it was that day.

The best day E.V.E.R.

2007-02-21T10:28:00.000-05:00

The Tuesday of my trip was definitely the best day. Ever. I woke up and Ingrid was still sleeping. (The room had two beds, and I had planned on each of us sleeping in a separate bed. I thought she'd love having a nice big bed all to herself, and I knew that at home her bedroom already had the same full size bed, and I was still going back-and-forth about keeping that bed in her room or getting a trundle bed for her. She wanted to cuddle, but that was before she decided not to sleep, so eventually after I rocked her to sleep, I did sleep in the separate bed.) While she slept, I wrote a little in my journal. (By the way, I haven't looked at the journal since my trip home. All of this is completely from my memory. I know I'll cry too much looking at the actual journal.)

She woke up slowly and smiled at me, and I went over to her and she let me pick her up for a big hug. Then, with her head still on my shoulder and in her little sleepy voice, she said, "Quiero ir al bano" (I want to go to the bathroom). Then she took her morning bath (bath #3 of her stay), and she colored while I took a shower. Then we went down for breakfast. The waiters were so nice to her, they brought her a booster seat. She wanted a fried egg and two pieces of bread. After a while, the waitress offered to bring her some fruit and her eyes just lit up at all of that beautiful fruit!

After breakfast we went back to the room to get ready for our outing with the fosters. We waited for them outside the hotel for quite a while, singing every song I knew she knew (only three songs! that she had sung for me on the agency videos and I had memorized so I could sing with her). The fosters showed up when we were taking pictures in her Princess Chair (these big chairs outside the Marriott that look like thrones). I think the foster mom was surprised that Ingrid didn't jump out of the chair to run to her, instead she just finished her little photo shoot and then said hello. By today the foster sister was more comfortable with me and gave me hugs and kisses, so I got lots of fun pictures for her family, too. (By the way, she's still not home either. Previo #5.)

We went to the zoo. It was kind of strange, because Ingrid didn't know who was taking care of her, me or the foster mom. I guess we each took turns with Ingrid, and the dad took care of the foster sister mostly. The best part for Ingrid was the Zaboomafoo animals, you know from the Discovery Kids program? I knew all about the Kroft brothers from Jenna, it's one of her favorite shows also. (The Kroft brothers are speaking in NYC next month, and I was going to go to that conference just to see them, but then I knew I already committed to do another presentation and since Ingrid will never even see the pictures of me with the Zaboomafoo guys it didn't seem to matter as much.)

After the zoo, we met up with the younger bio-daughter and we all went to Pollo Campero. Ingrid could not wait to play in their playground! I watched the way she interacted with the other kids and I thought about how much fun she'd have on the local playgrounds with Lexi and Jenna. And the indoor playground places that are now all popular up here (especially with Jenna, so Resa can read a magazine while Jenna plays dress-up all she wants). During lunch we talked some more about Ingrid's new life in America. I invited the family to her Bat Mitzvah (after I explained what it was), and the foster mother was crying because she was so happy I wanted her to be a part of Ingrid's life. The fosters loved the idea that Ingrid would learn to read Hebrew! I reminded them that Ingrid will always be a Spanish-speaker, she will grow up in a bilingual home with lots of books in both languages, and she'll be able to read (but not converse in) Hebrew. The bio-daughter asked me if I would be coming back for another visit, and I said that the next trip would be to bring her home, and the bio-daughter didn't want to hear any more because she was getting too upset at the idea of Ingrid leaving. This family truly loves Ingrid and her foster sister.

After lunch, we went on a little sight-seeing tour in the city. We went to the Presidential Palace, which the foster mom explained was the site of many protests. Apparently earlier that day there had been a protest of local teachers! (The mom was also a former teacher!) We went to the mercado where I got some Guatemala souvenirs (for my classroom and for Ingrid's room), I got each of the girls a doll, and I got Doug some coffee. Back to the plaza by the Palace so that the girls could try and catch a pigeon. This kind of grossed me out, because in Manhattan the pigeons are considered flying rats, but the mom explained that it's good luck if you catch a pigeon. The bio-daughter even caught one when she was little! I got some great pictures of Ingrid chasing after the pigeons. I figured that would be one of the pictures on her Bat Mitzvah video, imagining 9 years down the road when she was a typical Jewish American Princess, seeing herself chasing these flying rats.

The foster sister fell asleep in the car on the way back to the hotel, which was good because she had extreme separation anxiety. Ingrid and I tried to get out of the car very quietly, but she woke up and started to cry again when she realized Ingrid was leaving with me. Ingrid just waved and took my hand to walk back to our room. She kept calling it "nuestro apartamento" (our apartment). We ordered room service that night because it took a long time to get table service the night before, and I really wanted to have a more peaceful night so Ingrid could get better sleep than the previous night. She wanted a grilled cheese sandwich with fruit, and I got molletes (rolls with refried beans, that's served with pico de gallo, sour cream, and guacamole). She put ketchup on her grilled cheese, and even wanted to dunk her fruit in the ketchup! I said that was gross and made a face, which just cracked her up like the previous night's open-mouth trick. I think she regretted putting ketchup on the fruit, but ate it anyway. :-) She asked if the green stuff on my plate was avocado and I said yes, but as I was starting to tell her it was mixed with other spices she took a big spoonful and put it in her mouth and realized it was not plain avocado. Spat it up right in my hand. See, who says you don't get to experience all those things when you adopt an older child???

After dinner Ingrid wanted to take another bath. By this time it was already about 9 PM. I said that was OK as long as she promised to go to sleep right after the bath. And she did! After the bath, she put on her pajamas, we read a book, and she got into bed! Now I'm sure that was more the result of a full day on less than a full night's sleep rather than my awesome parenting skills, but it was pretty cool at the time that it worked!

Woke up with Ingrid. Fell asleep with Ingrid. Only day in my life.

Happy Anniversary

2007-02-20T09:40:00.000-05:00

One year ago today I met Valerie and Henry. It was at breakfast, they were at the table next to me. (Ingrid had come the previous afternoon with her foster parents, but she didn't stay overnight that first day, she only stayed like 2 hours.) I remember being so excited that they had good plantains and black beans at breakfast, so I was excited because I had a toasted roll with leftover beans for breakfast like every day when I lived in Mexico. The waiter asked if I wanted my coffee "americano," which simply meant if I wanted milk with it. Funny how I can remember the specifics of what I ate last year, but I can barely remember this past Saturday. (Oh, yeah, I remember. That was the day from craft hell.)

After breakfast I went back up to my room to get ready more for Ingrid. Her foster family was coming for lunch, and then Ingrid was going to be staying with me. Ingrid, the foster mom, the foster sister, and one of the family's biological daughters arrived first at like 12:30, and the other biological daughter arrived with the dad a little later. I remember when Ingrid first saw me, she ran to me and jumped into my arms. The foster sister (only 2 years old) kept looking at me strange, like she knew she didn't know who I was but she didn't understand why everyone else was hugging and kissing me hello. I sat next to Ingrid. We all had the buffet. The foster mom picked out Ingrid's food, because she said she knew what Ingrid liked to eat. (She didn't eat a lot, just some soup and a little bit of chicken, but she did enjoy her cake for dessert. The foster sister, on the other hand, ate a lot. She even had seconds! The family called her "la gordita," which sounds really mean but it's a term of endearment.) The biological daughters asked me a lot of questions about what Ingrid's life will be like in America, about school and playing and the house (they had seen the pictures). The foster mom asked me about the snow and how the car is able to start when it's that cold. (I'm so spoiled, only ever had new cars that I purchased. The longest I've ever kept a car is 7 years, never even reached 100,000 miles.) After lunch, the fosters left and Ingrid stayed with me. She was excited to stay.

First thing we did was went up to the room where she checked out all of her clothes. I picked a bathing suit for her (I bought three!), the one with the little hula skirt because I thought it was just so cute. And Valerie had told me it was kind of cold in the pool and I wanted a picture of Ingrid in that suit in case she decided the pool was too cold to go in again. We got to the pool, and who was there but Angel, Kaitlyn, Zoe, and Polka Dot! Ingrid had a hard time with the pool because she wanted to show me her swimming but the pool wasn't really meant for 4 year olds. There was either the baby pool (too shallow for my big girl) or the adult pool (no way for her to stand on her own). Plus, she hated the hula skirt. We stayed at the pool less than half an hour.

Back to the room. She picked out her own outfit, I had gotten her like ten outfits and the first one she chose herself was the pink Yankees outfit. I think it's because it had the most pink, but lets just say it's because it said "Yankees." :-) Back down to the lobby, we were waiting to exchange money and I saw Valerie again. I introduced her to Ingrid (because when we talked during breakfast I was childless). Valerie said, "Oh, you're Waiting for Ingrid?" She had read my blog, and I thought that was just the coolest thing ever.

Ingrid and I played in the room, we colored, we did bubbles, and she took two baths. During the second bath, she wanted me to take pictures because she was having so much fun in a real bathtub! We did bubbles in the bath, she had a bubble bath but wanted me to blow bubbles also because that's what the foster mother called a bubble bath (burbujas = bubbles). We went back down to the restaurant for dinner. Ingrid got chicken fingers (deditos de pollo) and fries. She tried to show me her food to make me laugh, so I told her we were going to pretend we're elegant ladies having dinner (damas elegantes). Ingrid would say, Yo soy una dama elegante, and then show me all of her food in her mouth and giggle. Yes, she was definitely a little parentified in the way she took care of Karen, but she was happily still just a four year old.

After dinner we watched TV and colored some more. She did not want to go to sleep! At one point, she asked me to watch TV. She said, "Quiero ver tele" (I want to watch TV), and I said, "Pues, yo quiero dormir" (well, I want to sleep). She's so smart! She said, "Tu duermes y yo miro tele" (You sleep and I'll watch TV). Eventually I just picked her up and walked her around the room for a few minutes, rocking her. She put her head on my shoulder and fell asleep. A four year old, I got to rock her to sleep. Adopting an older child, I didn't think I'd get that chance, but I did.

* * * * * * * * * *
Good news, Betsy. The "fire" is back.

February 9

2007-02-10T09:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was another bad day for me. Yes, you know that. You read the blog. Some days are just harder than others. There hasn't been an "easy" day for me since February 21, 2006. That was the day I woke up with Ingrid and fell asleep with her. The only complete 24 hour period I had to be her mother. Kind of ironic that on February 21, 2007, I will defend my dissertation proposal and move to another stage in my process. (At least ONE process for me has moved along!)

So I checked the blog for last year at this time. This was my entry for February 9, 2006:
Blogger Buddies
I have the BEST blogger buddies imaginable! Thank you so much for helping me remember I'm not alone in all of this. Thanks for your supportive comments and your encouragement, and most of all your friendship. I can't wait until ALL of our children are home!

All of your children are home now.

And then I checked the blog for the previous post, to see why I would have needed support and encouragement. (But then again, really, when have I NOT needed support and encouragement when dealing with corruptness?) Seems that I had posted one of the e-mails from the agency and made comments about the e-mail. It was about how it was 2 months since I sent in my DNA and I was still waiting for authorization. And then some stuff about the lines at the embassy and blah blah. Eh, who cares if the agency doesn't like it. They sure won't yell at me if I repost it, since THEY WON'T ACKNOWLEDGE ME! And please remember, I AM STILL THEIR PAYING CLIENT. P-A-Y-I-N-G C-L-I-E-N-T. Like in the e-mails that she would send to Adoption Supervisors, admonishing them for conning me. (No, AS did NOT con me. AS showed me the truth that the agency was conning me.) I love it when Joanne's words come back to bite her in the butt.

OK, let's repost the e-mail from February 8. (Told ya, I save everything.) The comments are NOT the original comments I posted last year. They are with the advantage of hindsight. And of knowing I wasn't overanxious needlessly - I was RIGHT to be concerned because the agency was LYING.
I will send you the Traveling to Guatemala email again. Sorry you did not get it the first time. That's cause you never sent it the first time.

We are all anxious to get the DNA test authorization and every attorney has been screaming to get the Embassy to work faster. We have a messenger that stands in line all day long hoping to get in to the Embassy to submit the papers. The E is not consistent at all with the number of cases they accept each day. Usually they have the messengers sign on a log the day before to get a number to be seen the following day. Well last week they barely got through the numbers for Tuesday by Friday! So this week they gave out all the numbers for the entire week on Monday. We are number 80 and they were only on number 30 as of yesterday! We are calling the messenger at least 5 times a day asking what number they are on, I am sure we are driving him crazy. Someone even brings him lunch in the line every day!!!! OF course the agencies are ready to storm the Embassy. It is taking 5 days to get a Pink Slip (at the end of the case so the family can travel) when it is suppose to only take two. The list of issues is endless but right now we just need your DNA authorization. This part is true. Confirmed by AS that there were changes and lines and chaos at the Embassy around this time. We have five other clients that are waiting waiting waiing. I have no way of knowing how many clients were really waiting. However, I do know I was not one of the waiting clients. The sister's case had already been kicked out for the two cedulas. The agency, or at least Thanassis, already knew there was a problem. Therefore, I was not waiting. Additionally, we now know my Power of Attorney had not been registered yet. Therefore, I was not waiting. I am sorry that we did not keep you informed of the long lines etc, of course we kept thinging manana, manana we will have the DNA auth. You did not keep me informed of more than the long lines. You did not keep me informed of the problems with this case. It's a little nauseating now to realize how much you had me conned. How I believed that you really felt like I would have DNA authorization manana. How I really thought you were looking out for my interests. You weren't, you were just trying to shut me up and keep off of your back.

You can go and have a nice visit, we have no doubt that all will be fine. This part I said last year, too: "You were also sure I'd have DNA authorization by last Friday. And on the video taken four weeks ago, you said you were getting it. Sure, I trust you. I'm also willing to buy that bridge connecting Brooklyn and Manhattan. " I'm sorry, I'm no longer interested in buying that bridge. I now know the bridge crumbled right after it was built. If you want to wait for the visit you can do that too. We really expect the authorizaiton this week or Monday at the worse case. We expect. Do I really NEED to comment on this part?

If the DNA auth comes this week then we will rush the DNA test. We would rather not do the test when you are there as it takes Ingrid away for almost a whole day. We will work around it. You totally knew I wasn't getting authorization. And I know this part isn't true, either, since my friend's baby was taken for a few hours to have DNA authorization during a visit trip. Same agency. Here you are, lying to me again, trying to show me that you are SO wonderful and SO sympathetic to me that you don't want to take Ingrid away from me for a whole day. I know that's not true - you just didn't want me to think you weren't doing anything to move my case along. And you weren't doing anything to move my case along. As I said, I believe my complete dossier is still in your "office."

I'm constantly torn between my ANGER AND HATRED and my DESIRE FOR REVENGE, compared to my intense DESIRE and NEED to be a mother and LOVE A CHILD that is waiting for a family. Do I expend my energy dealing with YOU and your HORRIBLE ways? Or do I suck it up and delve into another case? Well, the truth is, you've hurt me SO BADLY, you've destroyed my heart so much, you've taken away the trust I had in adoption, so much that I'm TERRIFIED to do this again. I'm TOO AFRAID that another agency will con me like you did. And down inside, my fragile ego is still still saying in a tiny little voice that you did nothing wrong, that it was G-d's plan for me not to become a mother. BUT IN MY HEART I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE. In my HEAD, logically, I know that's not true. This was YOUR fault. YOU did this to me. THANASSIS did this to Ingrid and her birth family.

G-d would NOT have put this love in my heart to watch me suffer like this. G-d led me to Grisha because I needed to see that my child wasn't in Eastern Europe. He needed to show me that I could not just open my heart to a child because the CHILD needed a family. I needed to understand that I had some control, that this was MY family I was creating, and I couldn't just accept a child who needed a family. I had to accept the child that was right for MY family. He wanted me to be a little more selfish than I was being when I started this journey.

And then He led me right to Ingrid. Not right to YOU, and technically not right to Ingrid. But the story goes, I asked about older children (like 4 year old girls) from Guatemala, someone responded that her agency posted two 4-year old girls that very morning. I did NOT sign with you from your photolisting. I didn't even think Ingrid was available when I signed with you anyway. I signed with you because YOU ARE A PHENOMENAL ACTRESS, and you totally had me believing that you love these children and you took pleasure in helping people create their families in Guatemala. I spoke to you for 30 minutes, while I stood outside my school on my cell phone, with tears in my eyes, believing I was talking to the woman who would introduce me to my daughter. YOU CONNED ME. And even then, I still considered OTHER agencies!!! You were not my first choice, but you won me over with your con job. Congratulations, because now I see your joy is not creating families, but in making money. You did that. You got lots of money from me. You should be proud of yourself, since I'm a pretty smart person and you managed to trick me.

So now I have to find my purpose. My first purpose is to try and see that you cannot do this to more families. Potential adoptive parents are just so desperate, and we're unfortunately willing to believe anything an agency tells us. After all, you're the expert, you've done this before and you know what you're doing but I'm totally new to this. And by the time we see a picture (and a video, and more pictures, and more videos, and meet this child, and show the child off to everyone we've ever met, and named the child, and decorated a child's room), we're TAKEN with the idea that THIS IS OUR CHILD. We know that the child is not legally ours, and we realize the birth mother may decide to parent. (And in two years, I've only heard of ONE family that resented the birth mother who decided to parent. Everyone else was heartbroken, but happy for the baby who will grow up with love.) But we're bonding with a picture, and that parental instinct takes over and we are willing to do (and believe) ANYTHING to bring our baby home. That's how you get us to believe your lies, even when your stories don't make any sense. That's how you get us to pay extra surprise fees (or to some people you even call them bribes). That's not acceptable. That's also not legal.

My second purpose is to try and make sure Thanassis can't do this to any more children. I'm not the first person to target him, and unfortunately I know I won't be the last. But I will lend my voice and my story to that fight, to stop this man. (I understand he is quite charming in person, even giving money to the children on the street. But in my heart, I can't help but question him giving money to these children as a way to convince the birth mother to relinquish them. I do think that's how he got Ingrid, but I have no proof of that.)

My third purpose is for me. I don't know what that is, but there must be something. The other purposes, they were born out of revenge. They were not born out of my desire to protect children, to love a child like no one else can, to mother a motherless daughter.

One year later

2007-01-23T07:13:00.000-05:00

This was my post for Monday, January 23, 2006.

The subject was Eres tu mi mama?

Today we had a snow delay. Total frustration, because I was supposed to give a test last Thursday but was told to wait until Monday because of state exams last Tuesday and Wednesday. (I teach 7th grade, 8th grade was still testing on Thursday and Friday, still not totally sure why I couldn't give the test at least on Friday.) Wake up this morning to see snow everywhere, and lots of districts in my area closed altogether. We had a 2-hour delay, which means 30 minute classes. Not enough time for a full period test. I decided not to start the next unit's vocabulary, but to show a video from the next unit instead. The unit is called Descriptions, and I show the video Eres Tu Mi Mama during that unit because there's a lot of vocabulary students will know.

OK, all that is boring stuff. The video is the Spanish version of the classic Dr. Seuss book (really written by P.D. Eastman), "Are you my mother?" Right there in the middle of class, sitting in the back of the room, I pictured Ingrid watching this video (since it's in Spanish) and there's me, her mother. Too much!

I also realized that my final exam for the two courses I'm taking now will be on May 11th. That's the 30-day mark for my child care leave. Again, another thing to worry about IF I'm so lucky to get a date to bring her home!!!!Anyone hear anything about DNA today?

So here it is, Tuesday, January 23, 2007. And what has changed?

Well, last Tuesday and Wednesday the entire school took those state exams. This year I WAS allowed to give my test on Friday of that week.

This morning I woke up to snow. Not much, not anywhere enough to cause a delay. Just a dusting.

Today I start the Descriptions unit (also referred to as Family Unit). Yesterday I showed that Are you my mother video. I didn't sit in the back of the classroom watching it, instead I sat at my desk grading the test. And I didn't picture Ingrid watching it, and I definitely didn't think about being her mother.

I remember that final exam. I cried that day, knowing it was the 30-day mark until the end of school (and I have a friend who went out on maternity leave that day). But at least I had my visit trip to look forward to on that day; the trip wasn't cancelled until two days before I was to leave. And now today I realize there's no way I'll be able to defend my proposal on January 31, like I wanted to. Maybe February 5, but definitely not January 31. I'd have to have the proposal to my other advisors by tomorrow, and I still have a touch more editing to do (two pages to delete from that stupid lit review that took me forever to write in the first place).

And I just got more angry about this process. Anger. No longer anxious, just angry. Angry that the agency doesn't respect me enough to tell me the truth. Angry that they lied to me for months about Family Court. Angry that they just didn't tell me all they knew, for months. Angry that they let me wait, angry that they made me wait, angry that they blamed me for it all. I hired THEM, I hired an adoption agency with years of experience, to help me with this journey. I trusted them. I asked their opinion. And instead, they used it all against me. They told me that I should know better. HOW EXACTLY should I know better? If I asked for your opinion on if I should wait, YOU are the EXPERIENCED professional. YOU knew so much more than you were telling me, but you LET me believe what I wanted to believe. A sin of omission is still a LIE, in addition to your outright lies. Your website is a LIE. You have MANY lies on that website, you may want to cough up some of that money you get from desperate parents at the end of their process (I think you call it a bribe to get the case out of PGN, that's what you say in your mass e-mails that you're not above paying a bribe) and get your website updated with the truth. Including your "new" agency name.

And then I realized how much IN CONTROL I am. You may say I've been too emotional during this process, but I amaze myself at how I've handled your lies and deceptions and intimidations. Let's remember that I believed for 11 months that my Power of Attorney was on file. I believed I was waiting for DNA authorization until the END of March. I believed I was OUT of Family Court from February until June, when I eventually hired AS and found out so many of your lies. I actually believed I was waiting for Ingrid until July. And then I actually believed you would give me another referral until you started this "we can give you a refund" nonsense. Give me a refund already! It's been over a month since you said you would. Now you just ignore me. Apparently your attorney is worse than mine, since he hasn't responded to an e-mail I sent you over two weeks ago YET. An e-mail which provided information from YOUR contract, showing how you did not follow it. An e-mail which included information about how you went against US Embassy mandate by using Thanassis (but then again, you have a history of working with banned people in Guatemala, don't you?). And an e-mail which included a legal document from Guatemala showing how long you've lied to me about the POA. Which part of that did I not get correct, since it was ALL documented? I'm a researcher, honey, I know how to site my sources.

Finally a response

2007-01-12T06:42:00.000-05:00

I asked the agency for a new referral or a refund. This was their response, four days later.

"I have forwarded this follow up note to our legal counsel and will wait to hear from them. We want to get you either a child or a refund or something so you can be done with this too."

My legal counsel takes about 5 hours to respond when I e-mail them. Let's see how fast their legal counsel is.

Let me restate for the record here: I would like to adopt a child from Guatemala. As Ingrid is not able to be relinquished, I would like another referral. (Another child is NEVER a replacement for one that was lost. Please stop using the term "replacement referral." There can be no replacement for Ingrid, but there can be a child that is meant to be MY child.) Thank you.

It's over

2006-12-11T17:14:00.000-05:00

Fire and Rain, by James Taylor
(changed lyrics appear in parentheses)

Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone.
(Ingrid), the plans they made put an end to you.
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song,
I just can't remember who to send it to.
I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again.

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus, You've got to help me make a stand.
You've just got to see me through another day.
My body's aching and my time is at hand and I won't make it any other way.
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again.

Been walking my mind to an easy time, my back turned towards the sun.
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around.
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come.
Sweet dreams and (toys and books) in pieces on the ground.

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
but I always thought that I'd see you baby, one more time again, now.

Thought I'd see you one more time again.
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now.
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you, fire and rain, now.

Goodbye to you, by Michelle Branch
Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last (fourteen months) were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star

Goodbye to you, by Patti Smyth
(Yes, I know it's really a break-up song. Lyrics still fit.)

Those times I waited for you seem so long ago
I wanted you far too much to ever let you go
You know you never got by your fear to choose
And I guess I never could stand to lose
It's such a pity to say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

Could I have loved someone like the one I see in you
I remember the good times baby now, and the bad (agency) times too
These last few (months) of holding on
The days are dull, the nights are long
Guess it's better to say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

'Cause baby it's over now
No need to talk about it
It's not the same
My love for you's just not the same
And my heart, and my heart
And my heart can't stand the strain
And my love, and my love
And my love won't stand the pain
And my heart, and my heart
And my heart can't stand the strain
And my love, and my love
And my love...

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

Now, could I have loved someone like the one I see in you
Yeah, I remember the good times baby now, and the bad (agency) times too
These last few weeks of holding on
The days are dull, the nights are long
Guess it's better to say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

Goodbye baby
So long darling
Goodbye to you

She finally admitted that Ingrid cannot be adopted. Not by me, not by anyone. She admitted the other case is stuck with no end in site. She will not give me another referral. I've NEVER said what agency I used on this blog. NEVER publicly said my agency, since all of the lies and everything else happened. I never said the name of the person who has been intimidating me since July, when she found out I hired Adoption Supervisors. I do not hold her or Thanassis (yes, the banned facilitator) responsible for not being able to bring Ingrid home to me. I understand that sometimes unexpected things like this happen when you're dealing with international adoption. I understand that I took a risk. I do not blame anyone for that.

I do blame people for not being able to facilitate an adoption for me. I paid an attorney, who it turned out what not really an attorney but rather a banned facilitator that I would have NEVER consented to working with. The facilitator matched me with a child when it was unclear if that child could have been adopted or not. I do blame the facilitator for not checking that this child could be adopted before she was referred.

I paid an agency to facilitate an adoption. They were supposed to work with reputable attorneys in Guatemala. They did not. They were supposed to communicate with me on the adoption process. They did not. They were supposed to visit Guatemala every four weeks (according to their own website). They did not. They were supposed to help me with my homestudy. They did not. As a matter of fact, they tried to sabotage my homestudy update. There were many things they should have done, but did not do. If you've followed my blog, even since I've had to hide most details after the intimidation techniques used after I hired Adoption Supervisors, you know how terribly I've been treated during this process. I do blame the agency for not being able to facilitate an adoption for me, which is what I paid them to do. I do blame them for intimidating me. I do blame them for what has happened since they have known about the two cedulas.

This has been the WORST year of my life. My mother died when I was 13, and I watched her suffer for 13 years. This is worse. My father died of a brain tumor. He suffered almost an entire year, it was horrible, but this is worse. I have been made to feel crazy, unstable, unreasonable, impatient, pushy, irresponsible, unethical, and WRONG. Well, I'm not. I haven't been wrong. The ONLY thing I did wrong was trust this agency.

What do I have to lose? I've already lost Ingrid. I've lost thousands of dollars to the agency, as well as a Homestudy, a homestudy update, two adoption physicals, fingerprinting fees, INS fees, dossier authentication and certification and blessing-by-the-Pope. I spent money traveling to Guatemala in February, car service, airfare, hotel, food. I lost money when my May trip was cancelled three days before I was to leave. I bought gifts for 9 trips the agency took and mailed the packages across the country so they would get there. I bought gifts for my own two trips. I hired Adoption Supervisors because I didn't trust the agency, and that turns out to have been the best (and least expensive) thing I did in relation to this adoption.

And I'm heartbroken. And what will happen to Ingrid? At the end of the e-mail from the agency, they remind me how bad they feel for Ingrid. It seems like they are trying to tell me I shouldn't be selfish and think about all the money I've lost for this adoption, but remember that a little girl's future is at stake. There's no need to remind me of that. THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY DAUGHTER. In my heart, she's still my daughter.

Looking Back

2006-12-09T19:37:00.000-05:00

This was the blog entry I posted at 1:49 PM on December 9, 2005.

Phone Call to Guatemala
I just got off the phone with Ingrid. Yes, I got to talk to her! She definitely knew who she was talking to. We talked about the clothes she got (she really liked the skirt), what color she likes (red was a yes, but didn't offer her favorite color), what she likes to do (play with Karen). She was very excited about Santa Claus coming soon. She told me she sang and danced for me on the video. I told her she's very pretty.

What did I learn from this conversation?

It's very tiring talking on the phone to a four year old. You're totally talking to yourself.
I understand her when she talks.
She understands me when I talk.
She likes the stuff I got for her.
She's very polite.
The foster family will not ask for anything. The daughter said the girls have all they need. I figured that would happen, as they don't want to seem like they aren't taking good care of the children. It would have been nice to know if Ingrid would like a toothbrush or something like that, though.
The foster family really cares about the children.
Ingrid also goes by the name Jeaneth. That's what the daughter said when she asked if I wanted to talk to her. I asked if she goes by Ingrid or Jeaneth, and she said Ingrid Jeaneth. Accent on the first I in Ingrid but saying them with the Spanish pronunciation like an E, Jeaneth sounds like Janet.
I'm not lying or making things up for my students when I tell them that Santa Claus in Central America is Santa Claus. That's exactly how Ingrid said it. Santa, and then made sure I understood by saying Santa Claus, pronounced Clah-os like they would in Spanish.

SO CUTE! I'm absolutely flying right now! Maybe this adrenaline will help me shovel the rest of the driveway. Best snow day EVER

Since Blogger is posting pictures today

2006-12-08T20:28:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of me, taken one year ago today. Can you tell where I am? Can you tell what I'm doing? Hmmm... (Hint: It's not my dissertation!)

A sad anniversary

2006-11-18T08:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was 13 months since I accepted the referral of Ingrid. Tomorrow will be nine months since I first met her in person. Today is one year since Ingrid's birth sister first went into PGN.

What Hurts The Most, by Rascal Flatts

2006-11-03T09:02:00.000-05:00

I can take the rain
On the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
And I just let ‘em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin’ on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’
What could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain
Of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile
When I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away
All the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

Not seein’ that lovin’ you
That’s what I was trying to do
Oooo, Oooo, Oooo –

Feliz Cumpleanos

2006-10-29T09:22:00.000-05:00

Hoy es el cumpleanos de Ingrid. Tiene cinco anos. Cuando llego a la casa de la ninera, tenia tres anos. Y hoy, cinco. No es "toddler." Es "nina."

Y no es mi nina.

Feliz cumpleanos, munequita.

(See, I really do speak Spanish.) Today is Ingrid's birthday. She's five. When she first arrived at her foster home, she was three. And now, five. She's not a toddler. She's a little girl. And she's not my little girl. Happy birthday, baby doll.

Remember the "old blog"?

2006-10-28T09:12:00.000-05:00

Remember, before I deleted everything? Remember how I used to talk about avoiding studying for my comprehensive exams? Good times.

Well, seems like I've moved on. Now that I've passed the comprehensive exams (just as I predicted, all 23 of us passed), I'm now officially a Doctoral Candidate. Big whoop. All But Dissertation, good enough for me. I was so excited at the idea of just being a doctoral student that I went out and purchased a new $200 Coach bag to carry my stinkin' books! (Turns out the leather made it too heavy to actually carry with all the books I needed, though.) So now that I'm ABD, I'm now a candidate and not just a student. And that means I really have to work on the dissertation.

During our very first class, the professor kept shouting out "Great dissertation idea!" at every statement. Come on, it was our FIRST class (out of 15 classes). I wasn't sure I was going to stick around for class #2, let alone the dissertation! I didn't need a dissertation idea, I needed a clue on how to actually do my paper for that one class!

A year and 18 credits later (and my fantastic new boyfriend Doug), we were told to prepare the first chapter to our dissertation. WHAT? Excuse me? I still didn't finish half of this program, and now you want me to write 20% of my final exam? Are you serious? I think three people had the chapter completed when that was first assigned.

Another year later, by now we're at 13 completed classes (after my summer experience and several months into Waiting for Ingrid, preparing for my visit trip), we're assigned Dissertation Advisors. What's your topic, Stacy?

My what? My topic? For what? Ooohhh, for the dissertation. I've been so busy trying to find a child to adopt that I forgot to really pick a topic! Well, I started the program wanting to study the effects of technology on foreign language classes. I found some related studies, but there's an entire doctoral program on that topic at another university (where my sister had just finished her Bachelor's degree, by the way), so I'm probably not well qualified for that study. I can do technology or I can do language acquisition, those are my areas of expertise. If I do technology, I have to find the theories on my own because our Instructional Technology class had almost NO theory in it and frankly, wasn't much good. If I do language acquisition, I'm pretty much limiting my options for a position as Curriculum Developer, since my Bachelors and Masters are both in language fields. I wanted my doctorate to prove I can do other things. So I went with the technology option.

Months go by and I can't figure out a viable research question. Something about students' outside technology use affecting their literacy skills? Something about how teachers effectively integrate technology? Something about blogging? All good ideas and worth looking into, but nothing really dissertation material.

And then came The Lie. I kept trying and trying to come up with a dissertation topic. I kept trying and trying to get some news about my adoption process. I kept trying and trying to call Ingrid in Guatemala (like the director told me to do, but the foster mother said she was afraid of the attorney). I kept trying and trying to do the right thing in my classes and teach children then way I knew best. I kept trying and trying to raise money to hire Adoption Supervisors. My head hurt from banging it against so many proverbial walls. Eventually, I just caved and went with the language acquisition topic. It was easier, people comment about how at ease I am when I describe the related phenomena, and the program coordinator (that first professor who kept shouting "Great idea" three years ago) said it was OK.

So I have my topic. And I even did a few papers during my coursework on related topics (that's what you're supposed to do, so you have a literature base available when you start your actual dissertation, and that's why they want you to pick a topic so early in the program). I'm going to explore Heritage Language Learners' literacy skills in the traditional Spanish classroom. The program coordinator gave me a study on gifted ed, seeing how teachers differentiate for gifted students. (My hypothesis treats HLL ability similar to a gift or talent.) I really liked that idea.

Dissertation Advisor (the one who got hit by the car last week) wanted more. He had another good idea. He thought I should compare programs for HLL, seeing if there were a difference in reading scores (reading in Spanish) if students went through a Spanish for Native Speakers course compared to being in a traditional Spanish class. So, I spent the past month looking for literature on the latter (there's A LOT on the former). And what did I find?

Nada. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Just as I thought (and the program coordinator agreed, which is why she gave me the idea, her husband is a Spanish teacher also), there aren't really any studies of HLL in the traditional Spanish class. Everything is on what should be done, or attitude surveys, or parent opinion pieces, or just being in a Native Speaker class. Nothing about teachers, only ONE study done at the middle school level, nothing within the regular Spanish class.

So I met with New Professor (she's new to the school and volunteered to meet with me and another of the Dissertation Advisor's protogees while he recovers), and she totally agrees that I need to focus on the regular class. She's another of the differentiation-type people (differentiation = adapting the lesson to meet varying degrees of student need). Program coordinator differentiates based on gifted/talented identification, New Professor differentiates based on Learning Styles preference (do you prefer light or dark? snacking? music or quiet? group or alone?), I'll differentiate based on language ability. So again, I think I have a topic for my dissertation.

I set aside four uninterrupted hours today to work on the dissertation. Nothing else to do but write (since I've already collected so many articles and books and have so many notes).

Can you then explain why I'm writing this blog post for one half hour of that four-hour uninterrupted block of time?

Wonder why the "Year In Review" updates stopped?

2006-10-22T19:48:00.000-05:00

Because I didn't get any communication from the agency for those days!! Notice the dates in the following correspondance:

Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2005 17:37:18 -0400
From: (Agency which still has NEVER been named on this blog)
Subject: Re: I-600A
To: (My e-mail address)

Sorry for the delay...you will have the POA by Tuesday. I need to get the proper spelling of the atty name so we do the Power of Atty correctly the first time. Thanks

-----Original Message-----
From: Stacy B
To: (Still unnamed agency)
Sent: Wed, 19 Oct 2005 06:29:36 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: I-600A
Hi, Joanne. I didn't get this yet. I'd like to be able to print it before I leave school today (about 6 PM) so I can have it notarized on my way to work tomorrow, and then take it to the County Clerk before I go away for the weekend first thing on Friday morning and mail it off to the state.
Thanks.
Stacy

(the agency) wrote:
I will do up the Power of Attorney for you right away and email it by nightfall.

Anyone else find this a bit strange, avoidance behavior at it's finest?

It took at least three days (probably four, because why would I have sent out an e-mail at 6:30 AM unless it was something I hadn't gotten the day before) to get "right away" completed.
Now that I think about it, wasn't that "nightfall" supposed to be the 17th, the day I accepted the referral? It took five days for nightfall to come?
You don't know the spelling of your attorney's name? According to your own published information, your advertisements about your agency, you only work with four attorneys. You don't know their names? Or the spelling of the names? Why don't you just have them posted in your office? It's FOUR names!!! I know the names AND correct spelling of all 120+ of my students. It's not a talent, I just wrote them down in my grade book so I can access them whenever I want. Matter of fact, I also have them on my home computer. And the school network is available on a secured server on the Internet. And you can't get one of four names? Are you sure that it's you had to get the correct spelling, and not that you needed to find out which name to put? Because which name to put may take five days. Getting the correct spelling of someone you've worked with for years, that doesn't take five days.

And one year ago today, I made my first Ingrid purchases. I got her two outfits at the Hershey Outlets. I tried to post pictures of the outfits (and Ingrid wearing them), but as usual Blogger isn't cooperating. One outfit was tan and white, there was an adorable tan bucket hat that Ingrid just LOVED, and a skirt and blouse. The other outfit was this mix-and-match set that I got every piece to, all pink and white (cause a girl has to have pink). A sweatshirt, pants, skirt, shirt, socks, and headbands. One of the socks Ingrid left in the drawer during my visit trip (it was the outfit she wore when the foster family dropped her off to stay with me), and the next day the foster mother asked about the sock. ONE sock! Maybe socks in Guatemala don't get lost the same way socks up here do. I did mail the sock back in my next package. But in the meantime, I know it's corny, but I carried that sock in my school backpack. Just knowing it was on her little foot, that it had her stinky foot odor (just kidding, her feet smelled sweet like sugar), it just made me feel like my daughter left her sock in my bag. Like a real family.

One year, I should have known

2006-10-18T04:51:00.000-05:00

Date: Tue, 18 Oct 2005 13:39:36 EDT
Subject: Re: I-600A
In a message dated 10/18/2005 11:05:07 AM Eastern Daylight Time, maestra46@yahoo.com writes:
The INS usually wants one original (homestudy) that is just notarized. You need to get one from (homestudy agency) for us and one for the INS. List Guatemala City as the embassy and the service center is your local INS office. Leave all info regarding dates blank.

I will do up the Power of Attorney for you right away and email it by nightfall.

(By the way, I didn't get the Power of Attorney until October 25.)

One year since I said yes

2006-10-17T04:56:00.000-05:00

Wanna laugh? I can use a good laugh.

This is one of the six e-mails I received from my agency a year ago today. The first was telling me she'd send pictures soon, the second was the pictures, the third was telling me she'll fax information, the fourth was telling me she faxed the information, this was the fifth, and the sixth was telling me how excited she was for me.

Get ready to laugh. Oh, and I was asked by the agency not to comment about the e-mails they send me that I post on this blog, so I will no longer be adding my personal comments in another color. All of the bold and underlined were done by the agency. And one more thing, my I-171H was faxed to the agency on December 3, and my completed dossier arrived on December 12. So according to the agency, I've only been waiting a little over 10 months.

Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 13:52:17 EDT
Subject: Fwd: Steps to Adoption - October 2005

From: (agency)
Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 13:51:59 EDT
Subject: Steps to Adoption - October 2005

Each and every case is handled the same but each and every case will be processed differently from another. Your case might go through the Family Court process very quickly only to get bogged down in the PGN court. Another case might be slowed down in the DNA process while going through the PGN court in record time!

Please be assured that we are monitoring each case on a daily basis. We are constantly in contact with the attorney to be sure that they are following up on your case. The following is a list of the steps for your case.

The timelines are estimates and can be affected by workload, strikes, bad moods and good luck and bad luck. We will advise you of any significant delays or issues if they occur.

Please remember that in between each step the file needs to be picked up, logged, re-packaged and then taken to the next step. As a result each step is not handled the very next day after the previous step. The good news is that some of the steps can and will be completed, or at least started, at the same time.

REMINDER----- DAY ONE counts the day we have the INS clearance (I-171h) and the Dossier in our office. We can start the case with one or the other as long as it does not take too long to get the other.

10 STEPS TO YOUR ADOPTION

STARTING YOUR CASE
· Your dossier is sent to the attorney in Guatemala via FedEx.
· The entire dossier is translated into Spanish for the courts.
· The case is presented to the Ministry of External Relations. The Ministry of External Relations registers the case and certifies all the documents.
· This takes about 2-3 weeks.

DNA TEST
· The attorney submits the Request for the Authorization for the DNA test to be administered. You must have your INS I-171H to get the authorization.
· The Embassy issues the Authorization for the DNA test.
· The attorney will fax the Authorization to our office.
· We send your Payment Authorization to Labcorp who will process the DNA test
· The lab will send a receipt showing payment to our office
· We send the paid receipt to the attorney.
· The attorney can now make an appointment with one of only three approved doctors to administer the DNA test.
· This takes about 1-2 weeks.

· The birth mother and the child will be tested.
· The specimens will be sent to Labcorp via express mail
· The test will be administered.
· This takes about 1 week.

· The results will be faxed to our office. We will email you.
· The certified and notarized results will be sent to the US Embassy in Guatemala.
· The Embassy will open a case review of the adoption file. They are ensuring that all of the documents are in order.
· The Embassy will release the case once they are satisfied that all is in order. This is called the CONSENT
· This takes about 4 weeks.

The Embassy can call the Birth Mother into the Embassy for a personal interview at any time. They claim that these interviews are done randomly. This will not stop your case but it will slow it down as the Embassy will not approve the case to go on until they have had the interview which can take several weeks to schedule and complete.

FAMILY COURT
· The case will be presented to the Family Court.
· A Social Worker will be assigned to the case.
· The Social Worker will arrange for an interview with the birth mother.
· The Social Worker will arrange for an interview with the foster mother to see the child.
· The Social Worker will prepare a report for the courts.
· The Family Court judge will approve the case to continue.
· This takes about 5-6 weeks.

Some of the attorneys will tell us when the interview is and others do not. We are tracking it and following up so as soon as we know, we will let you know.

PROCURADURIA COURT (PGN)
· The case will be presented to the Procuraduria Court (PGN).
· A PGN attorney will be assigned to very carefully review your case file. The PGN attorney can ask for any additional documentation from the attorney or from the adopting family. NO information is given out about the case when it is in PGN until it is either released or sent back for additional information.
· This USUALLY takes about 7 weeks but it can take as long as the PGN attorney needs. If the PGN attorney requests additional or corrected information from you, it will delay your case. We are following up on each case will let you know the moment we hear anything from the PGN about your case- good or bad.

BIRTH MOTHER SIGNING
· The birth mother will come in to sign off on the final paperwork.
· This takes about 1 week.

BIRTH CERTIFICATE
· Once the case is released from PGN, the Civil Registry where the child was born will issue a new birth certificate. The name will remain the same with your last name added to the end. This is the name you will use for the flight reservation for the child.
· This takes about 1-2 weeks depending on where the original birth certificate is from. Right now it is taking at least three weeks to get a new birth certificate for babies born in Guatemala City.

PASSPORT
· A Guatemalan passport will be issued with the new last name of the child.
· This takes about 2-3-4 days. Up until about a month ago it took almost 6 weeks!

FINAL EMBASSY REVIEW
· The entire case is presented to the US Embassy once again for another review of the case. · The Embassy will confirm that all of the documents are in order.
· The Embassy will issue a "PINK SLIP" that will authorize the Final Medical exam.
48 hours not counting holidays, Fridays or lazy days
The Embassy now gives an appointment to the adopting family once the Pink Slip is issued. The appt is usually about one week after the Pink Slip is issued. You will not want to make travel arrangement until the Pink Slip is issued and we know the date of the appointment.ALSO....the Embassy now issues the Travel Visa the NEXT day after the appointment listed on the Pink Slip. So if your appointment is on Tuesday, you need to go back on Wednesday afternoon and then you can leave on Thursday. If your appointment is on a Friday then you will have to wait to go back on Monday to get the Travel Visa. We will help you with coordinating your travel plans etc.

FINAL MEDICAL EXAM
· The child will go to the INS doctor to get a final review of the medical records and to be sure that all of the vaccinations are current. This is needed for the child to get the Visa to travel to the U.S.
2-3 days

TIME TO TRAVEL!!!
· Pack your bags and go to Guatemala!!!!!
this takes about 15 minutes!!!!

A year ago today

2006-10-16T05:47:00.000-05:00

I had gone out to dinner with Doug. No idea what we ate. I'm sure we were talking about referrals, because I had passed on two boys (knowing for sure and always saying I wanted to adopt a girl, after my summer experience with a boy). I checked my e-mail right after Doug went home. This is what I saw:

Date: Sun, 16 Oct 2005 19:40:37 EDT
Subject: News!

Remember the little almost 4 year old girl named Isabell...her name is actually Ingrid. Well she is suddenly available. The family that was suppose to adopt her ran into a delay so they have to step out of the referral. I thought of you right away!!!!!She will be 4 on October 29 and is super sweet and cute and happy and well adjusted. We have her medical and birth certificate etc and all is in order. This atty will wait for you to get your INS clearance as long as we committ ($$) to her. Not all attys will let us match a toddler if you do not have INS clearance.I have some pics that I can send you from the office if you are interested!

Obviously I sent back that I was interested and to get the other information to me ASAP. I got a fax of her medical report (the only one I've ever gotten) and about 35 pictures taken during the director's previous visit (now I get 12 pictures).

After I got the e-mail and responded, I called Vicki, Resa, and Dawn. Of course no one answered the phone, so I left a message on each machine. And then I sent this e-mail (notice the date and time):
<<<10/16/2005>>>
Hi, Resa, Vicki, and Dawn. I tried to call you when I got this news (except for Dawn because it was too late). This is the link to see little Ingrid. When you open the page, scroll down a little bit until you see "Isabella." That's not her name - her name is Ingrid. And she's AVAILABLE and waiting for ME...

It's been 52 weeks. Tonight will be a complete year. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.